My friend Steven forwarded us some YouTube video links about a Hong Kong paranormal investigation tv show covering for an infamous child murder case in Penang. In the show, during the ritual, one of the tv crews somehow got possessed by the child murder victim and we got to see some Linda Blair scene there, which is kinda neat in my opinion.

But for Emily, it was a bit too much for her. Right before she went to bed last night, she summoned me over for some serious talk.

Emily : “Dear, I’m scared. I can’t seem to erase the look of that girl’s face off my mind…”

Me : “Awww there’s nothing to be scared of. You have me and Regine accompanying you here.”

I was trying to assuage her silly fears as usual.

Emily : “No really. I’m very piss scared right now. This is all Steven’s fault! Please dear, yell at him for me if you ever see him… tell him not to forward stuff like this to me ever again.”

Me : “Come on, dear. You know I won’t do that. He just forwarded you the link. You chose to watch it yourself. It wasn’t his fault…

Emily : “…”

Me : “Just relax and sleep, ok?”

Emily : “Alright. But for tonight, I’m going to wake you up when I prepare milk for our baby. You need to watch me, I can’t do it alone. I’m scared.”

Me : “W-What? Are you serious? Man, this Steven… it’s his fault!”

Emily : “And it’s better if you don’t go out with the guys tomorrow. I’m too scared to be alone”

Me : “No shit this is all Steven’s fault! Now I’m pretty damn sure he’s gonna get some scolding from me for all this! Sheesh!”

Girls. They’re timid, and yet, still want to watch the horror shit. And when they can’t handle the aftermath, it is usually us guys that get the troubles. Things I don’t understand.

Now I’m just crossing my fingers that her fears will subside by tonight. Else, my super license is fucked.

If you need more proof that human males are the most misunderstood species on Earth (after sharks), read on…

Emily : “I had a bad dream last night.”

Me : “Oh, so what is it this time?”

Emily : “I dreamt about you making out with MyFuglyBestFriend.”

MyFuglyBestFriend is Emily’s best friend. She basically looks like an amphibian that has just been run over by a truck. I wouldn’t even recommend a dog to make out with her.

Me : “Oh my god! Are you serious??”

Emily : “Gosh it was so terrible. Both of you were kissing and rubbing each other’s nose in front of me… like I was transparent…”

Me : “Uggggghhh! You know I wouldn’t do that. Especially not to her. She’s so fugly for fuck’s sake!”

Emily : “You were like a beast, pervert. So disgusting. Ewwwh!”

The eloquence was emphasized on that particular word ‘beast’. Now that word, made me felt dirty and uneasy…

Me : “Wait a minute… You said we were making out. That means, both of us consented that. If that’s the case, then why was I ‘THE BEAST’, and not her? For all you know, she could be the one forcing herself on me… and I’m just being static…”

Like how people resort to fake possum as a corpse to not aggravate a rampaging bear, you know?

Emily : “That’s because you’re you, that’s why you’re THE BEAST”.

Me : “You’re so biased you know…”

Emily : “Like I care…”

So guys, if you ever get the chance to make out with your wife’s best friend (who is hot enough for you, of course) – by all fucking means, exploit the advantage. You’re bound to get the blame anyway… whether you’re guilty or not.

At the dining table last night,

Me : “Tomorrow is our love anniversary, dear.”

Emily : “I know.”

Me : “Unbelievable isn’t it? Time passes by so fast. You were still a teenage kid when I first met you…”

Emily : “So were you.”

Me : “And you’re an old aunty now…”

Emily : [stares at me blankly] “And you too, an old uncle now…”

Am I…

It was on 3rd of July 1996, that this old aunty accepted my call of the wild and domesticated my life till this day…

Old aunty, if you’re reading this, just want to let you know… that if I were to be given the chance to visit the past and change the history, I would definitely still choose to be with you (I’d probably choose to lie about my past relationship with my ex but, everything else will pretty much be the same)…

Happy anniversary, dear. Looking forward to see even more of you in the coming years. Turning old and changing shapes. Oh boy it’s gonna be so exciting to see you wrinkle.

[Coincidentally, 3rd July also happens to be this blog's anniversary as well. I've been blogging for 4 frigging years. Goddamn.]

On our way home from work, inside the car, last Friday…

Emily : “Giving birth to a baby is such a difficult thing, man. I really got to salute all the mommies in this world…”

Me : “Hmmm…” [*groan]

Emily : “It is something that you guys will never ever understand. The pain… oh my god…”

I suddenly felt like becoming a smartass…

Me : “I actually can understand that. It’s like… having this really big piece of shit straining its way out of your sphincter… it’s badass, I know…” [I was actually thinking about a somewhat similar answer I gave to my colleague a few years ago...]

Emily : “What?? No!! It’s like… pain all over your body except the hair… you get what I mean??”

Me : “Alright, yeah… whatever…”

I was thinking of answering her this – “That’s why God gave you ladies the ability to have multiple orgasms. THAT… comes at a price bebeh…”, but then, I decided to just give it to the ladies.

Of course we guys will never understand how painful it is to give birth to a baby – just like how we humans will never understand why a dog needs to lick another bitch’s ass before he decides to mount and hump. It’s impossible because we’re biologically different from each other, see? And of course, that makes you girls the greatest. Like, who else is qualified enough to claim that number one spot? You’re the champ, girls. We guys are just the recessive species for your dominant existence and we play no roles at all in human evolution. Just a mere keh-leh-feh…

Happy now? So will you girls drop the topic already? Thank you.

I got onto the bed, late, and accidentally woke Emily from her sleep.

Emily : “Dear, I had a terrible dream about you just now…”

Me : “Yeah? What about it?”

Emily : “I dreamt that you lied to me. You told me that you’re going to work very late at the office, but instead, you went out with the guys to drink and frolicked with stray girls…”

Me : “… … …” [sounds like fun...]

Emily : “It was a terrible dream…”

Me : “Just… why wouldn’t you dream of me, telling you – that I’m going out to drink with the guys and frolic with the girls… but instead, I would go to the office and work my ass off?”

Emily : “… … …”

She didn’t answer me. She didn’t have to. I already knew the answer the moment I finished asking that question. The fact is, we guys are the most misunderstood species on Earth. We’re often associated with evilness and wrongdoings… but never the good stuff. (unless you’re a wimp and you don’t have hairs on your legs)

There’s nothing we can do about it but to wash it away with a glass of beer or two (… or three… four…). *sigh*