Archive for the ‘2-of-us’ Category

February 21, 2008

isn’t it dramatic?

Emily was hearing her housewife colleagues meting out each other’s glorious moments in their respective domestic quarrels in an automobile, when it came to her turn to tell her story. When my wife told them that she and I would usually go quiet after each quarrel inside the car, it garnered quite a reaction from the bunch.

I don’t exactly have the details, but I can imagine it go like this, “What? You’d just keep quiet?? No… girl, that will be too easy for your husband”.

I am not sure if this was for the good or bad, but it seems that they have their own idea of how to react each time they have a quarrel with their husband. From what I understand through Emily’s description, the reaction must possess following characteristics:

1) it must be something out of ordinary.
2) it must have the ‘shock and awe’ element.
3) it must be done with style and glamor.
4) it must not be easy on your husband.

I then asked, “So what is it?”. I was thinking of something like jumping out of the car window and roll on the tarmac like a Hindustan stuntman (or in this case, stuntwoman), which kinda fulfilled the 4 big important criteria above, but it wasn’t.

Emily replied – “2 of them did this before – they actually asked their husband to stop the car, got out of the vehicle in a dramatic fashion and attempted to walk home.”

o_O”

My reaction – “That was fucking dumb.”

But surprisingly, their plan actually worked. It so happened that their husbands did go after them and wheedled them back into the vehicle, bloating them with pride and self confidence. And that was why, I reckon, the ladies failed to spot anything wrong with their acts.

“If it were to be me, dear, you can best bet your ass that I won’t come back after you. You can walk home sweltering under that hot sun, for all I care. I’m gonna go ahead and drive myself the fuck home.”

“You’re a heartless fucker. How could you do that??”

“If you look at it this way, I’m just fulfilling your wish of not wanting to be with me. Who knows, maybe you needed that moment alone to walk long distance home and cool off. If you don’t want to walk home, then don’t ask for it.”

“Maybe I should ask you to get out of the vehicle instead, and I DRIVE HOME.”

“Fine for me. I just need to make a couple of phone calls and I’d be spending the rest of the day happy-houring with my buddies at our regular pub in no time.”

“…”

Maybe we guys take things easier than the ladies. I don’t see the logic of doing things like that to your spouse. I for one, would definitely never do that. Threatening to walk home to force the situation in favor of you isn’t right. That is just spastic.

Going quiet is the best you can do if you have a quarrel inside a car. Mitigate the damage. Avert yourself from further confrontation lest you’d say something you might regret. Walking home alone on a highway can be very dangerous. You risks yourself of getting kidnapped by sex fiends, gang raped by rabid dogs or worse, run over by a garbage truck. It’s just not worth it. (well, unless you enjoy it…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 12 Comments
November 27, 2007

steven’s fault

My friend Steven forwarded us some YouTube video links about a Hong Kong paranormal investigation tv show covering for an infamous child murder case in Penang. In the show, during the ritual, one of the tv crews somehow got possessed by the child murder victim and we got to see some Linda Blair scene there, which is kinda neat in my opinion.

But for Emily, it was a bit too much for her. Right before she went to bed last night, she summoned me over for some serious talk.

Emily : “Dear, I’m scared. I can’t seem to erase the look of that girl’s face off my mind…”

Me : “Awww there’s nothing to be scared of. You have me and Regine accompanying you here.”

I was trying to assuage her silly fears as usual.

Emily : “No really. I’m very piss scared right now. This is all Steven’s fault! Please dear, yell at him for me if you ever see him… tell him not to forward stuff like this to me ever again.”

Me : “Come on, dear. You know I won’t do that. He just forwarded you the link. You chose to watch it yourself. It wasn’t his fault…

Emily : “…”

Me : “Just relax and sleep, ok?”

Emily : “Alright. But for tonight, I’m going to wake you up when I prepare milk for our baby. You need to watch me, I can’t do it alone. I’m scared.”

Me : “W-What? Are you serious? Man, this Steven… it’s his fault!”

Emily : “And it’s better if you don’t go out with the guys tomorrow. I’m too scared to be alone”

Me : “No shit this is all Steven’s fault! Now I’m pretty damn sure he’s gonna get some scolding from me for all this! Sheesh!”

Girls. They’re timid, and yet, still want to watch the horror shit. And when they can’t handle the aftermath, it is usually us guys that get the troubles. Things I don’t understand.

Now I’m just crossing my fingers that her fears will subside by tonight. Else, my super license is fucked.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 28 Comments
November 14, 2007

misunderstood III

If you need more proof that human males are the most misunderstood species on Earth (after sharks), read on…

Emily : “I had a bad dream last night.”

Me : “Oh, so what is it this time?”

Emily : “I dreamt about you making out with MyFuglyBestFriend.”

MyFuglyBestFriend is Emily’s best friend. She basically looks like an amphibian that has just been run over by a truck. I wouldn’t even recommend a dog to make out with her.

Me : “Oh my god! Are you serious??”

Emily : “Gosh it was so terrible. Both of you were kissing and rubbing each other’s nose in front of me… like I was transparent…”

Me : “Uggggghhh! You know I wouldn’t do that. Especially not to her. She’s so fugly for fuck’s sake!”

Emily : “You were like a beast, pervert. So disgusting. Ewwwh!”

The eloquence was emphasized on that particular word ‘beast’. Now that word, made me felt dirty and uneasy…

Me : “Wait a minute… You said we were making out. That means, both of us consented that. If that’s the case, then why was I ‘THE BEAST’, and not her? For all you know, she could be the one forcing herself on me… and I’m just being static…”

Like how people resort to fake possum as a corpse to not aggravate a rampaging bear, you know?

Emily : “That’s because you’re you, that’s why you’re THE BEAST”.

Me : “You’re so biased you know…”

Emily : “Like I care…”

So guys, if you ever get the chance to make out with your wife’s best friend (who is hot enough for you, of course) – by all fucking means, exploit the advantage. You’re bound to get the blame anyway… whether you’re guilty or not.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 7 Comments
July 3, 2007

3rd of July

At the dining table last night,

Me : “Tomorrow is our love anniversary, dear.”

Emily : “I know.”

Me : “Unbelievable isn’t it? Time passes by so fast. You were still a teenage kid when I first met you…”

Emily : “So were you.”

Me : “And you’re an old aunty now…”

Emily : [stares at me blankly] “And you too, an old uncle now…”

Am I…

It was on 3rd of July 1996, that this old aunty accepted my call of the wild and domesticated my life till this day…

Old aunty, if you’re reading this, just want to let you know… that if I were to be given the chance to visit the past and change the history, I would definitely still choose to be with you (I’d probably choose to lie about my past relationship with my ex but, everything else will pretty much be the same)…

Happy anniversary, dear. Looking forward to see even more of you in the coming years. Turning old and changing shapes. Oh boy it’s gonna be so exciting to see you wrinkle.

[Coincidentally, 3rd July also happens to be this blog’s anniversary as well. I’ve been blogging for 4 frigging years. Goddamn.]

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 22 Comments
March 26, 2007

the spot is yours

On our way home from work, inside the car, last Friday…

Emily : “Giving birth to a baby is such a difficult thing, man. I really got to salute all the mommies in this world…”

Me : “Hmmm…” [*groan]

Emily : “It is something that you guys will never ever understand. The pain… oh my god…”

I suddenly felt like becoming a smartass…

Me : “I actually can understand that. It’s like… having this really big piece of shit straining its way out of your sphincter… it’s badass, I know…” [I was actually thinking about a somewhat similar answer I gave to my colleague a few years ago…]

Emily : “What?? No!! It’s like… pain all over your body except the hair… you get what I mean??”

Me : “Alright, yeah… whatever…”

I was thinking of answering her this – “That’s why God gave you ladies the ability to have multiple orgasms. THAT… comes at a price bebeh…”, but then, I decided to just give it to the ladies.

Of course we guys will never understand how painful it is to give birth to a baby – just like how we humans will never understand why a dog needs to lick another bitch’s ass before he decides to mount and hump. It’s impossible because we’re biologically different from each other, see? And of course, that makes you girls the greatest. Like, who else is qualified enough to claim that number one spot? You’re the champ, girls. We guys are just the recessive species for your dominant existence and we play no roles at all in human evolution. Just a mere keh-leh-feh

Happy now? So will you girls drop the topic already? Thank you.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 16 Comments