Archive for July, 2016

July 20, 2016

super awesome toasts

Hi guys. Today I’m going to teach you how to make a meal of super awesome toasts.

I bet many of you think making toasts is easy, well, hell yeah. But making a super awesome one ain’t… so, consider this a random act of kindness from me.

So let’s get things started already. First of all, the ingredients.

1) Sliced white bread. Get something with a dense white part, and not too thick. Gardenia is good. Again, avoid using other types of bread like wholemeal or butterscotch. Those bread are only suitable as bird feed.

2) Salted butter. Processed from the milk of a cow born on 29th February of odd years. If you can’t find one, get SCS salted butter. (no, adding salt to unsalted butter won’t work). Make sure it is not too soft. Best is to leave it for about 15 – 20 mins at room temp (29C, longer if colder) once it is taken out of the fridge.

3) Sweetened condensed milk. If you do not know what’s a condensed milk, you should probably jump from a very high building. Sweetened condensed milk is ubiquitous in hypermarts and grocery stores. Get a decent one like Susu Cap Junjung or the Teapot brand. Lookout for dead lizards in the can.

4) Proper tools to do the job. A butter knife to spread the love across your toasts, and a fucking toaster. Seriously, use a fucking toaster, not an oven or waffle maker.

And that’s all you ever need. Here are the steps:

First you lay out 2 slices of white bread flat onto a plate. Then you inspect them for flaws.

sandwich
the sliced white bread should be white and flawless you fuck

Once you’ve completed inspection, setup the toaster. First install a driver called ‘commonsense.py’. Set the toaster to about 30% burnt. Different toasters have varying levels but they all meant the fucking same thing. Mine has 5 levels, so my setting should be about 1.5.

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those numbers aren’t indicating the minutes, you dumb fuck

Then you carefully install those inspected sliced white bread pieces into the toaster slots. Make sure they’re seated at the center to allow it to aerate and breathe evenly (alright I just made that up, I just have a mild case of OCD). If your bread slices don’t fit, go buy a new toaster.

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correct way to install Sliced Bread 2.0 into Toaster Kernel

You should get the installation right by now. Push down the lever to activate toaster. You should be able to smell the aroma of the bread if it’s working. If it’s not, try to microwave your cellphone.

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those glowing little lightsabers are doing their job toasting the damn bread

The toasts are ready when they pop up from the toaster. Now WAIT! Literally that’s what you need to do. You need to cool down the toasts, and yet retain its crispness. Just put them under the fan for 3 minutes. Or you can leave it for 8 minutes 13.45 seconds without a blowing fan.

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leave them to cool down, very important

The reason to cool them down is to not ruin the butter. The butter should be creamy on the toast, not melt like grease. If the toasts are hot/warm, the butter will melt and there goes your toasts. Once they’ve been cooled down, spread the butter on one of the toasts like how you’d spread love to a sweet looking poontang.

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butter on toast should not melt. if it does, you’ve failed your parents

Then you spread the other piece with the sweetened condense milk. The thing is damn sweet so, spread in moderation unless you’d like some diabetes to go with your toasts.

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a thin layer of condensed milk. Only works on toasts, would seep through regular bread

Once you’ve got both sides prepped, carefully assemble them spread-to-spread, just like how a seasoned cobbler glue together the naked sole of a shoe to a rubber outsole. Your toast sandwich is now ready to be devoured.

sandwich
tadaa! one of the very few non-sex-toy items in the world that gives you orgasm

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off
July 4, 2016

“Eye In The Sky” (2015)

Don’t you hate it when a flick has to waste 40 – 50% of its entire screening doing some background sub-story for the protagonist – which probably has no significance to the main plot? Fucking annoying, isn’t it? Why can’t every movie just start midway, just like Dredd or Children of Men? Or this, Eye In The Sky?

Awesome piece of shit, this movie. If one knows my preference, you’d know that I like engaging flicks with very little bullshit background storytelling and one that leaves me plenty of room to do some thinking instead. This flick is one stellar example of how it should be – virtually no character building kinds of shit that I abhor and straight to the point. All the character building will be from the viewer’s own judgement based on what transpired in the plot. Who’s cold, who’s soft, who’s the pussy, it’ll be built in the mind when the movie ends.

The plot of this flick revolves around a military drone monitoring cum capture mission of several prized terrorist targets, which then turned into a goddamn assassination mission after the targets changed the meeting place to an unsafe (for capture) zone. Unbeknownst to the soon-to-be-dead terrorists, the whole house (meeting place) was being monitored by no less than a dozen strangers through a drone plane high def camera, comprised of military men/women and ministers of a few nations (a joint military operation). But what was initially a straight forward guided missile strike, soon escalated into a predicament, when a fucking kid came into the picture to complicate the situation. So there’s the question of protocol, morality, legality and humanity to defuse the tension – kill the kid and save the public? Spare the kid and risk the public (there were suicide bombers in there…)? The plot even throws in some light comedy as well, which was brilliant. And it was all in 1 sitting. Just a little more than 90 minutes, it is a gem to watch. (at one point, it even reminded me of the red tapes I faced at work in real life…)

8 out of 10 (engaging plot, solid performance especially from Professor Snape, a little gore to the taste)

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off