Archive for 2017

October 8, 2017

Prince of Wales Island IV

I recently saw some half past six posts about learning Hokkien to be used in Penang (Penang Hokkien has been gaining popularity lately). Not only those vocabs are not really accurate, people here hardly ever used those in Penang at all. To those of you who thinks that by reading a couple of those posts would make you street smart in Penang, well, you’re dead fucking wrong.

The good news is, I’ve written some vocabs in this blog here and I started it way before when these shit were cool (the last one was 12 years ago). I’m gonna add the 4th version here (and possibly continue on the legacy here in the blog)

“soi yau”
direct translation – ‘nasty fella’. Actually a Cantonese term, but in Penang, this is a Hokkien slang.
actual meaning – cops or law enforcement office.
eg: “Hiong kan! Soi Yau! Siu lui! siu lui!”
[translation: “Fuck! Cops! Keep the money! Keep the money!”]

“beh khi”
direct translation – ‘cannot go’. Like an answer to a ‘go or no go?’ question.
actual meaning – something lame or fails to live up to average expectation, similar usage to sucks.
eg: “Old Town eh wantan mee beh khi eh.”
[translation: “The wantan noodles at Old Town sucks”]

“cho gau gau”
direct translation – ‘make smart smart’. The repetition of smart here denotes the excessive necessity to be smart in the context.
actual meaning – the verb to describe a motherfucker trying to be a smart about something he/she that is beyond his/her knowledge/expertise.
eg: “KL eh lang cho gau gau lai Penang boh gia GPS, choi bo hotel”
[translation: “People from KL who are trying to be smart by navigating Penang without a GPS, and couldn’t find the hotel”]

“chak kiau”
direct translation – ‘shuffle the cards’ or ‘intercept the hand’ (in gambling). In gambling, when you have a streak of sheer dumb luck wins, the Chinese believe it is a taboo to double ‘shuffle the cards’ or have an additional player introduced into the table, because it will fuck up the winning guy’s mojo – which is often what the casinos would do when one wins too much in a table.
actual meaning – to interfere and fuck up your shit (applies to everything, not just gambling).
eg: “Limpeh eh project ok eh, liau chi kiok phoobor kia lai chak kiau, hiong kan ka liau”
[translation: “My project was all fine, until this motherfucker came to interfere and ruin everything up”.

“tua ki”
direct translation – ‘big rod’ (an allusion to big dick).
actual meaning – deep shit or big trouble. This is probably originated from the popular ‘do not pick up the soap in prison’ notion. The big dick inside you when you pick up the soap = big trouble.
eg: “Ah Seng tiok tuaki liao. Ee eh boh eh friend kua tiok ee chua laukeh ki hotel”
[translation: “Ah Seng is in deep shit. His wife’s friend saw him brought an old prostitute to a hotel”

“sok”
direct translation – ‘to wound tight with a rope/string/band’.
actual meaning – to arrest or to be caught.
eg: “Hor soi yau sok”
[translation: “Got arrested by a cop”]

“cho bo lan”
direct translation – ‘did no dick’.
actual meaning – did something that is redundant or yielded no results or a complete waste of time.
eg: “Ha kiok pukimak gia anneh cheh lang cho anneh cheh minkia, cho bo lan”
[translation: “That motherfucker took so many headcounts did so many things, yet he yielded no results”]

“kangtau”
direction translation – ‘rim of the hole’. Probably an allusion to the labia of the vagina, often regarded as a boon to any situation.
actual meaning – something good going on, could be an opportunity, an event, or a desirable situation. Has a very wide usage.
eg1: “Ki KL cho hamik? KL boh kangtau eh lah!”
[translation: “Why go to KL? KL is boring!”]
eg2: [answering a phonecall] “Hamik kangtau?”
[translation: “What’s going on buddy?”]
eg3: “Ee kah ee eh tauke oo kangtau eh…”
[translation: “She’s having an affair with her boss…”]
eg4: “Wa kimmeh boh ciak pui. Wa tua phortay oo kangtau”
[translation: “I won’t be back for dinner. I have an appointment in the city”]

“pang pua liap”
direct translation – [in soccer betting] to allow a 1/2 goal handicap over the opponent team’s score. A draw would result a lost bet, a win of 1 goal over the opponents yields a win.
actual meaning – (applicable to only females) to gain an advantage (ironically, rather than a handicap) over any situation by dressing provocatively-cleavage-revealing top.
eg: “Ee pang pua liap tua office, hamik pun ok liao”
[translation: “She just needs to show her cleavage, everything will be all right again”]

Links from the past entries:
Prince of Wales Island
Prince of Wales Island II
Prince of Wales Island III

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September 25, 2017

forgettable face

Have you ever met someone whose face is so common, that you won’t be able to remember his/her face no matter how hard you try? I have met one that is so severe, that I strongly believe it should be classified as a superpower. It is my neighbor’s daughter.

My neighbor’s said daughter, has a face so common, that I can’t remember how she looks like no matter how hard I try. I’ve seen her face to face a few times, when I was at the apartment porch buying some bread from the Indian bread peddler, but there’s totally no recollection of any detail about her face. All I know is, she’s a teenager, about 16 or 17 of age, skinny as fuck. She probably can’t even use her face to unlock an iPhone X at all because Siri won’t have any fucking idea who she is.

It’s not that she’s ugly, because if that’s the case, it’ll be easy to remember her (let’s not even talk about being pretty). She’s just looking too commonly common. At first, I thought it was just me, so I kept this observation to only myself. Then one day, while talking to my wife about this neighbor, I had to find out if I’m alone in this…

“Hey, you know that *Cat’s Testicles’ daughter?”

*A given moniker by yours truly as I couldn’t properly pronounce my neighbor’s name in Mandarin – only to find it sound phonetically similar to ‘Cat’s Testicles’ in Cantonese.

“What about her daughter?”

“You noticed that she has such a forgettable face? I’ve seen her many times, but I still do not know how she looks like”

“Yeah, now that you mention it, I do not know how she looks like!”

Fucking cat balls. That was how I found out that I’m not nuts. She’s like, a boogeyman (or a boogeybroad), who walks amongst the shadows, undetected. Hell, even if you see her face to face, your memory won’t be able to hold much information about her features – except, maybe the shape of her head, or her hairstyle. Hell, I don’t even remember how her hair looks like! When you try to remember her, your brain will give an uncorrectable error. Blue screen of death, and out pops a monochrome dinosaur telling you that this is a bad load. Think about the implications, guys. She’s like the Fifth Element in reality. Think about how much damage if Cat’s Testical’s daughter were to fall into the wrong hands. She’d be an asset in the world of espionage…

Cat’s Testicles’ daughter, ladies and gentlemen.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
September 15, 2017

how to appreciate your father

My 11 year old daughter Regine came to me about something in her BeeEm homework, I was busy reading a book on the bed.

Regine: “Daddy, what are the examples of ‘menghargai jasa ayah’?”

‘Menghargai jasa ayah’ means to show appreciation for your father’s contribution.

Me: “You can give him a hug… or maybe a gift…”

Regine: “What other examples? I need more examples”

Me: “Leave him alone…”

She got the message and left me alone. I knew she’s a smart one.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us, dialogs  | Comments Off
September 7, 2017

the balcony

*long post, wrote this composite post in a few sessions.

The hot afternoon breeze combs through the patch of sun baked grass, and carries with it the smell of a long lost memory that was buried deep inside me. Not forgotten, just lost. It brought me back to the time when I was alone in my old single room flat, at the balcony which overlooked the biggest cemetery in Penang. When I was in my elementary schooling years, my mother traveled a lot, and I spent most of my time alone at home. In that home, the balcony was my special place.

It was about 8 x 3 feet small, with glazed brown tiles adorning the floor. Because the flat was so small, we had to put the fridge there too. Up near the ceiling, there was a shelving for my mom to keep her unused items. There was once, a family of sparrows nested at the shelving, and some crows came to feast on the birdlings. It was a grisly sight. Separating me from falling 8 floors down to the ground, was a railing made of iron rods, painted over with several layers of glossy paint. I’d peel the paint off some parts of the railing, revealing its history of colors from decades of my family’s presence there. It had been blue and red and brown, before it was grey. Hanging out of the iron rod railing, was a suspended iron rack made by my mom’s brother, who welded it up as a gift for her to put her plants. My mom would keep her potted plants on the rack for many years. Over the years of water damage and exposure to weather, the iron rack rusted very badly and flakes of rusts would drop on our neighbor’s awning. But it still stood when we left the flat for another home.
Read the rest of this entry »

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August 17, 2017

moron magnet

I’m pretty sure most of you have heard of ‘chick magnet’… but have you heard of ‘moron magnet’? You know? Instead of chicks, you get morons? That’s what I am, people. A moron magnet.

I’ve just encountered another moronic incident at Company T, which I couldn’t explain how the fuck this could happen other than the theory of me being a moron magnet. (I attract morons, or I have the innate ability to turn regular weak willed people into morons…)

You see, there’s this petite young Malay chick who just joined my department about 2 years back. Let’s just call her, PontianakSundalHaram. She’s a known perpetual PMS kind of cunt, no one likes her but that’s beside the point because she and I were alright with each other, or so I thought.

The actual fact is, deep inside her friendliness, she was harboring some mad rage about me, and I wasn’t aware about that until a few days ago – when my boss summoned me to a 1:1 talk. Now, in Company T, an impromptu 1:1 talk initiated by the boss could only mean 1 thing – someone stabbed you in the back. So, my boss broke the news to me, PontianakSundalHaram just stabbed me in the back… which came as a surprise to me because we do not interact much other than courtesy smile exchanges along the corridor…

“Seriously, her? What did I do?”
“Apparently, she was unhappy that you coached an intern in her vicinity.”
“What?”
“Yeah, as weird as it sounds, I have to investigate because she complained. She claims that you’re trying to send some subliminal message to her that she sucks”
“What the f… Do you have any idea how absurd this sounds??”
“I know. Don’t blame me, I had to investigate because a complain has been filed”
“Do you think I’m a subliminal message kind of guy? You know I’d just go to her and tell her to her face if I wanted to send her a message, right?”

Luckily, my boss knew better… because he himself had been stabbed by PontianakSundalHaram before. And everyone knows I’m not a subliminal message person, but more like a complete opposite (I had been getting feedbacks that I have been to direct and need to sugar coat my words). So, I don’t know how she’d perceive that the innocent act of me talking to an intern reminded her how fucked up she is. Tell me if that isn’t the most moronic thing you’ve ever heard. She somehow managed to turn her low self-esteem into a problem that transcends logic, and so non-value added that it took several unnecessary manhours to investigate/discuss this bullshit. Can you fucking believe this?

In the outside world, away from Company T, this would have warranted for a warning letter to get her shit together, and a yell or two to set this cunt straight. But alas, this is Company T, where everyone’s feelings matter, including morons. So after all the investigation (which my boss had to go around interviewing everyone), my boss expectedly arrived to the conclusion that this is pure bollocks and is now setting up another 1:1 meeting with PontianakSundalHaram and find a way to tell her in a non-offensive way that she is worse than a venereal disease infection and sucks donkey cock.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off