September 2, 2015


Many common things that we see every day, remind me of how moronic the world has become. Amongst them, diet soda. That’s carbonated soft drink with less or synthetic sugar that’s supposed to be healthier or something. We also have vege-burger – burgers made of soy or some shit like that. And then there’s decaffeinated coffee. Coffee without caffeine. Let’s not even talk about those indie stuff like alcohol-free beer… and many more.

Lately, there’s this thing called e-cigarette (or better known as, vape) that takes the whole moronic cake, all by itself. People now, so to say, have a healthier option of puffing a ‘cigarette’ – by vaping (puffing e-cigarette). Just like those stupid diet coke or decaf coffee or alcohol free beer. They have a healthier option of a bad thing. Can you fucking believe that? That’s dumber than an animal spa and all those diet shit combined. The main argument I’d always throw is – if health’s your main concern, why don’t you just fucking quit smoking altogether?? Oh that’s right, smoking makes one look cool. My bad.

I don’t entirely know how that fucking vape works, but it does have smoke… though not from an actual fire. It produces this fake synthetic smoke that smells like the kind of enigmatic techno-smog emitted from the smoke machine in discotheques back in the 90’s. It’s powered by a rechargeable battery, and it looks like a cross between a Tektronix oscilloscope active probe and a vibrator. Some look small/plain, some has LEDs on them (depending on models/makes) and some even have colored 7 segment display to pimp up the look (numbers indicating the douchebaggery level perhaps? LOL). The puffer just need to add a canister of ‘flavor’, like fruits… flowers… seafood… it’s pretty gay really (with added variable % of chemical nicotine, the addictive ingredient inside a typical cigarette) and puff away the fake smoke. People claim that it has like, 99% less harmful elements that a fucking cigarette has – hence the ‘healthier choice’. Depending on models, a vaping device can be expensive from a few hundred bucks to the price of a third world child’s kidney.

The thing is, this vape device doesn’t even look cool. I mean, come on, LEDs and shit? That’s stupid. Part of the charm of smoking, has always being able to flick the ash and litter the butts. The glowing hot ember of its burning tip, can be used to torch a house, or torture-burn a prisoner (depending on your cool angle). The lighter to light a cigarette can be an art as well (see Zippo, etc). Ask yourself, how many movies have featured the hero with an awesome flip lighter and an explosion afterwards? The form of the cigarette smoke wafting in the air is tranquil and almost poetic (not as thick and coarse as a vape smoke – which looks more like steam than smoke). Film noir wouldn’t look as fabulous without cigarettes. It has been sung in songs by modern bards, and drawn in masterpieces by skillful artists. It’s the tobacco, tar, nicotine and carcinogen that gives it the distinct character of badassery. You get banned from public places, you get cancer in your blackened lungs and your goddamn throat / halitosis mouth. But that’s part of the package and that’s what make it so special. (I’m a non-smoker and never was, but I totally get it).

Now why would anyone think that puffing on an electronically produced smoke would be any better, or for that matter, healthier, than a fucking cigarette? Escapes me. Either you’re a smoker (courting danger/risk, badass reputation, cancerous) or you’re not (dan lain-lain). If you’re a vaper, you’re just a poser. Fake. Wannabe. Hippy. Pussy. And you’re nothing.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 

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