Archive for the ‘2-of-us’ Category

February 25, 2010

full of love

My wife Emily gave me a belated Valentine’s Day gift on Tuesday. A bit late but, it matters not to me. I am full of love now.

I tell you, it was so one of a kind and special, that it was airborne. It was a love virus. I bet not many of you have experienced this. It started with a period of constant coughing by Emily. I thought she was sick or something, little did I know that she was playing a love ritual that no human had ever done before. Her cough kind of sent a copious amount of love virus into the air, and subsequently latched themselves into my lungs like little microscopic Cupids. And once I was infected with the love virus, I started to cough like her – and that made both of us do the same act in sync, how romantic!

Now, everytime I hawk up a wad of greenish phlegm into the wash basin, I’d feel the butterflies in my stomach when I think of the little cupids in my bodily fluid that were once part of my wife Emily… and how fortunate I am to have her sharing everything with me…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 8 Comments
October 7, 2009

blank talk

Dinner with my wife Emily. I was having some Ipoh salt-marinated chicken and got reminded of the movie ‘Mongol’ when I ripped out a wishbone. In the movie, the hero (Temujin, also known as Genghis Khan when he became a conqueror) gave a wishbone (of an exotic bird) to his girlfriend as a gift. It was a somewhat romantic thing to do, so naturally, I offered it to Emily…

Me: “Dear, this is called a wishbone. I saw in a movie the other day, that it brings good fortune. You can wear it like a locket if you want…” [waving the chicken wishbone at her]

Emily: “So where is this on the chicken?”

Me: “I’m not too sure, I think it should be around the collar. That’s where I ripped this thing off the chicken. But I don’t think humans have wishbones though. We have collarbones in place of a wishbone…”

Emily: “Speaking of collarbones, I’ve heard from around that men find women with protruding collarbones attractive. Like this…” [shows me her collarbones]

Me: “I think that’s a total bullshit. There are only 2 things that men will find attractive in a woman – tits and ass.”

Emily: [rolls eyes]

Me: “No wait, legs also. A woman with killer legs goes a long way. And yeah, shaved armpits of course.”

(There are actually many things of course, but protruding collarbones are definitely not the popular ones.)

Emily: “Women in China believe that armpit hair brings fortune…”

Me: “That’s bullshit too. If armpit hair could bring fortune, then monkeys in China would have been filthy rich there…”

It was an enjoyable dinner with my beloved wife.

This post is dedicated to those girls who like to camwhore in front of their stupid webcam and act like they’re cute Pukimon character. Also, a personal message to them – “fuck you and your repulsive pictures”.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
June 1, 2009

the moment

Emily and I were at the playground with our 3 year old daughter the other day, and we saw a dog pooped a pile of nasty turd on the grass nearby (it was more like a diarrhea). Not long after that, a housewife came along with her maid and they were walking towards where the turd was.

Now, I’m sure most people would have warned the lady about the dog poo. But neither one of us did that. Instead, I watched the lady walking towards it and was secretly hoping that either her or her maid would step into that pile of mayhem. What more, I also caught Emily looking on the same way, also wearing the same smirk that I was wearing. We then turned to look at each other in a moment of silence, smiling. We were having the ‘moment’ there… you know, the ‘moment’… when 2 lovers unintentionally find that all the planes in the universe align perfectly on top of each other, the cosmic magnetic force is parallel with our ‘chi’ and our ‘chakra’ is having an erection. If this were to be in a movie, it would be the moment when the hero deep throats the heroine’s tongue. But our ‘moment’ there, was the vision of that housewife stepping on that pile of dog poo = funny.

I then broke the silence – “I was actually hoping that she’s gonna step into that pile of poop. It’s going to be so funny.” Emily then smiled back ever so lovingly at me, and tacitly told me with her expression, that she was hoping for the same thing too. And am I just glad. That’s why I chose her to be my wife. Had she chosen to tell the shapeshifter about the poo, it would have meant that we have a glitch in our compatibility – which can be dangerous in a relationship depending on how one looks at it.

Anyway, we both then looked on, and the lady missed the patch of shit by just a foot or so, much to our disappointment.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 5 Comments
May 6, 2008

‘the moment’

Regine did something dumb today and I was sharing the story with Emily,

Me: “When you were taking your bath just now, Regine took a dinosaur and bit a part of its peel off…”

Emily: [gives me this weird look]

Me: “Her expression instantly changed, into something like this [shows idiotic face]… ha ha ha, it was so funny. You know how bitter these dinosaur peels can be, right? That was just so silly of her.. ahaa haa hakss”

Emily: [gives me this even weirder look, that was when I realize why]

Me: “Oh my god, did I just say ‘dinosaur’ peel??”

Emily: [nods…]

Me: “Shittt! What is wrong with me?? I actually wanted to say ‘orange peel’ goddamn it!”

I had ‘the moment’ there. You know ‘the moment’? ‘The moment’ is the moment you discover that you have been unconsciously acting like a retard, and to realize that there is nothing you can do to redeem that lost self esteem. (but I was nevertheless… felt thankful, that this didn’t actually happen on our first date or something like that…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 11 Comments
February 21, 2008

isn’t it dramatic?

Emily was hearing her housewife colleagues meting out each other’s glorious moments in their respective domestic quarrels in an automobile, when it came to her turn to tell her story. When my wife told them that she and I would usually go quiet after each quarrel inside the car, it garnered quite a reaction from the bunch.

I don’t exactly have the details, but I can imagine it go like this, “What? You’d just keep quiet?? No… girl, that will be too easy for your husband”.

I am not sure if this was for the good or bad, but it seems that they have their own idea of how to react each time they have a quarrel with their husband. From what I understand through Emily’s description, the reaction must possess following characteristics:

1) it must be something out of ordinary.
2) it must have the ‘shock and awe’ element.
3) it must be done with style and glamor.
4) it must not be easy on your husband.

I then asked, “So what is it?”. I was thinking of something like jumping out of the car window and roll on the tarmac like a Hindustan stuntman (or in this case, stuntwoman), which kinda fulfilled the 4 big important criteria above, but it wasn’t.

Emily replied – “2 of them did this before – they actually asked their husband to stop the car, got out of the vehicle in a dramatic fashion and attempted to walk home.”

o_O”

My reaction – “That was fucking dumb.”

But surprisingly, their plan actually worked. It so happened that their husbands did go after them and wheedled them back into the vehicle, bloating them with pride and self confidence. And that was why, I reckon, the ladies failed to spot anything wrong with their acts.

“If it were to be me, dear, you can best bet your ass that I won’t come back after you. You can walk home sweltering under that hot sun, for all I care. I’m gonna go ahead and drive myself the fuck home.”

“You’re a heartless fucker. How could you do that??”

“If you look at it this way, I’m just fulfilling your wish of not wanting to be with me. Who knows, maybe you needed that moment alone to walk long distance home and cool off. If you don’t want to walk home, then don’t ask for it.”

“Maybe I should ask you to get out of the vehicle instead, and I DRIVE HOME.”

“Fine for me. I just need to make a couple of phone calls and I’d be spending the rest of the day happy-houring with my buddies at our regular pub in no time.”

“…”

Maybe we guys take things easier than the ladies. I don’t see the logic of doing things like that to your spouse. I for one, would definitely never do that. Threatening to walk home to force the situation in favor of you isn’t right. That is just spastic.

Going quiet is the best you can do if you have a quarrel inside a car. Mitigate the damage. Avert yourself from further confrontation lest you’d say something you might regret. Walking home alone on a highway can be very dangerous. You risks yourself of getting kidnapped by sex fiends, gang raped by rabid dogs or worse, run over by a garbage truck. It’s just not worth it. (well, unless you enjoy it…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 12 Comments