February 15, 2016

JD for bosses

If we were to reverse-engineer the things that Company T bosses do and write a job description for it, it’ll look something like this:

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XXX Manager

Description
This position is a redundant role within XXX project, under YYY organization, but you will be highly paid for the fuck of it.
Key focus of this role is to ensure the bunch of simians running the technical aspect of the project has someone to fear of, and to be the villain arm of the department when it comes to budget hacking or beheading heads off headcounts when there is a need for retrenchment. You will be required to call for meetings at the least expected times and to create redundant objectives out of thin air (to keep the workforce perpetually in motion). This role will also provide necessary hosting work to visiting exec leaders/VPs, and be able to handle last minute requests to get dining tables/golf appointments at country clubs.

Qualifications
Minimum Qualifications
You will need a Bachelor’s degree in whatever or related field
A member in at least 1 country club or a golf club.
For aesthetic reasons, the candidate must be bald or balding. Having male pattern baldness genes (but not bald) in the family will be considered.
Ability to lunch alone (due to prohibition of fraternization in the company)
Acting talents will be an advantage for this position (eg. feigning to do something important on your laptop while reading something off a tabloid news site)

In addition,
Candidates should demonstrate ability to sugar coat caustic and bad news to employees in the least offensive way, so as to not jeopardize their motivation to work. This is where the acting talent comes as an advantage, ability to realistically project an emotional distress during the delivery of bad news will reduce the risk of doubts in the workforce. Must possess effective communication skills at senior level, proficient at usage of words like Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win and Future and have the intrinsic ability formulate a real-time deceptive reply to verbal inquiries by a high level executive leader. Be able to work effectively across organization boundaries, such as ability to find good restaurants at a minute’s notice, working with other departmental managers to brainstorm on reducing non-executive departmental costs, defending the management’s reputation, et al.

Should you accept this position, you must consent to and pass an extended Background Investigation, which includes (subject to country law), colonoscopy, suppository drug enhancement, colonoscopy, requests to perform fellatio and colonoscopy. For internals, this investigation may or may not be completed prior to starting the position. For additional questions, please contact our human resource.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 

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