Archive for the ‘2-of-us’ Category

May 1, 2006

twisted 2

To defecate. To shit. To poop. To take a dump. To take a crap. They all mean the same thing. That is, to get that brown nasty turd out of your body through that narrow orifice at your ass. But for Emily and I, we give this sacred act a unique name – “to output”.

You see, I’m a healthy person. I “output” every morning when I wake up. Except for yesterday. Yesterday, I suddenly became so lazy and stagnant, that I didn’t feel like taking a crap at all. So, I just decided to crap later on in the afternoon (yeah, I can choose to postpone my crapping schedule, let’s just say… I have total control of my own ass)

But Emily felt that it was not a right thing. It bothered her… not because she’s concerned that the crap might ferment itself multi-folds in my rectal cavity and fuck me up pretty bad, but because she thinks that if I don’t crap, the energy flow of my body would not conform to the Chi at the southeast corner of the house.

morning –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output?”
“No dear, I don’t feel like wanting to do that”

a while later –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output?”
“Ermmm, no dear, I have nothing to output”

a little more while later –
“Dear, have you output-ed today?”
“Nope. I have nothing to output, ok?”

some while later –
“Dear, aren’t you going to output already?”
“ARggghhhhh! Haven’t I told you already?? I don’t want to output! Why are you pestering me to take a dump?? Why?? why?? ”

But she just gave me that nonchalant stare… as if she’s waiting for me to finish whatever I had to say, and would later schedule for the same repetitive badgering. It was a psychological torment.

About 5 minutes after the emotional protest, I finally gave in. I went to take my dump… (had to force the damn thing out)

Knocked up ladies… they can be horrifyingly twisted at times. (I just hope she won’t ask me to hoover a live cockroach next… just to keep her hormone driven mind appeased…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 18 Comments
April 22, 2006

homer

I had to help Emily clip her toe nails today. This whole knocked up thing sort of made her experienced how it felt like to be Homer Simpson… where your belly’s so big, you can’t even see your own crotch…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 12 Comments
April 18, 2006

twisted

I was busy surfing the net at home, about a good 20 feet away from Emily, who was working on something with her notebook at the coffee table.

Emily : “Dear…”

Me : “hmm?”

Emily : “Would you please bring me that mousepad?”

How I wished that I could answer her “No”. But everyone on this planet knows, I can’t. Why? 3 reasons.

1) She’s my wife.
2) I love her.
3) She’s pregnant.

That’s a triple kill for whatever faux inconveniences/excuses I can come up with. Even if I’m suffering a temporary paralysis, I’ll have to think of a way to bring that mousepad to her. (Just in case you don’t know – 20 feet is equivalent to 20 million miles to any bloke in a couch-potato mood at home)

Me : [walks over with the mousepad] “Why don’t you just keep this mousepad under the coffee table? That way, I don’t have to painstakingly bring you the mousepad every time you need it.”

Emily : [giggles] “I just love asking you to bring me that mousepad. Let’s keep it that way”

I have a strange feeling that it wasn’t all about the mousepad. It’s about the twisted ways of a particular odd behavior. I’ve got 2 months to go before the madness ends…

So, people, if you’re not ready to scale the distance to the moon by foot, don’t get married.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 32 Comments
April 9, 2006

fuck

One of Emily’s friend is pregnant too. But unlike us, Emily’s friend conceived her baby through some fertility consultant – where she was required to pay a considerable amount of money to get pregnant. My mom asked about that friend’s well being while we’re having lunch today

My Mom : “So Emily, your friend conceived her baby through artificial procedure?”

Emily : “Sort of. It’s not really clear whether it was due to the medication or her own effort. Coz she has been doing it everyday during that period…”

My Mom : “Do what?”

My mom was offtrack from the frequency for a while…

Emily : “Err…you know… do it? Do? Like everyday?”

My Mom : “Do what? I don’t get it…”

That was when I chip in to save the day

Me : “Fuck. Fuck… mom. She fucks everyday”

My Mom : “Oooooohhhh ok ok ok”

I then turned to Emily

Me : “See dear? Sometimes you’ve gotta go straight to the point. Just say it… FUCK.”

My Mom : “Come on… not everyone’s vulgar like you”

But hey, look who’s more understandable here…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 15 Comments
March 22, 2006

flashed and bashed

“Dear, I had a dream about us again last night…”

“So what was it all about this time?”

“I dreamt that somebody tried to seduce you. ”

Now, if that isn’t gonna be exciting… I thought.
She went into the details, I acted cool.

“It was one of my distant friend from my hometown, not bad looking… we’re going [somewhere]”

[somewhere] – I actually forgot the place she mentioned, I wasn’t really paying attention to that trivial part…

“Then what happened?”

“My friend then lifted up her blouse and flashed you her tits…”

“OMG, really?? This is way too coooll!”

“Yeah, she did that to you… right before my own eyes!”

I wanted to ask if the titties were big, but I digressed…

“And then?? And then??”

“And then I berated you.”

“What the fuck?? She flashed me her titties and you berated me?? You should have done that to her instead!”

“It just happened, how do I know?”

Mannnn, this is so ‘potong stim’! Why is it always us men to get the blame whenever something bad happens? Somebody tell me if this is fair!

Girls, please don’t flash us your tits… as it will get us into trouble. Now you don’t want to get us into trouble do you? I beg you please, don’t flash us your tits.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 13 Comments