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November 23, 2006

‘off’ in the head

Emily was deluged with shitloads of chores at her office this morning when her cellphone went off. Agitated by the untimely call, she answered it with a ‘it-better-be-an-important-call’ tone… It was Sweety on the line, as anxious as ever. Emily could have asked her to call back at another convenient time, but because she’s pregnant (yes, she finally did it), Emily had to give her the privilege of attention, lest that she might kill herself or something (you know knocked up ladies are usually a bit ‘off’ in the head)

Sweety : [alarmed tone] “Emily! I have to ask you something!”

Emily : “What is it?”

Sweety : “I remember you told me about Jane having diarrhea when she was pregnant, right?”

Emily : “Yeah, what about it?”

Sweety : “Well, I’m having it now!”

Long silence…

Emily : “Errrr… so?”

Sweety : “I’m having a diarrhea now!”

Emily : “Errr… am I suppose to do something about it?”

Sweety : “No. I am just calling to tell you that I’m having a diarrhea… that’s all.”

[click]

Emily : o_O”

When imbecility and psychosis combine, the end result can be fucking scary.

This story was relived by Emily on our way home from work today.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
August 10, 2006

NOOOO GIRLLL

Emily’s phone rang before we left for work this morning. It was Sweety on the line. If you can remember Sweety, the unsophisticated wench who’s frantic about everything in her life, who’s also one of Emily’s dearest friends.

I wasn’t immediately made known why she called, but from what I gathered through Emily’s side of the conversation, I managed to make up that she hadn’t been menstruating for a while, which lent her the suspicion that she might be knocked up, and had been to the doctor to look at ‘the problem’ (or something like that).

Here’s the reconstruction of what I heard from that one sided conversation (though may not be verbatim, but is as accurate as the original) –

Emily : “So you’ve been to the doctor?”

Sweety [on the other side of the line] : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “What did he say?”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “So did he give you a pregnancy test?”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “WHAT?”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “You mean, the one that he straps around your arm, pumps it tight and then slips in with a stethoscope????”

Sweety : [inaudible speech]

Emily : “NOOOO GIRLLL!!! That thing is used to check your BLOOD PRESSURE, not to check if you’re pregnant!!!!”

Self explanatory, people. It doesn’t take a genius to decipher what actually happened here.

When Emily hung up, she and I looked at each other, and gave a tacit acknowledgment about her friend’s superior display of obtuseness.

I wonder what could have happened if the doctor were to strap that sphygmomanometer on her head and pump it up tight… She’d probably think that she’s going through a lobotomy… NO SHIT!

(Man, I’ve been laughing by myself many times since this morning whenever I think about this blunder… I think I might need to get a ‘pregnancy test’ myself soon…)

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
December 16, 2005

the bloody experience

Now, if you people can remember Sweety, Emily’s friend who was desperate for a life partner. Well, she finally found her life partner and got hitched last week in a high spirited happy wedding. Emily couldn’t have been happier for her friend… thinking that her painful spinsterish days are finally over and Sweety could focus on being somebody’s wife now (or rather, worry about something else? what the fuck bebeh)

But today, Emily got a surprise phone call from Sweety again. It was her trembling voice on the other line

“Emily, I want to ask you something..”
“Yeah sure, what’s up?”
“Ermm, during your first night… you know… doing it?”
“Ok… what about it?”
“Did you shed a lot of blood?”

Alright kiddies, in case you don’t get it, “first night” refers to the night you lose your virginity. When the hymen is torn during the first time of sexual intercourse, one could actually see some hint of blood (pretty much depends on how ‘aggressive’ your partner is…). It’s supposed to be normal. I remembered my first few times, when I was wiping my dick with toilet paper? it was always bloody… and my dick would stay sore for the whole night.

“Errmm…yeah. But not much. Why?”
“I don’t know…I saw a lot of blood. On our bedsheet, on my husband’s hands, it was everywhere! I’m scared.”

To cut the story short, it was like a scene in Uma Thurman’s bloodbath with the Squad 88 in Kill Bill. Her bedsheet embellished with dark maroon color of love… and that actually got Sweety panic enough to call up Emily to ask if she had just killed a dog or something.

But being a virgin at this age, it didn’t come as a surprise for me. (I can’t help but wonder how much fun she has been missing all those years… goddamn). 30 years of abstinence… all amalgamated into a single night of lust and indulgence. She should feel lucky that she didn’t actually die from excessive loss of blood.

Being a good friend, Emily of course tried to assure her that it’s normal. Perhaps it was just a round of sex that went wild beyond her control and ripped her twat severing a blood vessel or two. But sooner or later, her copulatory organs would grow accustomed to the intrusion and the color would soon fade away into transparent liquid… and she won’t have to worry about her bedsheet anymore.

After learning all that from Emily, I, in the meanwhile, couldn’t resist making a comment about Sweety

Me : “She only loses it at 30! That’s unbelievable! What has she been doing in her love life??”

Emily : “I’m not surprised, dear. Most of my college friends are still virgin…” [proceed to name a few names]

Me : “Yeah… all of them except you. You lost it while you’re still a teenager. *wink*”

Emily : “That’s because you’re such a goddamn pervert.”

I was thinking, I wouldn’t even want to perve her if she’s as eccentric as any of her weird friends. Isn’t she lucky?

Sweety in the meanwhile, will continue to have sex as often as she could… just to get over the break-in period of her engine block.

“Look Ma! no more blood!”

michaelooi  | characters  | 13 Comments
October 24, 2003

relationships

My wife Emily, she has a friend who has a big ass. But that’s not something relevant to what I’m about to write here… just a side observation.

Anyway, this friend of her’s? Let’s call her Sweety for convenience’s sake. She is in her late 20’s, tall, slim, long haired, quite decent looking and for some unknown reason, she’s still single. And gosh, she sure is desperate for a boyfriend. So desperate, that she’ll go to the extreme of asking around her friends… if they know any guy who is looking for a girlfriend – “hey, you girls know of any bloke who is single, caring, handsome, rich, loving and yet available? If yes… can introduce him to me?”

And of course, she would get responses like “no girl .. you read too much fairy tales” or “they don’t exist anymore”.

So, being her friend and kind hearted people, Emily and I did her a favor a few years back, we organized for a social gathering event in a karaoke joint with the BODs. (BOD = Board Of Directors, my closest of close buddies). As they were all pretty much single back then, I expected that there would sparks with at least one of them. But the outing turned out to be a total flop, as the event sort of unexpectedly became an alcohol drinking competition between us guys. One of the guys told me in his most drunken state, that Sweety was too domestic, which he unreservedly refer as “highschool student”… and hinted they wanted something wild with plenty excitement and sex. (like, who doesn’t??)

And there was a second attempt. I match made my colleague BigSnake with Sweety, and it didn’t work out as well. Now this colleague of mine, BigSnake, is the type of guy that would simply dig any garbage he sees. He would hook up with anything indiscriminately and so, I thought matchmaking both of them would be a good idea. But the relationship ended after a few dates, and poor Sweety was out searching again. That was when I started to suspect that there must be something about her that repels the guys off. But I wasn’t sure. Until recently.

After the failure with Bigsnake, Sweety met another guy whom she deliriously claimed to be ‘THE ONE’. He allegedly could charm her like a bitch emitting its pheromone that attracts dogs from all over the neighborhood. Only that he’s of the opposite sex and she’s having him all by herself. He purportedly was a gentleman, would accompany her 24/7, humorous and was one in a million.

So, she finally found herself a good guy. Or so it seemed. The relationship started out fine for only a few months, before she discovered that the was beginning to turn into someone she didn’t think he was. The guy started to have his own things to do, have his own buddies to hang out with, was spending less than a few hours with her in a week and probably even farted in front of her. That got Sweety really upset, to realize that her prince charming was in fact nothing more than an average Joe (or a frog). That was when she did something crazy – she began to bombard the guy with nasty SMS’s and eventually, got Joe really pissed off and he finally dumped her.

Sweety came to Emily wailing like a banshee about her misfortune. In between her tears, she iterated that she wanted to have babies before reaching 30 (and that kinda scared the shit out of me a bit) and time is really running out for her. Emily was in dilemma. She’s not a guy and she wasn’t in the best position to give Sweety the best advice. And then it would be awkward for Sweety to express such things in front of me – because this was such a delicate girl-thing.

So the best way that I could help, was to dispense some advice through my proxy, Emily, to her – on tips to understand a typical guy. And since I’m such a great guy by nature, I’m doing this en masse, by making them available in my blog for reference here. I figured, that this probably might be of help for some desperate single girls out there… who knows.
Disclaimer : The list of advices is based on my 26 years experience of being a GUY. If you’re the kind of person that is sensitive over gender related discussions/debates, I would strongly suggest you to stop here, and go somewhere else.

Here they are, the key things to win a man’s heart, in no particular order.

1) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.
2) Guys love to see his own girl pretty. So, judge what to wear best and groom yourself well.
3) Guys hate girls that gripe incessantly in a date. Nonsense like what you and your friends talked about on the phone. Try to converse naturally.
4) Try not to get over excited easily. Guys love to see their girls act like a matured woman, not a retarded teenager who snorts basically with any absurd joke she hears.
5) Bad breath is the most destructive element in a relationship. Do something about your breath (as we guys do).
6) Being quiet doesn’t make you a debonair person. Guys prefer an interesting conversation anytime over “sitting around staring at the stars and listening to the wind blows”.
7) If a guy happens to bring you to a restaurant, for heaven’s sake, PLEAASSEE… finish your fucking food. Or at least try to. Guys will not think that you’re a slim and fit bombshell when you don’t fucking eat… but would feel absofuckinglutely annoyed, if you waste his money by not eating.
8) Try not to act desperate. Guys love challenges. They will know how to work their way up towards winning your heart (that is, if you’re up to their expectation). You don’t feed the tigers, you let them hunt. Same thing. If they don’t hunt you, you’re probably not good enough. Just fuck off.
9) Don’t try to act like you’re very smart, even if you are. The key idea, is not to outsmart the guy even if he is dimwitted. If you like the guy, and you want the relationship to work, let him outsmart you. He’d feel the love. (I reckon this shouldn’t be hard if you’re in love with that dimwit)
10) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.

Alright, that should do it. Enough to leave a good impression for a second follow up date.

If you’re offended or pissed with what I’ve just written, I’m sorry… go fuck yourself or something.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off