Archive for November, 2013

November 18, 2013

fire alarm

Found out from an ex-colleague (a high ranking management guy from Company X) about a messed up fire drill at Company X recently. Apparently, there had been a spate of fire alarm testings at Company X, and that had resulted many employees ignoring the fire alarm during the drill, thinking that it was just another ‘test’. The result? People still sitting in the office not giving a fuck about the drill, and that didn’t go very well with the management.

Well, that isn’t something new for me. When I was with Company X, fire alarm testing was a very common thing. The management would send out email alerts over such ‘tests’ and would ask employees to ignore them. I have no idea on why they have such a compelling screwed up need to test the fire alarm so many fucking times in a quarter, but let’s just say, it has left many employees there apathetic to the sound of fire alarm going off. And that, my friend, is not a good thing because if a real fire were to break out, many people in Company X would fucking die in their cubicles reading emails or tweeting their last moments in office (not that it’s a bad thing ridding the world of such shitbags but, out of humanitarian reasons, let’s assume it is…).

It then hit me like a train – if fire alarms do not work for them, why do they bother using fire alarms then? Why don’t they think of some other ways to make the people beeline to the nearest emergency exit? I recall of a thing called ‘stink bombs’ when I was in my school days. It’s basically a small concoction in a small glass tube, which you throw to break and let out a gas attack that stinks like rotten eggs. The result? People would evacuate the area in matter of seconds. At least it seemed to be working for me everytime.

“Oh shit it’s a stink bomb lets get the fuck outta here!!”

So instead of fire alarms, companies can just install these nozzles that are hooked to this stinky gas concoction – and this stinky gas ‘attack’ would trigger instead of the ineffective alarms. Add a few auxiliary fans to disperse the gas, and the whole place would stink up in a blink of an eye. This would result everyone to fucking sprint to their feet and run like they’ve been chased by the scariest thing imaginable. Lives would be saved and families would rejoice. Sure enough, the stink would remain in the office / clothing for quite a while if this were to be a drill (would be a non-existent problem if it’s a real fire), but that’ll make them even more piss scared next time, and would motivate them to bail out faster. But ultimately, it’s still a petty price to pay for a guaranteed safe working environment, don’t you think? My colleagues laughed at the idea like it’s meant for to be funny and amusing, but I think this shit is seriously efficient, and it’s a patent-able technology that could save many lives… Come think of it, maybe I should quit my job to chase this stink bomb prospect….

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
November 6, 2013

pig

It really bugs me when someone throws a hackneyed insult, and acts like it’s the best thing ever. I am especially referring to the term (which many of you have heard before in forums, blogs et al) – ‘Cina babi’ [sic]. It translates to ‘Chinese pig’ (the correct term should be ‘Babi Cina’). A lot of this come from hateful people who are mostly Malay, who have the propensity to liken someone of Chinese ethnicity to a creature that they averse most – the pig. But little do they know, that the pig, is actually quite an all-rounder useful creature for the Chinese.

You see, when the Chinese pray, having a roasted pig for offering signifies wealth and generosity. When the Chinese celebrate, they have various dishes of pork as food and they share with their guests when they do that – again, that’s to paint an impression of being generous. When a Chinese couple gets married, they send roasted pig(s) as dowry, sometimes they trade the body parts too. The Chinese share their love and care with soup, and most of their soup are boiled fragrant for hours with pork bones. A lot of their idioms, phrases and words lend the word ‘pig’ to form a whole new meaning. Hell, they even have epics and poems dedicated to pigs! A pig grows very quickly, reproduces easily and therefore, offers high meat return ratio per pound of feed given (which, can be recycled from human food waste), which makes it ideal for farming. Pig farmers are often very rich people, and the society hold high regards for this profession. Almost all the parts from a pig can be used, even the hair (as paintbrush, to paint the beautiful art of their mountains and mystical animals). And pardon me for asking in a befuddled state of mind – what is wrong with associating us with pigs? We love pigs! An insult? Come on! It’s just like calling one the food you people love as an insult… like ‘Melayu Belacan’ or ‘Melayu Cincaluk’ or ‘Hindu Poppadom’ or ‘Orang Putih Kentang Goreng’… doesn’t make a lot of sense, right?

You can call me or my friends a pig, but we don’t really feel a thing. The Chinese has been literally thrown with all kinds of insults (even more commonly, their parents…), and they’re kinda biologically inured to it (that’s only because we’re so goddamn ubiquitous – we’re more than 1/5 th of the world population you stupid cheebye, and we have more creative insults invented in all the Chinese dialects than any other language in this world combined). So, nothing can really hurt them/us… except one thing – which I’m going to reveal here. You want to fuck with the Chinese and really screw them up? There’s only one way to do it – Be more successful than that Chinese person, and gloat about it. It’s an open secret that every Chinese knows. They can’t stand a successful smug. They’re going to get butthurt much, no matter how hard they deny it. Don’t believe me? Check what the housewives gossip about during Chinese New Year… there has to be some bitch with a little too much bling that stings them like salt to a big ass canker sore inside their toxic mouth. Or parents comparing their offsprings with someone else’s. It revolves around someone else’s success, and their own failure. Don’t ask a Chinese about it, he/she will of course deny it, for this is a truth. Just exploit this and see for yourself, how a person implodes from the inside, and THAT, my friend, is the Chinese’s Archille’s Heel. NOW, you can insult us properly. (but beware, what doesn’t kill a Chinese, will motivate him/her to be stronger and make a comeback!)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off