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April 28, 2008

red glaring object

I had a nightmare last night. A real scary one.

Here is how it goes :
I am behind my boss in a queue, at the Company X security checkpoint. We are in the line to have our body scanned with a handheld metal detector by the security guard.

When it comes to my boss’ turn, he is made to empty his pocket and then goes up on an elevated platform. With his hands outstretched, the security guard scans him with a handheld metal detector. It is all good until the guard runs the handheld metal detector through my boss’ chest, which the thing starts to beep like crazy. Thinking that it must be some leftover coins in his pocket, the guard then asks my boss to empty his pocket thoroughly and then run it through one more time. BEEEEEEEP! (if you can remember, this is kinda similar to what my friend Keith had encountered before)

That is when the security guard suspects something amiss and orders my boss to strip. I immediately can see my boss’ face turn red, like he foresees something embarrassing is about to happen. I then go “Oh fucking great. Now my boss’ a klepto. This is going to fucking mar my reputation man.” You know, things like that happen in Company X, people of high stature stealing computer parts for their own gratification.

With a miserable look, my boss then remove his shirt… and out pops this glaringly red object from his bare chest – it’s a red colored lacy bra! My boss is a fucking closet crossdresser!! The rest of us in the line fall down like dominoes (or like the bunch of Orcs in Lord of The Rings when Sauron lost his finger/ring) after being stabbed in the eyes by that revolting sight… and then I wake up, panting on my own bed.

This has got to be the scariest shit I have ever dreamed of.

People say, the things you do during the day make up what you dream at night. But I couldn’t remember what I did on Sunday that could have made me dream of my boss being a closet crossdresser… damn!

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 7 Comments
January 25, 2006

random conversation

Remember my American friend Keith? Well, he’s in town.

*****

Keith : [sees a Kenari] “Is that a car?”

Me : “Hehehehh it’s a car alright. Small car”

Keith : “You call that a car?”

Me : “Hehehh, toy car for you”

You see, Keith is biggggg. Very BIG. That’s why the prejudice against smaller automobiles.

Keith : [turns to my friend Rod] “Is your car that small?”

He was supposed to hitch on Rod’s car for lunch, as I have another lunch appointment to attend

Rod : “No no… it’s a little bigger.”

Keith : “OK. Michael, if his car is that small, I’m gonna kick your ass for that”

Well, he didn’t get to. He fits into an Iswara nicely – after retracting and reclining the side passenger seat to the furthest extend.

*****

Me : “That data analyst from Japan is cute”

Keith : “Yeah, she’s a home-x” [I kinda forgot what he said, it was an American slang, so I put x instead]

Me : “Home-x? What’s that?”

Keith : “You know? Like she’s not really pretty but good looking enough for you to keep at home?”

Me : “Ahhh ok ok. Wife material”

Keith : “Hhyeah! Wife material”

Me : “Those that are only good for humping, reproducing and cleaning our mess up”

Keith : “Hhyeah!”

*****

Keith : “You know, we always have this habit of saying ‘wear-it!’ whenever we see a hot chick”

Me : “It’s a slang?”

Keith : “Yeah it’s a slang. Just the other day I was uttering ‘wear-it’, got some of them asking me what is it”

Me : “Why ‘wear-it’?”

Keith : “You know when you spray some baby-batters on them?”

Me : “I’m sorry, did you say baby-something?”

Keith : “Yeah, baby-batter”

Me : “Batter as in b-a-t-t-e-r?”

Keith : “Yeah baby-batter.”

Me : “Hahahh! Got it. So… you’re saying when we’re unloading our sperms all over them?”

Keith : “Yes, unloading all over them. Then they’ll have to walk to the bathroom to clean themselves up.”

Me : “But, why ‘wear-it’?”

Keith : “Coz they’re like wearing those sperms on them hehehheh”

And we laughed like jackasses in the office.

*****

Keith : “Mike, do you know why god created women?”

Me : “No, why?”

Keith : “Coz somebody has to carry the sperm to the toilet!”

Me : “Hahahhh that’s cruel”

Keith : “And do you know why god made them bleed?”

Me : “I don’t know. You tell me.”

Keith : “Coz they fucking deserve it!”

Me : “You’re fucking sick dude!”

*****

Keith : “Mannnn China is terrible. Once I got myself a cab, there were 5 girls jumping up with me on it… and they weren’t even hookers!”

Me : “Why did they do that?”

Keith : “They just wanted American boyfriends.”

Me : “Well, at least that’s better than 5 guys jumping on the cab with you, right?”

Keith : “Heheh yeah. If those were guys, I guess I’m gonna just punch them …”

*****

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 10 Comments
December 7, 2004

cultural clash

I had this conversation with Keith inside my car, on our way home from work…

Keith : “You don’t have titty bars here, do you?”

Me : “Titty bars are illegal here.”

Keith : “Serious?”

Me : “Yes. We don’t have strippers club nor any titty bars here. Hell, even tits and kisses are censored on tv…”

Keith : “Damn, what’s legal here then?”

Me : “Whatever… but our country’s peaceful. We don’t have tornadoes, blizzards nor any motherfucking scary stuff here”

Keith : “Not even typhoon?”

Me : “Nope. It is summer all year long, save for a couple months of really shitty rainy weather”

Keith : “And I heard it’s death sentence here for possessing drugs?”

Me : “Sort of.”

Keith : “Man… no titty bars, expensive alcohol, no trucks, no drugs, no porn, hell, I don’t want to live here…”

Me : “Nothing’s perfect, bitch”

Keith : “What about Harleys? I’ve never seen any here”

Me : “A Harley has to be imported I think. Probably costs more than a hundred grand. And that’s not even a chopper”

Keith : “I ain’t paying that amount of money for a Harley …”

Me : “Yeah, might as well get a car or something”

Keith : “You know, there was this American I met last night who told me that he went to a club somewhere, where he got to dance with a girl for 400 bucks”

Me : “400 hundred bucks just to dance with a girl??”

Keith : “Yeah, and he gets to feel all over her.”

Me : “I ain’t paying 400 bucks to feel some girls… I think that guy got ripped off”

Keith : “Yeah, for 400 bucks, I’m screwing the girl.”

Me : “For 400 bucks, you’re screwing TWO girls!”

Keith : “You know, just before I came here, my wife picked up a stripper… and I screwed her…”

Me : “So, how much does that cost?”

Keith : “My wife picked her up on the way home”

Me : “Yeah, but how much?”

Keith : “What do you mean how much? She picked her up, it’s free!”

Me : “For free?? Wow! Why would she want to do that?”

Keith : “She likes my wife. And I screwed her while she screws my wife… ”

Me : [dumbfucked]

I met his wife before – a blonde with blue eyes, with a slightly large frame … and seriously, with that madcap behavior, I think he’s for real.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 17 Comments
November 30, 2004

security checkpoint

I had a visitor from USA today. He’s a big white guy that weights 315 lbs, towering at about 6 ft 3, with some really badass beard. Yes, he’s Keith, if you can remember him (blogged about him a few months back during my trip to USA).

Alright, we were coming out from the workplace – where I had just finished showing him around the plant. As usual, we were required to go through a set of stringent procedure at the security checkpoint.

You know, like what they do in airports? Take out all your metal stuff, walk through the metal detector, if it beeps, those security guards are gonna manually scan you up with a handheld metal detector.

I got through and it was Keith’s turn. The metal detector went BEEEEP ! and he was asked to step up onto a slightly elevated wooden platform. A petite Malay security housewife went ahead to scan him up with a handheld metal detector.

BEEEP! His boots beeped.

“That’s a metal safety boot.” Keith explained.

Security housewife continued to scan. Again, the metal detector went BEEEP! and this time, it was right in front of his shirt pocket.

Keith tried to dig the pocket but there was nothing inside. He gestured to the housewife that there was nothing inside his pocket.

Security housewife scanned for another time. BEEEEP ! and looked at Keith with a very concerned face – that he should check his pocket properly or something like that.

“Dude, you sure you don’t have coins or something in there?” I asked Keith.

“No.. there’s nothing in my pocket!”

Security housewife put her scanner in front of Keith’s shirt pocket again and that annoying thing beeped indefinitely – and this time, she has this confident look on her that Keith must be hiding something.

Almost immediately, I started to realize what was about to transpire there.

“Oh god, I hope that isn’t what I think it is … ”

Keith gave me a wry grin and that “oh yeah?” look

“I think you may need to show her your tits…”

Keith chuckled and started to unbutton his shirt. The security housewife was dumbfucked when she saw Keith unbuttoning his shirt. Before she could even react to that, Keith had already undone 2 buttons and he whipped out his left tit.

It was his nipple ring. Keith then pinched his D cup man tit to bulge his nipple further for the security housewife to inspect. The rest of the people around the security checkpoint (including myself) were already laughing like jackasses high on drugs, in a crouching position to withstand the cramping stomach muscle.

The housewife security guard stumbled a few steps backwards hitting the corner of a wall and was wiping her tears – from laughing too hard herself as well. Keith then said it out loud to me “I got this done when I was pissed drunk one night… heh heh heh”.

When he got down from that platform, he quipped further

Keith : “Man, that thing was too sensitive for detecting a nipple ring.. don’t you think so ?”

Me : “Basically it would beep if there’s any metal object .. nipple ring or not.”

Keith : “Does that mean I get to show her my dick if her detector beeps on my dick ring?”

Me : “You pierced your dick too ??”

Keith : “I was just kidding about that… heheh”

And we laughed all the way out to lunch, leaving that bunch of security guards still dumbfounded on what they had witnessed.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 16 Comments
July 8, 2004

colors of the skin

*This incident happened during one of my lunches in the US last week…

Keith & I were walking out of a wooden shack cafe… when he said this to me in a rather uncomfortable manner,

Keith : “There was a guy at the back of the restaurant that has been staring at you all the while we were inside. He didn’t seem to be quite happy of you being there. ”

Me : “Well… fuck him.”

Keith, taken by surprise by my savage behavior, wasn’t really expecting the kind of response from me. And that kind of opened the window of conservativeness for both of us, who are from different cultures. We spoke a lot about racism after that.

Keith told me that even though most Americans are now matured enough to accept people of different skin colors, there are still some of them that are still in the dark about the matter. Those are usually old war veteran faggots or douche-bags, that still couldn’t get over the way they perceived the world. Some young ones too (hillbillies, rednecks, skinheads, or whatever you want call them)… and those who didn’t manage to get enough education to complete their thinking. That aside, the question is still, why those fragments of American fuckers hate us Asian so much? What makes them think that they’re more superior than our type?

Well, Keith told me it was because of the wars. The last few American wars were fought with people of our colors. The Japanese and the Vietnamese. To the Americans, we all looked the fucking same – of Asian distinct. You know… yellow skin, small eyes, big dick (eyeah… baby). Because of that, these people kind of developed a stereotypical thinking, that people with such skin colors are the enemies of their nation… and that’s why they hate us yellow skins, even years after the wars ended.

But things began to change when Bruce Lee suddenly came into the American silver screen… flashing his scarred pecs to kick Chuck Norris’ hairy ass. And they loved him so frigging much. Since then, they kinda started to learn our culture in the process – the Chinese – that we can kick asses with our martial arts… and aren’t afraid to get naked in the public as well.

They “rediscovered” the world by accident through films… and realized that there are so many different types of Asians as well. Soon, the newer generations of Americans got over the war thing, and began to accept Asians (and monosodium glutamate) as part of their culture. See the Americans today. Kungpao chickens invading almost every American homes. Tallest dude in their NBA. Heck, they even have an Asian as one of their angels. And all their stuffs are made in China (trust me… I did a lot of shopping research when I was in the States).

Say some of them still hate us Asians? Well, fuck them. Can’t please everyone in this world…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off