Archive for October, 2014

October 28, 2014

advantage of having deep pockets

Having deep pockets in your pants can be awesome.

1) You can easily keep your oversized phone or undersized tablet without bending it like that faggoty iPhone 6 ++.

2) Your coins can be easily slipped in, but harder to get out. Which is a good thing.

3) You can easily adjust your balls with your hand(s) in the deep pocket(s) without looking conspicuously like a perv.

4) Your partner(s) can use her hand(s) to cup your balls in the deep pocket(s) without looking conspicuously like a perv.

5) If you’re a tennis player, you can keep not just one, but two (or even three) tennis balls in one pocket. That means saving an extra trip to the bench.

6) If the pocket is really deep (like realllly), you can extend your hand(s) in the deep pocket(s) to scratch your taint/sphincter/other locations.

7) You can hide a small bottle of booze in the deep pocket for your boring lecture/seminar/meeting without looking conspicuously like a slob.

8) On a cold day, it can be a great place to warm your hands.

9) Or you can let your (attractive) female colleagues to warm their hands if they don’t have a deep pocket! *smile*

10) You can conceal a mystery surprise in the deep pocket (use your imagination!) and ask your (attractive) female colleagues to feel out the surprise!

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
October 13, 2014

what to look out when buying an apartment/condo – part 2

this is an addition to what I’ve already written in the previous list…what to look out when buying an apartment/condo

Several visits to a few friends’ new homes gave me a few additional small-but-crucial realizations on what a prospective urban dwelling buyer should look for before buying an apartment/condo…

Natural gas.
We need 2 things to survive – water and food. Water needs to be boiled and your food cooked. How do we do that? The cheapest (and most common) way is ‘Natural gas’. We (most of us) are needless to say, fucking dependent on natural gas. Unfortunately enough, we Malaysians do not have gas supply pipelines whooped into our homes. You all fucking know that. If you’re the kitchen guy, you should know that getting your gas supply means someone has to call up some gas guy to deliver those gas cylinders into the fucking house. It is a finite but replenishable supply, just like sugar. But hear this, not every place is in coverage by the gas guy (just like how not every place is covered by Domino’s – it’s about the location/cost). So what do you do? I guess you have to find out yourself if your new apartment/condo is in coverage. Scout around for a grocery store, or ask the neighbors. If it’s not in the coverage, then you’re in for a tough time to decide whether you fancy of having to haul ass to pick up a 14kg gas cylinder into your car and drag it up to your pad. On most days, I’d be pissed to haul ass to buy myself a pack of lunch, let alone lug a 14kg rusty gas cylinder. So it is entirely up to you…

Cell reception.
Ever encountered a colleague who can never be contacted after office hour? Odds are high that the colleague must be working double as a prostitute at night, or he/she has zero cell coverage in his home. Happens all the fucking time. Malaysia is striving to be a developed nation but believe it, there are still urban (nevermind non-urban) places with zero cell coverage (carrier dependent). Do you know how fucking annoying it is to have zero cell coverage? Just pull out your SIM card for a month, you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll have to have a landline to be in the civilization, else you’d not be contactable except through data messengers like ‘Whatsapp’ or ‘WeChat’ (provided you have a data plan… or an internet, see more points below for potential problems). This used to be a non-issue about 30 odd years ago, but having cell coverage in your area is as important as having water supply and electricity these days. So, take note of that kemosabe. Just bring several friends with different cell network carriers to the prospective place, and check for cell coverage. You’d be glad that you checked. (fyi, my current home has zero Digi coverage. Thank god I don’t use Digi, it is a fucked up network anyway with equally gay name).

Data reception.
Albeit not as critical as cell coverage, depending on your age and needs, data reception could be a showstopper too. Again, this could be network carrier dependent. Imagine having an ‘Edge’ reception or worse, zero data coverage for your smartphone all the fucking time. You’d be deprived of your rights to Tweet, Facebook in the loo, send up-to-date selfies of you and your dog in compromising positions, to WhatsApp, to solicit for Vietnamese whores on-the-go in WeChat, et al. For me, it’s just being annoying. I mean, I’d get pissed when I have poor data connection at some restaurant. I cannot imagine having a poor data connection all the time at home. It’ll definitely ruin my shit all day having to depend on the stupid wifi over the broadband (which sometimes itself, is not dependable). So, what the fuck? You guys shouldn’t put up with this shit. Check for data reception in the area before you buy the apartment/condo. Get a few friends with data from different carriers to check it out.

Internet access.
If you have zero internet access, you’re needless to say, in the wrong place to exist on this planet. Connectivity is life now. Porns, webcams, torrents, boy you’re going to miss so much life in your existence. In no way you should consider a place with ZERO means to get online. But hear this, there are places that are tricky as shit – they DO HAVE internet access, but limited to low speeeeeeed only. Don’t believe me? Ask my colleague Ernest – whose house only fucking has 1MB broadband connection. He has the dough, and wanted to upgrade to more than 1MB, but the ISP won’t do it for him. The reason? The copper lines in his housing area is as old as shit, and they won’t support anything more than 1MB. And even that 1MB is a placeholder, most of the time he’d get a dialup speed for whatever fuck he manages to load on his screen. Of course he bitched about it, but there’s very little the ISP could do for him. Having no internet is fine (at least you could just wean the whole thing off your life, shave your head and meditate), but having a slow internet is like a girl teasing you with a half boob and tonnes of lap dances, with no action allowed. It’s the saddest thing ever. Just give a ring to the local ISP to check before you sign your name on the S&P for that apartment you’re looking at, you won’t regret it.

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I’ll list more when I could think of some… (here)

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off