Archive for the ‘2-of-us’ Category

November 14, 2017

panic mode

I was driving cross state to a wedding dinner with a colleague, when my phone rang in the car. I have one of those bluetooth rig ups which I can speak through my car’s audio system totally handsfree. I answered the call, it was from my wife Emily.

Emily: [panic] “Oh shit dear! I forgot to bring out my key! What should I do? Shit shit shit”

She was out before I left the house, and she forgot her house keys. I was just beginning a 1.5 hours journey, it could be at least another 3 hours before I could get home. That was why she was in panic mode. When she’s in panic mode, the physics of this world will make no sense to her.

Me: “Relax dear. I’m on the speakerphone with my colleague. I guess there’s nothing I can do for you now, as I’m already on the highway. I can’t turn back. Can you just hang out at one of your friends’ till I get home?”

Emily: [panic] “Oh shit oh shit can I just break the locks with a hammer or something??”

Me: “Calm down. I’m on the speakerphone with my colleague. Don’t break the lock please. Just go to your friend’s house, ok?”

Emily: [panic] “Maybe I can fashion a long stick to hook out my bag or maybe… maybe…” [+ some Wile E. Coyote ideas]

Me: “No that won’t work. Just calm down. I’ll be back by 11pm, I’ll try to bail the dinner earlier, ok?”

Emily: [panic] “Ok ok” [hung up]

I turned to look at my colleague. He had a look of silent understanding while looking down at the car mat… most likely thinking “here’s a moment of silence for another of our fallen comrade…”. We never talked about what happened throughout the night.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us, dialogs  | Comments Off
February 25, 2010

full of love

My wife Emily gave me a belated Valentine’s Day gift on Tuesday. A bit late but, it matters not to me. I am full of love now.

I tell you, it was so one of a kind and special, that it was airborne. It was a love virus. I bet not many of you have experienced this. It started with a period of constant coughing by Emily. I thought she was sick or something, little did I know that she was playing a love ritual that no human had ever done before. Her cough kind of sent a copious amount of love virus into the air, and subsequently latched themselves into my lungs like little microscopic Cupids. And once I was infected with the love virus, I started to cough like her – and that made both of us do the same act in sync, how romantic!

Now, everytime I hawk up a wad of greenish phlegm into the wash basin, I’d feel the butterflies in my stomach when I think of the little cupids in my bodily fluid that were once part of my wife Emily… and how fortunate I am to have her sharing everything with me…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 8 Comments
October 7, 2009

blank talk

Dinner with my wife Emily. I was having some Ipoh salt-marinated chicken and got reminded of the movie ‘Mongol’ when I ripped out a wishbone. In the movie, the hero (Temujin, also known as Genghis Khan when he became a conqueror) gave a wishbone (of an exotic bird) to his girlfriend as a gift. It was a somewhat romantic thing to do, so naturally, I offered it to Emily…

Me: “Dear, this is called a wishbone. I saw in a movie the other day, that it brings good fortune. You can wear it like a locket if you want…” [waving the chicken wishbone at her]

Emily: “So where is this on the chicken?”

Me: “I’m not too sure, I think it should be around the collar. That’s where I ripped this thing off the chicken. But I don’t think humans have wishbones though. We have collarbones in place of a wishbone…”

Emily: “Speaking of collarbones, I’ve heard from around that men find women with protruding collarbones attractive. Like this…” [shows me her collarbones]

Me: “I think that’s a total bullshit. There are only 2 things that men will find attractive in a woman – tits and ass.”

Emily: [rolls eyes]

Me: “No wait, legs also. A woman with killer legs goes a long way. And yeah, shaved armpits of course.”

(There are actually many things of course, but protruding collarbones are definitely not the popular ones.)

Emily: “Women in China believe that armpit hair brings fortune…”

Me: “That’s bullshit too. If armpit hair could bring fortune, then monkeys in China would have been filthy rich there…”

It was an enjoyable dinner with my beloved wife.

This post is dedicated to those girls who like to camwhore in front of their stupid webcam and act like they’re cute Pukimon character. Also, a personal message to them – “fuck you and your repulsive pictures”.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
June 1, 2009

the moment

Emily and I were at the playground with our 3 year old daughter the other day, and we saw a dog pooped a pile of nasty turd on the grass nearby (it was more like a diarrhea). Not long after that, a housewife came along with her maid and they were walking towards where the turd was.

Now, I’m sure most people would have warned the lady about the dog poo. But neither one of us did that. Instead, I watched the lady walking towards it and was secretly hoping that either her or her maid would step into that pile of mayhem. What more, I also caught Emily looking on the same way, also wearing the same smirk that I was wearing. We then turned to look at each other in a moment of silence, smiling. We were having the ‘moment’ there… you know, the ‘moment’… when 2 lovers unintentionally find that all the planes in the universe align perfectly on top of each other, the cosmic magnetic force is parallel with our ‘chi’ and our ‘chakra’ is having an erection. If this were to be in a movie, it would be the moment when the hero deep throats the heroine’s tongue. But our ‘moment’ there, was the vision of that housewife stepping on that pile of dog poo = funny.

I then broke the silence – “I was actually hoping that she’s gonna step into that pile of poop. It’s going to be so funny.” Emily then smiled back ever so lovingly at me, and tacitly told me with her expression, that she was hoping for the same thing too. And am I just glad. That’s why I chose her to be my wife. Had she chosen to tell the shapeshifter about the poo, it would have meant that we have a glitch in our compatibility – which can be dangerous in a relationship depending on how one looks at it.

Anyway, we both then looked on, and the lady missed the patch of shit by just a foot or so, much to our disappointment.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 5 Comments
May 6, 2008

‘the moment’

Regine did something dumb today and I was sharing the story with Emily,

Me: “When you were taking your bath just now, Regine took a dinosaur and bit a part of its peel off…”

Emily: [gives me this weird look]

Me: “Her expression instantly changed, into something like this [shows idiotic face]… ha ha ha, it was so funny. You know how bitter these dinosaur peels can be, right? That was just so silly of her.. ahaa haa hakss”

Emily: [gives me this even weirder look, that was when I realize why]

Me: “Oh my god, did I just say ‘dinosaur’ peel??”

Emily: [nods…]

Me: “Shittt! What is wrong with me?? I actually wanted to say ‘orange peel’ goddamn it!”

I had ‘the moment’ there. You know ‘the moment’? ‘The moment’ is the moment you discover that you have been unconsciously acting like a retard, and to realize that there is nothing you can do to redeem that lost self esteem. (but I was nevertheless… felt thankful, that this didn’t actually happen on our first date or something like that…)

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 11 Comments