December 3, 2017

life changing defining moment

I caught someone asking a question the other day – “Have you ever experienced a life changing defining moment before?”

It got me thinking… hard, as I’ve experienced a lot of life changing defining moments before in my life. But if I were to cite none but one, it has to be that morning in July 2011 when I first saw my mom’s face when we found her in her car, after searching all morning for her. A couple of medics were onsite, there were measuring devices around her, and I could see that they were doing some assessments of sorts. But that didn’t matter. I knew my mom was gone. Dead. I knew a face of death when I see one, and that was when it hit me hard – that my life will be different from then on. Everything was changed, just like that, and it felt surreal. I was sad but, I could not eke any emotion out of myself. I think I was in shock, and it was so intense that, I felt dizzy.

I locked gaze at my mom’s face through the windscreen of her car, and walked towards the medics. One of the medics, then turned to me and said – “I’m sorry, your mom’s not with us anymore. There’s no pulse in her, and we reckon that she’s been like this for some time”. I, of course, already knew, and that confirmation sent my wife and sister crying. But I just walked away and sat at a nearby ledge, random thoughts started to flood my mind – what am I going to tell my daughter? why did my mom kill herself? what the fuck just happened? Is this real? Who the fuck are these people? What the hell am I suppose to do now?

It went on like that through the day, while I managed to keep my shit together to deal with my mom’s body and subsequently, her funeral arrangements. I was on autopilot mode. I did things physically, but my mind was not in it. I couldn’t remember most of the day, but kept thinking of how she looked when I saw her that morning. I went through the day by dealing with the police, claiming her body from the morgue (there was an autopsy involved), getting the paperwork done, talking to the undertaker, and ended up sleeping on the stone bench outside the funeral parlor that night, after the guests were gone from the first night of wake. And I had a dream that everything that happened that day, was a nightmare. It was such a relief that I told myself in the dream – “I KNEW IT! IT HAD TO BE A NIGHTMARE! I WONDERED LONG ENOUGH WHEN AM I GOING TO WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

And I woke up to find myself lying on the bench back in reality, looking at the edge of the roof of the dilapidated funeral parlor, sat up to see my mom’s portrait in front of her casket at the funeral parlor, and then the life changing defining moment hit me the second time, this time, permanently burnt into my consciousness.

michaelooi  | personal  | 

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