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February 13, 2019

what have i learned – Company T

I have worked in Company T as a project lead for 7 years now.

I’m not saying this proudly but rather, out loud to myself in disbelief. It’s a fuck of a company, and I hate everything in it. Reason why I stayed so long in this place, is because I am rather well paid there (it was double of what I earned from my last employment when joined, now tripled). So, it’s all for the money here now. There’s no heart in it… like a prostitute.

“I just can’t stand Company T employees, they are such whores”, I used to tell everyone that. Now, I can’t believe I’m employed here (I still refuse to call myself a ‘Company T employee’…)

So what have I learned there over the years at Company T? Not all the good things, I’m afraid. I learned how to fake shit there. That’s right… faking shit up.

I learned how to fucking fake a smile. I used to give people the flip-bird hard face when I wasn’t happy about something, but over here, I have to give a fake smile to every asshole I encounter because everyone is backstabbing each other over the simplest of things (if you know where to find the horror stories I encountered in Company T in this blog, you’d know why).

I learned how to fucking fake a courtesy. Like when one of the delinquent engineers refuses to reply my urgent email for the fifth time with a deadline in tow, I have to sound like I’m all dandy with him/her and keep resending the request with sweet frosting on top like “Hi IgnorantFatFuck, sorry for bothering you but, I would appreciate if you could provide the XML file for the voltage limit setting that has been due since last century. Thank you”…

I learned how to fucking fake my mental state. Like when a rookie does something moronic, instead of castigating him/her with something direct and fun like “you’re such a fucking dumbass that I’m surprised you made it this far in life. Did your mom drop you on the head when you were a kid? Or did your stepdad feed you kerosene when you’re a baby?”. Instead, I have to pretend that I care, and part fake words of wisdom to the imbecilic comrade to lift his/her spirits up and guide him/her back to the righteous path.

I learned how to fake a respect. Like when a high ranking oxygen waster wanted to discuss about something that’s retarded, I have to feign interest and pretend that I care enough to listen to his/her brain filth which they uncharacteristically refer to as ‘thoughts/ideas’… when all I think about is which tool to choose if I were to be given the free pass to clobber his/her head.

I learned how to pretend that I enjoy the company of idiots. Like someone whom I remotely know spontaneously joins me at the cafe to talk about something of little interest to me at the cafeteria and I have to fake it like I’m totally glad to have his/her company like I can’t do without, while I actually just want to enjoy my meal alone.

Whores.

michaelooi  | rantings, work shit  | Comments Off
May 25, 2016

crazy shit in Company T

This coming June, will be my 4th year working in Company T. Felt like it was just yesterday when I stepped into this madhouse.

You wouldn’t believe how crazy this place is. The crazy shit that happened here. Here are some of them, you be the judge if these are crazy good shit, or crazy bad shit…:

Pedestrians get to momentarily become god in Company T parking lot.
I think I’ve written about it before when I first came for an interview. You know when you’re walking in a really slow pace and you’re like… a good 5 meters away from crossing the road? Cars would fucking stop for you right there and then. In the outside world, drivers like that would have been regarded as crazy, or mentally retarded. It’s so ridiculous, that sometimes walking could be faster than driving in Company T parking lot! I mean, if you were to live most of your life getting used to crazy shit like this, no shit that you’d be more likely to die younger in the real world because you’d be so used to this privilege that you might let your guards down out of Company T.

Fruit fest once a year (or twice?)
There’s this event called ‘fruit fest’ or something, that is organized by the management. The fest is simply an event to get every employee to whoop local fruits en masse. For free. Yes believe it. And usually the event will coincide with the durian season and the star of the show? DURIANS! It will come by the truckload. Not just shitty durians but, pretty good ones. Imagine this, you get to whoop shitloads of free durians, mangosteens, rambutans, etc, while still getting paid under company time, if that isn’t crazy shit, I don’t know what is. Shit like this doesn’t happen elsewhere…

There are game rooms for employees, where you can play console games
Yes, there are a few game rooms scattered around the buildings. And there’s an electrical massage chair in some of the game rooms (you can fucking nap on it). The last time I went there (there was a particular period of time when my colleagues and I caught the FIFA fever and we shirked 30% of our working hours off in the goddamn game room), there were PS3 and Wii consoles in there with a decent amount of games. I learned that employees could bring their own games too, but we didn’t do that. In the old days, shirking is a frowned upon activities, but in Company T, they make your shirking irresistible, and the crazy thing is – the management is encouraging it.

The ladies get to form groups of cohorts and splurge company budget on company time
Imagine your boss asks you to form a group of about 5 – 6 guys, dump some budget on you, and asks you to organize small scale events to make the guys happy once a month (or something) – with the condition that it must be during working hours. So you bring the guys to have a beer, or maybe to play some pool or darts, during working hours. That’s what’s happening at Company T, except that it’s for ladies only (guys aren’t eligible to form their own group, for some unfathomable reasons). I’ve so far heard the girls organizing shopping events (just splurge with a company issued voucher), a spa event, a pedicure/manicure/manure event, afternoon tea, lunches, etc. All paid for. There’s no absolute objective to this other than to make them happy and well greased at the nether region. Of course we guys are unhappy about this, but we get to let it out in the game rooms.

IT parts/gadgets vending machine
There’s this vending machine with a touch screen interface, where employees get to choose their favorite IT part/gadget, scan the NFC badge on the scanner and out pops the desired part/gadget (if still in stock). You can imagine this scenario playing at my workplace – You say, “I need a fucking mouse and an extra adapter, and I need it PRONTO!”, and you go to the vending machine, make selection on the screen, scan badge and POP! You get your fucking mouse and an adapter. It’s that easy. Of course, your department pays for this by charging the hardwares to your cost center. The IT doesn’t give a rat’s ass about getting approval but once you scan the badge, it gets paid for. No one is going to be there to stop you, no approval process and by the time your boss is foaming in the mouth from the bill, it’s already too late because you would’ve been rocking with the spanking new hardware for days if not weeks. In most company, the idea wouldn’t even go past on paper to even get a fucking quotation for the part.

****
to be continued.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
June 11, 2012

Company T

So I have left Company Y, and joined a new workplace which I’d call – Company T – from now on. It’s a much bigger MNC, with much more people. It’s a lateral move for me, which means, not much is gained from this move. But then, from my crude assessment, Company T would give me a much better prospect than that Company Y shithole. That’s why I made the call to jump on (but then like, most place would be better than Company Y, really)

But what’s different this time is that I’m departing off my career path to accept this job. It’s like, a totally different ballgame for me. Imagine a porn actor who suddenly switches to become a pimp? Yes, it is that different. Almost all my past experiences might be nulled for this job. That’s why I’m getting a bit nervous about this job.

Anyway, apart from that, the move is a big culture shock for me as well. Company T, being a massive corporation, is very anal about its employees being role models. The day that I joined, the manager kept reminding me (like it is the utmost important thing ever, more important than showing up at work…) not to violate any traffic rules in the company compound/carpark – which if I do, will prompt a series of stern disciplinary actions which I suspect involve him getting a colonoscopy treatment with a coconut grinder shaft and a job termination for me.

So I took note of that, and noticed that it is quite dire as my manager has projected. Everyone in Company T seems to live by that rule – be a fucking role model or lose your job! It’s like an utopia of traffic in Company T! You know, cars stopping for pedestrians, everyone driving at a pace so safe, that a dog might outrun any motorized vehicle… But alas, this is confined only to Company T compound. Once you get off the very border of Company T, you’d see the employees start to floor the accelerator, weave around the traffic like a madman and start to shove here/there. The role model values end at the security guard gate.

I was thinking, how to make them extend beyond the gate? Then it struck me… maybe the government should change the traffic demerit system by linking it to our workplace? That is, anyone who violates the traffic rules ANYWHERE in this country, will get a severe disciplinary action at work and get a blemish in his/her record (example: Caught speeding at the highway? Get a warning letter at work). That way, people will think twice whenever they’re about to show the assholic side of themselves behind the wheels. If it works in Company T compound, it’ll surely work anywhere.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
April 17, 2019

the principal engineer that looked like Momo…

… is a bitch.

A little backstory. Part of my work at Company T, is to develop a test with automation for a prototype product, that is non existent anywhere in this world. Although it sounded kinda awesome but it’s a bitch of a work if you think about it. Because nothing like it has ever existed, a lot of the stuff that we do, involves a hell lot of calculated chances, especially the automation hardware that goes into it. We have to wade through the pool of unknown shit before we can get our job done. You get the idea.

Because we’re not perfect at maths, a lot of those ‘calculated chances’ occasionally manifests as failures… just like those countless of rockets the Nasa guys wrecked before they’re finally able to send something to the outer fucking space. And when shit like this happens, we jump into the mess to figure out what went wrong, and fix the damn shit to put the whole thing back on track (it’s part of our job). One would think that our line work should consist of some of the smartest people on the planet to be able to pull off this kind of shit, but that’s a fucking major oversight. Believe it or not, a lot of the people involved in my project are no more than a regular dumbass that fools the everyday public.

One of them was this middle aged principal engineer bitch called “Momo”. Before I continue, I have to explain that a principal engineer is very big deal in Company T. It’s like, the fucking Jedi High Council master in Star Wars, or one of the Eminent Persons in Dr.M’s government. They’re paid like the directors, and they have the say in every fucking matter. And they’re supposed to be the smartest of us all. So, when a principal engineer asks you something, it usually means some serious shit is going to hit the fan…

Case in point was this engineering mess we’re in. In the midst of it all, this – afore mentioned – principal engineer bitch sent an email asking this question “Why didn’t you guys prevent the failures from happening?”

That’s like asking doctors why they can’t prevent people from getting cancer. Everyone who read the email were shocked, especially me, who had no clue who this Momo was. I checked her profile via the company database, found that she looked like that ugly meme character “Momo”, and has fuck tonnes of engineers reporting under her belt. I immediately knew she’s not someone I should shoot a sarcastic reply at… So I asked one of the managers whom I work with

“Eh, who is this ugly hag ah? Who the fuck asks this kind of question?”
“She’s a principal engineer. She is the boss of the [manufacturing team who screwed up a lot]”
“A principal engineer? Seriously?? How can a principal engineer ask this kind of retarded question??”
“No idea.”
“Fucking bitch”

Her email remained in everyone’s mailbox for days, unreplied. In the end, the matter was forgotten and everyone moved on. But Momo would continue to stir shit up that nobody could fathom what her intended effect was. In the end, we solved the problem, and she remained a bitch.

michaelooi  | ...is a bitch, work shit  | Comments Off
January 12, 2019

douchebag fashion nowadays

You know, Company T employs a lot of fresh graduates almost every month. That’s why, I get to see the latest fashion senses (…like… in a super regular basis) when these young aspiring engineers show up for work at the beginning of the month. I don’t have to go to a college or a mall, I can see it all happening in my workplace, Company T. It’s like watching a slasher plot unfolding perpetually, one serial serial killer after another.

One of the most revolting sense of fashion I’ve noticed lately, is ‘short pants’. Not like the shortpants short pants but, a pair of long pants that are deliberately cut short (or made short? undersized?), just like the picture you see on the left. And I can see like, almost 50% of these douchebags wear these kind of stupid pants. No socks (socks sales must have fucking gone down lately, I bet). One of my old schoolmate once called this ‘The Michael Jackson pants’ – which if you noticed, was the kind of pants that Mike would wear when he danced. But he did that with white socks, reason being was, he wanted people to focus on his feet when he was dancing. But these young douchebags? They wear it without socks. Maybe this is one of the androgynous K-pop fashion thing that I might not know…

OK, a few problems with this Michael Jackson pants with no socks at work. First of all, they sure as hell aren’t dancing at work, so I have no idea why would they want anyone to notice their feet. Secondly, the ‘no socks’ policy is fucking disgusting. People wear socks to absorb the feet sweat to keep their feet dry. When your feet are dry, you don’t get as much bacteria breeding under your feet, therefore, reducing the stink (that’s why you need to keep your socks dry too, and change them regularly). This is like trying to regress from being civilized. You guys fucking heard of ‘Athlete’s feet’? Well, contrary from what the name suggested, it’s not a desired state where you have muscular lean feet like an athlete’s, but a kind of fungal infection when you do not wear socks and your feet would literally turn into zombies (go Google it already, you imbeciles!).

I asked my wife Emily about it, just in case if this is me being old and shit,
“Hey you noticed that young guys nowadays like to wear those Michael Jackson pants with no socks? You find that revolting?”
“Yeah I know. I have someone in my workplace wearing like that. Young guy. It’s weird”

For the record, we’re in our early 40’s so, I don’t know if you young chicks find that attractive but, we definitely don’t. I swear on my feet that if I ever get a young guy wearing like that in my team at work, I’mma fucking help to accelerate his goal of getting ‘Athlete’s feet’ by loading him with more labor intensive work and sweat it out through his feet. Mark my words.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off