Archive for March, 2015

March 31, 2015

online delivery

Spotted this poster in Facebook. Noticed anything wrong?

kfc

Still couldn’t see it? (you suck)

It’s the phrase ‘online delivery’.

Just how the fuck do they do that, actually? Online delivery. They send fried chickens to their customers as a fucking email attachment??
That must be hell of a technological breakthrough! I can order myself some tits! (I mean, why chickens if you can really send something physical through the world wide web?)

I bet they meant ‘online ordering’. You order your food online, and they deliver your order to you physically.

michaelooi  | snippets  | Comments Off
March 16, 2015

the middle states

I’ve heard from around that Penang drivers are the worst in Peninsular Malaysia. While I agree that the general population of Penang aren’t exactly good drivers, but I think they are still far from the ‘worst’, if one wants to start this stereotype shit.

In my arrogant opinion, the worst has to be those from the ‘middle states’, you know, ‘W’ or ‘B’ plates (KL, Selangor). Why? Everyone knows the fuck why. Middle state drivers consistently suck ass. You randomly grab any Penang driver, the guy’s just a loser who does random acts of annoyance like drive too slow, late indicators, pfffft, just being annoying. But if you were to grab a driver from a ‘W’ or ‘B’ plates, you’d see a disturbing pattern of dangerous habits that endangers the public – like :

Overtaking in emergency lanes.
Favorite past-time in traffic jam for these middle-state degenerates. If you’re in a traffic congestion, you’re bound to see a constant stream of ‘W’ or ‘B’ plated drivers overtaking in high speed on the emergency lane like they’re paid to do so. They’d then shove into the main traffic at the end of the lane – rendering the congestion even worse. It’s inconsiderate, and downright fucking dangerous. On and off you’ll read in the papers about these morons plow into a stationary truck and die, but that happens almost not often enough to deter these motherfuckers from getting themselves bagged and inconvenience others.

Illegal U-turn.
For some strange reasons, the ‘W’ and ‘B’ plated drivers aren’t very good with their memory, as they can’t seem to be able to remember routes and shit. I’d credit that to the evolution at KL – the city council of KL changes the traffic routes so often, that the dwellers there developed what I would call a ‘memory atrophy’, you know, the special part in your brain that memorizes traffic routes and stuff? It got 86-ed from gross under utilization. Because of that, they get lost all the time and always have the compelling need to perform illegal u-turns. Any empty space to the opposite traffic can become their illegal u-turn spot. God knows how many strays or people have been killed from the spontaneous illegal u-turns by a ‘W’ or ‘B’ plated fuckwad.

Speeding in a parking lot, residential area.
They’d speed like it’s a sin to slow down in these areas. I credit to the same biological mutation that made them forgetful, the constant need to find a parking space pronto also made them paranoid about not managing to get a parking spot just because they’re a few seconds too late. Ergo, the compelling need to speed through speedbumps and shit to get from A to B. If they encounter a slower driver in the way, they’d go to the opposite traffic and overtake (in the parking lot or residential area). There’s little room to be considerate because a parking lot to them means life or death (or the 3rd option, double park – see below).

Double parking (more of an annoyance than being dangerous).
They do it all the fucking time. Reason? No reasons needed. But my best guess is years of practice on being a too of a sore miser from paying a parking fee skewed their mental capacity (in a biological, unfixable way) to think rationally. Or simply the reason above – biological mutation. So, when they want to go somewhere, they’d double park the shit out of everyone like they’re entitled to leave their car anywhere they like in their own bubble of reasoning. I’ve once seen a ‘W’ plate that even double parked in front of an empty spot! Can you fucking believe that? People would usually respond to that with constant honkings to the double-parking asshole that would never come, me, I’d simply key his shit and go for a cup of tea (Oh yeah I key people’s shit all the time).

etc…

Few of the many habits of the middle state drivers. Can’t possibly list them all. They’re probably the ones that made up stories like how Penang drivers are the suckiest of the bunch, perhaps to make up the they time they lost in traffic everyday in the middle states, and salvage what is left of their self esteem.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
March 3, 2015

computing power for retarded cause

Everyone must have read the trivia about how smartphones today have a few x’s computing power than those they used to send some rockets to the goddamn moon, or some shit like that.

Aaaaaand… with so much computing power on our hands (literally), we could have invented teleportation or discovered a cure for bigfoot… but, no. What do we do with them? Fucking selfies. Just like that girl I saw in Sushi King.

She must be about 15 years young, was there with a mom and a little turd whom I presumed must be her brother. I started to notice her by accident, because I thought she was smiling at me through my peripheral vision and thought she wanted the D (a twisted assumption, but it was unintentional). But it turned out that she was actually looking at her phone and doing some retarded selfies.

Her mom and bro were whacking away the food, but she’d continue to camwhore with several hundreds of angles of different impressions of brain damage effects through her whorish facial expression. She’d tilt her head, grimace with different surface area of teeth / no teeth showing, there was once she even flopped her hair down ala The Ring ghost, totally oblivious to anyone who’d gawk at her. When she was done with all that she had to do, she toggled back to the real world with her mom/bro, with an expression of a typically teenage annoyed-somebody-has-fucked-my-shit-sulky-look – and that was her real face. I was peeking at her bizarre shit antics and was secretly hoping that her hair would get caught on the moving Sushi King conveyor belt and scalped her bald or something. I’d have then sailed across the aisle to lend a helping kick by administering a few stomps to her face.

I couldn’t help but felt bad for her mom or bro, but I could see that they were too indifferent to give any crap about her, and they chose mind the food instead, as if there’s nothing wrong with her or she’s not fucking there. Come think of it, they’re probably inured to everything there is about her, just like how people chose to turn a blind eye to the fact that their pet dogs eat their own excrement and pretend that they’re clean animals, out of sheer love.

And I then looked at my young daughter… what’d I do if she turns to be like that? I’d still love her unconditionally, no shit. I’d definitely be embarrassed, and there’s not a single shit I can do about to prevent that, but to only hope that this senseless fad will die soon, just like those thick shoulder pads of the 80’s and green faded tattoo eyebrows of the 90’s… (and the society will move on to something less fucked up).

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off