January 27, 2016

what have you signed up for…

One of my colleagues is going to be a father soon, for the first time. Naturally, as a seasoned parent, I obliged myself to offer him some pragmatic advice in our daily coffee break chats in hope that he doesn’t get frantic when the baby comes. In my younger days, I’d have appreciated if some jerk offs told me these non-sugar-coated grim realities so, I thought… why the hell not I be the jerk off to offer these advice to the society instead? Maybe this could help to reduce the future traffic jams or even world congestion… in some ways. So, aspiring parents, thank me in your thoughts and read this already:

Lack of sleep
You should totally expect of this. Babies have really messed up biological clock, they wake up at odd hours in the middle of the night for all kinds of reasons – inclement room temperature, hunger, shit in diaper, hell they’d wake when they hear clocks tick. You will not have the luxury of a good night’s sleep, especially during the first month when your wife is still recovering from the stitches. You’ll be the runner and problem solver, 24/7. You can say goodbye to your usual sleeping schedule.
How to prepare for this: To get yourself ready for this, you can start flexing your biological clock by halving your daily sleep hours. Example, if you’re currently having an 8 hour sleep, try to do 4 hours now. Let your body adjust to this.

Stress
When the baby wakes up screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night, you’d be under tremendous pressure to find out what’s wrong and do something about it lest the baby wakes the whole house. The problem with this is, the baby is not capable to communicate to you what it wants except by crying, so you’ll have to find out yourself by guessing in that groggy state of mind. I tell you, it’s not an easy thing to do. Most people is incapable to even hold a proper conversation in that state, let alone to troubleshoot a baby’s need.
How to prepare for this: Get your wife to scream at you for a random problem in the middle of the night, then have you go through a series of trial-and-error exercise to get to the problem. With ample practice, you should be able to work your differentiation diagnosis pretty quickly.

Accidents with harmless objects
Feeding a baby when you’re crudely awaken from a deep sleep requires a strong psyche, for you will be required to possess the composure to carefully navigate that little bawling turd’s mouth to the lactating teat of your wife’s. It’s easy when you’re all sober and that, but not when you’re groggy. It is like trying to dock a space craft in zero gravity under the influence of alcohol to the international space station – IN THE DARK. Harmless objects like bed stands or wardrobe could spell disaster to unprotected limbs/toes/head. It could be worse if you’re going for bottle feeding and have to deal with hot water. It’s very hard to mix the right amount of formula with the right water temperature when you’re groggy. Accidental scalding is a common injury for noob fathers (like me).
How to prepare for this: You know those wire loop game which you run a metal loop through a roller coaster like wire track? Those that would electrocute the person holding the metal loop if it touches the wire track? Have your – again – wife, to wake you up at random sleeping hours to play this game to hone your dexterity and improve your motor memory. Alternately, you can practice this while intoxicated, it’ll have the same effect.

Biohazard exposure
Babies are filthy people. They puke, poo, pee and fart in their bed – and they don’t feel shame of it at all. You’ll have to deal with the baby’s bodily waste and there’s a high chance that these toxic wastes will come in contact with your bare skin during your interaction. If you have a really weak heart for creamy stink-to-high-heaven baby excrement or stale puke that smells like rotten milk, then you’re in for a tough ride. Changing a diaper and cleaning up puke from the bed were the most traumatic experience ever for me. It’s really a mystery how a little person can produce such a nasty smelling retch inducing wastes with just goddamn milk. This will be the time that the expression “I didn’t sign up for this!!” get tossed in your mind a lot and really messes you up psychologically.
How to prepare for this: A couple of ways to do this – short term, you can MacGyver a piece of respiratory face mask, and add some medicated oil (minyak angin) near where you breathe. Caution: dire consequences if minyak angin comes in contact with baby’s puckering asshole. Long term – get friendly with the local garbagemen when they come by with a garbage truck. Chat with them next to the truck, soak yourself in with the nasty smell and stretch your olfactory organ a bit. Get used to nasty smells, you’ll be alright.

Social problems
You only have a finite amount of time given per day. When you have a baby, most of the time will be given to that baby, and you’re not going to get additional compensated hours back for that. Ergo, you can say goodbye to socializing with friends, hobbies (won’t be able to concentrate anyway), night life and colleagues. It’s like a permanent solar eclipse that blocks out everything that use to be touched by the sun. You’ll be out of touch and start to adopt quirky behaviors like, inclination to spot brown stuff lying around the house, or whiffing around for troubles. You’ll be sensitive to the sight of strangers, and you’ll be constantly looking for discounts in pharmacies (don’t ask me why). Staying at home is now the new joy, going out becomes the peril. There’s no recovery, your life will be permanently changed.
How to prepare for this: Fuck man, this can’t be helped.


I think I should stop…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

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