Archive for February, 2016

February 28, 2016

kitty hate mail

Another verbose hatemail from the world wide web for my cat torture post. (I collect them like trophies)

This guy sounds like some dimwit who has very intimate relationship with his right hand… who uses the zombies in Walking Dead as a metaphor of hate, and the age twelve as the maturity benchmark, LOL.

It kinda boggles the mind to think that people like him would deign to spend that fraction of time in his awakening life to write such a long hatemail to me, rather than spending it for a better cause… like maybe volunteer at the soup kitchen? The animal shelter perhaps? Draft a petition to outlaw meat as food? et al.

On Thu, Feb 25, 2016 at 1:08 PM, Bombay [] wrote:
You need mental help. You’re the kind of person Rick kills in the walking dead. You’re a stupid troll who sucks at shock value. You’re an attention whore.
“…So think twice about sending me an email”

Bitch, I know how to filter an email address.
And bitch, even if a different one gets through I know how to NOT CLICK ON IT! And no, a hostile insulting attention-grabbing subject isn’t gonna make me click on your response either!
Go kill yourself :) Also, you may think you’re cool with this whole torturing cats thing, but you’re just another psycho from investigation discovery, nothing new.

Do you have any idea how many fucked up people are in this world? Do you think YOU fucking compare to any of them? Ha, you’re fucking funny, you stupid fucktard.

Yeah sure, you can make a website and post fucked up things because you’re thirsty and desperately need attention, and have the mentality of a six year old, which is the mentality of “I’m gonna piss everyone off” But this is the real world, and you’re gonna have to conform or be sanctioned eventually. And you’re not going to like it when someone finally puts you in your place :) Your stupid, stupid place :)
You haven’t matured past the age of twelve. Trust me. You haven’t. Because twelve year old boys talk about those kind of things. Or psychopaths. But acting like a psychopath doesn’t make you look all “mystical and interesting” it just brings hate your way so have fun dealing with all that.
We can troll too, bitch ass motherfucker.

Trust me, you can play on the fringe as much as you want; you’re only making yourself look like a preteen boy.
But once you start to play outside the edge, you know, with that pathetic little game of yours, then you’re going to piss of the wrong person. Who knows, it might be a cop (seems logical, considering you’re the type to throw a bitch fit if told to lay on the ground) And once you piss off the wrong person, they’re going to hurt you. They’re going to hurt your bitch ass. And people are gonna laugh at your twisted up, pale bloody pathetic little face.

You’re only pushing it as far as you can without getting the wrong persons attention and getting set straight. Therefore, you’re just a fucking attention whore.

Get fucking real. And get fucking mental help.

You’re not some “scary” “powerful” man, you’re just annoying everyone in the world. You’re like a speed bump, or an annoying kid pulling on my shirt. Get over cats, and get over yourself.

Get out of life’s fucking way and go see a therapist.

My reply to Bombay the 12 year old cat lover:

On Sun, Feb 28, 2016 at 4:46 PM, Michael Ooi wrote:
Bombay. Fuck you and your miserably pathetic piece of retarded rant.

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February 22, 2016

this CNY

I had the rare opportunity to rendezvous with a childhood friend of mine named ‘Wai’ this CNY. I’ve known Wai since I was 9, and this CNY, we would have known each other for almost 30 years (I’ll be turning 39 this year)! His mom and my late mother were BFFs and that was how we got acquainted. We never got off to be considered as BFF ourselves like our mothers but we were quite close as kids along with his younger brother whom we fondly called ‘FatKid’ (they also have a younger sister, but we weren’t close). I’d go to his village at Paya Terubong (a spot now developed into a big ass sports complex) whenever my mom visited his mom, and I had fond memories of us cycling, flying kites and hanging out by the filthy stream that ran behind his zinc-roofed house.

It wasn’t long after that Wai’s parents had to leave to work abroad and we lost contact with each other for a few years… up until circa 1991 when his parents returned and moved to become our neighbor a couple houses away. That was when we spent a lot of time hanging out (I’ve actually written a piece of bike crash adventure with Wai back in 2004 – link), and visiting his house – which his dad extended to incorporate a small women’s shoes manufacturing workshop, and he worked with his dad as a cobbler (he already dropped out of school then, and I on the other hand, earned some extra money doing odd jobs helping out at his family workshop). His younger brother – FatKid – was still schooling then, but eventually dropped out as well, and but instead of being a cobbler like Wai, he was in the sales at the family shoe outlet at the city (Chowrasta Market) so, he wasn’t around at home much. That explains why I was closer to Wai than with FatKid.

Then in 1994, Wai accidentally knocked up his teenage girlfriend and was forced into marriage. After that marriage, his family moved away from that workshop house for reasons unknown to me. That was when we lost contact again, until this CNY, when a classmate of mine – Paul – hooked our contacts up. So how did Paul managed to hook us up? Well, hear this, this is when it gets really interesting – Paul was married to Wai’s younger sister. So, in the grand scale of fate, Wai somehow became Paul’s brother in law (both whom I’ve known for years). The thing is, I hung out a lot with Paul in 1993/1994, and he had even visited my house back when Wai’s family was still living a few doors away from my house. So, some time in the past, Paul and his wife had crossed path and they didn’t even know it. Something trivial but nevertheless interesting. Anyway, I hadn’t contacted Paul himself for years until we stumbled into each other at a wedding banquet of another classmate’s, and got to talk about Wai and this rendezvous. That’s how I managed to meet Paul and Wai again this CNY.

That was like, close to 22 years I had not seen Wai. The first thing he said to me was, “Dude! You’ve grown so huge now!”. Figures… I was no longer 16 and have grown quite significantly over the years. But Wai was still in his scrawny frame, just like how he was when I last saw him. He has aged a lot, his face is now wrinkled like his dad, and there’s this permanent scowl on him that told me he had been through a lot, and had waddled pool deep of shit in life. He also talks different now. We used to banter about stuff when we were teenagers, but now it felt like we’re both strangers brought from 2 different dimensions to live back the memories we’ve shared at one point in life in the past. My views were later attested by Paul, over the beers when Wai left earlier in the evening. Wai had since split with his wife from that first marriage, and married the 2nd time with another 3 kids (His son from the first marriage is now 22 years old). Wai is now a business partner for a construction firm at Johor and is doing well for himself, but before he landed this stable life, he had been in a quagmire of debts and was even into drugs. It was through some sheer determination that involves a new found faith that put him back on track in life to provide for his family. I mean, I couldn’t be happier for him… he’d been to the bottom and back. Not many people can do that.

Anyway, as we drank into the night, Paul and myself did our own rendezvous talking about our own stuff (with another classmate who joined later). But deep inside me, I couldn’t stop recalling the memories of our old neighborhood, and think about the bike stunts we did at the kampung, and the simpler life we had back then. The smell of rubber glue from the shoe factory. The Carina Lau lookalike prostitute we ogled next door. The schoolgirls next block we got infatuated with. We’ve certainly came a long way.

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February 15, 2016

JD for bosses

If we were to reverse-engineer the things that Company T bosses do and write a job description for it, it’ll look something like this:


XXX Manager

This position is a redundant role within XXX project, under YYY organization, but you will be highly paid for the fuck of it.
Key focus of this role is to ensure the bunch of simians running the technical aspect of the project has someone to fear of, and to be the villain arm of the department when it comes to budget hacking or beheading heads off headcounts when there is a need for retrenchment. You will be required to call for meetings at the least expected times and to create redundant objectives out of thin air (to keep the workforce perpetually in motion). This role will also provide necessary hosting work to visiting exec leaders/VPs, and be able to handle last minute requests to get dining tables/golf appointments at country clubs.

Minimum Qualifications
You will need a Bachelor’s degree in whatever or related field
A member in at least 1 country club or a golf club.
For aesthetic reasons, the candidate must be bald or balding. Having male pattern baldness genes (but not bald) in the family will be considered.
Ability to lunch alone (due to prohibition of fraternization in the company)
Acting talents will be an advantage for this position (eg. feigning to do something important on your laptop while reading something off a tabloid news site)

In addition,
Candidates should demonstrate ability to sugar coat caustic and bad news to employees in the least offensive way, so as to not jeopardize their motivation to work. This is where the acting talent comes as an advantage, ability to realistically project an emotional distress during the delivery of bad news will reduce the risk of doubts in the workforce. Must possess effective communication skills at senior level, proficient at usage of words like Synergize, Strategy, Win-Win and Future and have the intrinsic ability formulate a real-time deceptive reply to verbal inquiries by a high level executive leader. Be able to work effectively across organization boundaries, such as ability to find good restaurants at a minute’s notice, working with other departmental managers to brainstorm on reducing non-executive departmental costs, defending the management’s reputation, et al.

Should you accept this position, you must consent to and pass an extended Background Investigation, which includes (subject to country law), colonoscopy, suppository drug enhancement, colonoscopy, requests to perform fellatio and colonoscopy. For internals, this investigation may or may not be completed prior to starting the position. For additional questions, please contact our human resource.

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February 1, 2016


I was hanging out with both my wife and daughter at the bedroom, swiping something on the phone, when I heard my daughter ask:

Regine: “Mommy, what is ‘titties’?”

Before my wife could answer, I was already laughing like a jackass, while wondering where the hell could she have heard such words being used in school. Must be one of the goddamn TV shows. Anyways, it was funny in a way it was being asked, so I laughed.

Regine: “Why are you laughing daddy?”

I wanted to tell her that ‘titties’ is another slang to describe ‘boobies’, which itself is also a slang, but I just couldn’t think of a way to do it with no harm done. That was when my wife remarked:

Emily: “He’s laughing because he must have thought of something dirty…”

Me: “Eh?”

I later found out that my daughter wanted to know what does ‘titis’ mean in BeeEm (which means ‘drip’), not ‘titties’ in English. It was fortunate I didn’t take the trouble to describe what are ‘titties’ to her…

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