Archive for June, 2014

June 9, 2014

Penang tourist traps

I don’t fucking understand why you foreigners and outstation rustic bumpkins like to flock to the same few stupid tourist traps in Penang. More often than not (especially during long weekends or school holidays) those few places get unusually congested with people/traffic, and turn the whole Penang into a massive nightmare.

Why can’t you people do a little bit more research before coming here? It’s a digital age for fuck’s sake, getting information should be as easy as scratching your taint!

Here are some of the most popular tourist traps in Penang that people unknowingly walk into, and some suggestions where to go instead…

Penang Hill
I’ve blogged about it before. It’s a massive shithole. Why go there? There’s nothing there. The air there is not any fresher and everything on the hill is frigging expensive. If you’re going there for the view, you’d get a better view when you’re on the plane, trust me. The tram ride up there is congested with people like you and often breaks down. So, why bother wasting your time going to Penang Hill?
Where you should go instead:
Do you guys fucking know that Penang has a ‘National Park’ at the north side of the island? It’s called Penang National Park [duh!]. If nature’s your kind of shit, you should go for a hike there. You’d get acquainted with the local leeches, macaques, snakes and whatnots there. There’s a lighthouse there for you to do some one of a kind selfie, and a couple of beaches for you to relax on at the end of your short hike. If adventuring or climbing in the greens is your kind of dope, just go to Escape Adventureplay Theme Park – which I’ve blogged about here. If you do not fancy a hike or eking any energy out of yourself but just need some trees to get your shit together, you can opt to go to Penang’s Botanical Gardens. You’d get to see the local girls jogging there, on top of the faunas I mentioned earlier. The air is definitely fresh, and the most important of all, they’re fucking free. No traps.

Gurney Drive
For some strange fucking reasons, Penang’s Gurney Drive attracts tourists like a carcass to common houseflies. It’s just a promenade too congested to be enjoyable. The sea is now filled with so much sediment, mud and garbage, that I’m surprised that it isn’t gazetted as a sanctuary for salt water lizards, mudskippers and ultra chemical resistant rats. The food here is expensive, and the traffic here is stroke inducing. Why would anyone want to come here? Escapes me.
Where you should go instead:
Penang has at least a dozen other (better) promenades, I bet not many of you shitfucks know that. There’s an old one called ‘the Esplanade‘, near the jetty. It’s not as flashy, but at least it still has the nice sea view, minus the traffic. There’s one at Straits Quay, which is for pedestrians only, and you can have beers al fresco while enjoying the sea breeze (if you’re really creative, you can even have beer while cycling there). There’s another one in front of Queensbay Mall too, which has a proper cycling track, and stalls selling food and kites (lots of annoying people though, but better than Gurney). What’s special about this place, is that it offers the view of BOTH Penang’s longest bridges. If calm is all you seek (no traffic, not much people) and you needed a peaceful environment to jack off or deep thinking, there’s one under the first Penang Bridge, one near Jerejak Jetty, and another one near Jelutong (recently given a name ‘Persiaran Karpal Singh’). There are a couple of private ones near Tanjung Bungah, but they’re not open to public.

Kek Lok Si
Kek Lok Si is originally intended as a place of worship, but it reeks of tourist trap now. Everything in there is expensive, and revolves around parting your money from your wallet. There are even gossips that the monks there are raking in millions and are driving around in posh cars. Thanks to your contribution. Instead of living modestly and preaching humility to the people, the ‘monks’ are now leading a rock star lifestyle. They are charging a premium for a niche for the dead, keep building ostentatious ‘wonders’ near the surrounding hill that flaunts the might and riches of their religious faith… If you’re into expensive plastic beads and scriptures, then there’s nothing more I can say – go there already.
Where you should go instead:
If your faith is strong, and you want to pray, go to a real temple. One of the oldest temple in Penang is the Goddess Of Mercy temple at Pitt Street (now known as Jalan Masjid Kapitan Keling). The place look mostly as it was since it was built more than a century ago. Another unique temple would be Seng Hong Beow, near Katz Street. There, you’d see some deities being worshiped with pure opium (those black stuff on their mouth) and alcohol. Might be spooky if you’re a first timer, but this place screams one of a kind photography opportunity. If you’re fascinated with Chinese architecture, then there’s a whole bunch of them around Georgetown which you can enjoy – some free, some with a little bit of fee. There’s the famous Cheong Fatt Tze mansion, then there’s another one that is teeming with opulence owned by an ugly Kapitan called the Pinang Peranakan Mansion. Then there’s of course, Khoo Kongsi, the place where they filmed the movie Hidden Dragon Tiger’s Crotch (or something like that). There are a lot more around Georgetown, just walk around. Any of them is better than Kek Lok Si. (there are multitudes of places of worship around Penang, of various faith. Just search around).

Occupy Beach Street
Every Sunday morning, Beach Street will be closed to traffic to make way for a carnival called ‘Occupy Beach Street’. I wasn’t quite sure what the whole thing is all about until I saw people started to post pictures of them doing retarded selfies there, and that was when I thought of visiting the place/event/whatever. It was a tourist trap. It’s actually a flea market, selling merchandise with jacked up price which you could have gotten anywhere else at a fraction of the price. The flea market is about, 150 meters long (that’s like comparing an amoeba to a megalodon in the scale of actual flea markets)… but the crowd is usually about the size that could occupy 4 – 5 times the capacity of that carnival. You’d also see some annoying youngsters showing off their skating/skateboarding skills, as if Penang’s lack of the space they could use (hey, it’s all about the attention) and people cycling around like morons there. It’s so over-hyped that it’s borderlining retardation. I lasted only 10 minutes there and I had to fucking bail because I couldn’t stand the whole bullshit.
Where you should go instead:
If you have a Sunday morning to kill for buying bargain stuffs, there are a lot of places you could go. Penang has a lot of markets selling a lot of surprises, like Penang Bazar (or more popularly known as Chowrasta – selling food, souvenirs, clothes, shoes)… or the Balik Pulau town / market (food, durian, shrunken human heads… kidding), or Air Itam market (food, clothes), or Lorong Kulit flea market (real kosher flea market, this one).

Batu Feringghi
Penang’s famous tourist belt – Batu Feringghi. It has long stretches of beaches and a lot of luxury hotels. People like Batu Feringghi because it’s the only place they think they could go for beaches. And naturally, the place turned into a shithole eons ago with so many tourists visiting. Instead of just beaches, now you get dirty beaches, some add ons like paragliding (not sure if that’s the right term, the one on parachute towed by a speedboat), jetskiing, banana boat-ride, horse riding (horse poo and pee all over the beach!) – all for some exorbitant fee. It’s so severe, that the government has to think of controlling the license to operate such activities!
Where you should go instead:
Penang is a fucking island, and it has beaches all around it, why flock to Bt. Feringghi only? Check the fucking map bitch please, north south east and west. We have a whole stretch of beaches along millionaire’s row (if you know where to find it), Tg Tokong and Tg Bungah. We have the Teluk Bahang Beach right after Bt. Feringghi. We have a few beaches at the Penang National Park – Kerachut beach, Monkey beach, Ketapang Bay beach, Aling Bay beach, Teluk Kampi beach, Pantai Mas beach. Then at almost the south west, we have Pasir Panjang beach. Then at the south, we have beaches at Gertak Sanggul, Teluk Kumbar, Sg. Batu. We have more at other areas out of the island as well – all the surrounding islands (Jerejak, Rimau, Aman, et al). So why only settle at Feringghi beach? Why so fucking sohai?

Graffiti around georgetown (semi trap)
When it first started, it surely is something to be reckoned of. The heritage trail around Georgetown has a lot of Ernest SomethingSomething’s art adorning (otherwise) boring and older than shit brick walls. It was alright at first, because people admiring the walls walked or cycled around. But it has now turned into an annoying obsession. We have tour buses stopping on narrow streets and inconsiderate schmucks posing in the middle of a busy road taking selfies. This spells traffic congestion and in some cases, safety issues. It’s not yet a trap now, but is fast turning into a trap.
Where you should go instead:
The essence of Penang lies not on graffiti arts nor the pictures on its old walls. Penang has a lot to offer in terms of diversity, food and its uniqueness. Instead of endangering yourself posing in the middle of the road, try to go round the island on your car / bike. Or you can hail a taxi for that (expensive option). Everyone in Penang has done it, and its fun. Imagine a road trip that will never get you lost (it’s a fucking island, remember?)… and you’d stop at wherever that piques your interest, be it for food, shopping or a photography opportunity. You can never do that in KL, or Ipoh, or anywhere in Malaysia for that matter. This is the most awesome island in the Peninsula, savor it.

Any shopping mall
If you come to Penang with the sole purpose of shopping at one of its malls, then you’re here for all the wrong reasons. Shopping in a mall has never been a strong point in Penang’s portfolio. It’s like going to Singapore for mountaineering. It’s retarded to come to Penang to shop at a mall. Sure, we have nice malls, and equally annoying people inside them, but the malls are always a few tools short of a toolbox. If you’ve been to shop at Singapore or KL or Hong Kong, then you surely won’t miss a thing here at any of Penang’s mall.
Where you should go instead:
If all you wanted is to shop at a mall, go to KL or Singapore instead. Don’t fucking come to Penang you stupid cocksucking piece of shit.

Will add more when I can think of some…

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June 1, 2014

‘fuck your mother’

‘Fuck your mother’ was an insult very popular among the Chinese. Not to be taken literally that one has taken carnal interest in your mother, but it is meant to be as offensive as an insult could be, because in the Chinese culture, mothers are held in the highest regards and are sacred. So, the insult ‘fuck your mother’ can be said to be the worst that it can ever be, and shouldn’t be used at all unless ‘necessary’.

Anyway, with the advent of technology and breeding of disrespect amongst the young people, the term ‘fuck your mother’ has evolved into a colloquially fun to use phrase. Young people use it to express themselves more often than they actually respect their own mothers. They use it to express disbelief… “Kanninia leh! How could that even happen??” (that was ‘fuck your mother’ in Hokkien). They use it to express anger… “Tiu nia ma chow hai aa! I can’t even access that damn website!” (as if the server has a mother, that was ‘fuck your mother’s stinking cunt’ in Cantonese). Over the decades, the insult has lost its potent, and became as harmless as ‘fuck’ itself… or so I thought.

Apparently in some dialect, as I have learned recently, ‘fuck your mother’ still delivers the kind of blow that it was meant to be. As bizarre as this may sound, if you were to say ‘fuck your mother’ in the Teochew dialect (‘puniabo’), people will get fucking mad at you (but is totally ok if you say it in other dialects/languages, even though they fucking meant the same thing). It’s like saying ‘let’s have lunch’ in English vs Spanish have total different meanings… if you get what I mean.

I discovered this when one of my buddies suddenly stopped talking to me, when I used this ‘puniabo’ term on him. It was used that time to ridicule him for not being able to join us for a boozing session over some trivial matters. It wasn’t meant as an insult, but more like calling him a pussy, you know, as a jest (Hokkien / Cantonese are trite in usage, so I got creative to use Teochew). Little did I know he was deeply offended and was pissed at me. Then I did what I had to do, to apologize to him and found out that he was pissed that I had used the term ‘puniabo’, which is ‘fuck your mother’ in Teochew (or something).

“Sorry dude for using that phrase, I didn’t know it’s offensive” [in that context]
“It’s alright. Don’t use it again. It’s not nice insulting people’s mother”
“Isn’t that the same thing as ‘kaninia’ in Hokkien?”
“No it isn’t”
“It’s still ‘fuck your mother’, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is. But it’s different.”
“Why is it different?”
“Because ‘puniabo’ is offensive. ‘Kaninia’ is not.”
“But both are the same – fuck your mother. Why are they different?”
“Hard to explain, but they’re different.”
“So you’re ok if I say ‘fuck your mother’ in Hokkien?”
“Yes I’m fine with that, but don’t say it in Teochew”
“Ok, fuck your mother”
“Alright”

Strange Chinese culture.

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