Archive for May, 2013

May 29, 2013

super awesome fried rice

Does any of you know how to make a meal of super awesome oriental style fried rice? I bet many of you don’t. Ordinary fried rice maybe, but a super awesome one? Nope. But that may not be the case anymore after you’ve read this tutorial – on how to make a hearty meal for 2 of super awesome oriental style fried rice.

– Steamed rice (duh.) Cook about a cup, or enough for 2 big eaters. Best to leave the cooked rice overnight in the fridge to rid of the moisture.
– Some onions. Get one if it’s as big as your balls. Two if it’s about the size of your nuts. Chop them up in small pieces.
– Some garlic. Get about 5 – 6 cloves. Chop them up in small pieces too.
– Long beans. Chop them up to about a cup (substitute with other shit if you want, like carrots, potatoes, etc).
– Some roasted pork belly (siew yuk). Gotta have some meat in it to give it some character. Fried rice without meat is a sad fried rice. You can substitute with bacon, seafood, other types of meat or any body-parts you can think of, doesn’t matter… just as long as some animals gotta die for it.
– Some ground pepper.
– Some oil. To grease the fucker and give you energy. You can substitute with pork lard, ghee or butter.
– Soy sauce. If you do not know what’s a soy sauce, you should just give up.
– Fish sauce. It looks like this. You can find it in any hypermart near you.
– Oyster sauce. If you do not know what’s an oyster sauce, you should just fucking die.

chopped stuff
The chopped stuff

– OK, now heat up the oil in a frying pan (use the non-stick type, because rice tends to burn/stick on the pan and fuck things up if heat is not regulated to perfection, and we do not want to worry about that. We had enough shit to deal with at work).
– Once oil is heated, toss all the chopped ingredients into the pan (onion, garlic, beans, pork). Fry until fragrant (like, you can smell the stuff real nice).

fry till fragrant
Fry chopped stuff till fragrant

– Sprinkle ground pepper onto the rice, then add the rice into the bunch of hot stuff in the frying pan. Max out the fire and give it a good mix around for about a minute.

rice with stuff
Fry the rice with the fragrant ingredients

– Add about 3 tablespoon full each of these into the mix : oyster sauce, soy sauce, fish sauce. If you’re experienced like me, you can just pour the right amount without measuring. Tablespoons are for amateurs.

add sauce
Sauce added

– Give them a good toss around in that hot pan. Make as much noise as possible while doing that. It gives an impression around that you’re doing some real shit of a good job frying some kick ass rice.
– Do it for about a minute, and if you do not fall too far out of the normal distribution curve, you should be able to make the rice look all warm, nice and brown like in the pic below.
– You can add some eggs if you want, but in my personal opinion, I think eggs in fried rice is just too gay and doesn’t give it a good all around flavor.

add sauce
Presenting the super awesome fried rice

Serve it to your mom on Mother’s Day, instead of bringing her out to eat some other shitfuck’s cooking (and avoiding the traffic/crowd). Then witness her hitting the big O (the same one your dad saw when she’s conceiving you) and cry at the same time.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off
May 9, 2013


Let me ask you a question, people. You go to a multinational company, to a specific department, let’s say, engineering. You meet up with the manager of that department, and in front of him, you tell him this: “I am an awesome engineer. Hire me, give me a chance. I’m going to solve all your problems and make your engineering department the most productive department in the whole company.”.

That’s suppose to be your bid to vie for a position with a handsome paycheck that he wanted to hire for his team.

How do you reckon would the engineering manager react?

a) Ask for your credentials, qualifications, experience and a barrage of questions before asking you to go home and wait for his phone call.
b) Ask you to fuck off.
c) Hire you on the spot.

If you’ve been around looking for jobs, most likely you’ll pick (a), if not (b) – because nowadays, you can’t simply show up to whore yourself and expect people to hire you happily. You apply for a job, and get shortlisted before you can even get to speak to the fucking manager. So, it’s very likely you’d get escorted out by the security if you show up without an invitation..

Anyway, what happens if you do not have a track of records, or the required experience to fit the job? You will not get hired. Well, unless if you’re a hot girl and the manager’s a pervert but that’s beside the point. So what do you do after that? You can try harder. But if you fail for a number of times, circumstances will force you to go for a job with lower requirement, and of lesser importance. Even when you get hired to a job, you’d get a probation period before you’d get a permanent employment with full benefits. If you can’t perform up to the expectation, you’d be booted out. Basics of survival in the working world. Everyone goes through the same shit.

But what about our members of parliaments or state representatives? How do they get their job? For some strange fucking reasons, it doesn’t work that way for them. They get voted into office, and to get shortlisted, they’re nominated by someone you do not know in a political party. You do not know their qualifications. You do not know if they have experience. Hell, you do not know if they’re even fucking fit for the job. All you see, is their names when it is near the election date. You do not get to review a list of qualified applicants vying for the position, or get to shortlist the good ones. All they do, is convince you with words that they’re awesome for the job, and you should totally vote for them. When I wanted to vote, I see 4 – 5 names on the ballot paper, that I do not know. So I had to vote for the political party which I think is the most prospective one. Go figure.

Having said all that, can’t you see what I’m seeing? Isn’t this the same scenario as the example given above about whoring yourself in front of the engineering manager and hope you’d get hired? Sadly, it’s like that in the political world. Politicians whore themselves in front of us with merely words (and accusations). Most of them, have zero track records. Just names. And I’m expected to trust them with blind faith. It doesn’t work that way for me. That, my friend, is my qualm about democracy. It’s flawed.

And what if the person you’ve voted doesn’t win? You’ll have to deal with the nincompoop who got elected (whom you didn’t vote) for the next term and be content with him. !@#$%^&*()

In my world, I’d say, these people should prove themselves first. Much like a probation period. You want to be a wakil rakyat/MP? Do something that makes me happy or meets my needs. Repair some longkang. Patch some potholes. Do some flood mitigation project. Solve the crime problems in the neighborhood. Whatever. Just get a good track of records first. Then the party (or public) will review your performance and decide if you’re good to be shortlisted and subsequently, nominated as a candidate. You’ll be competing with the other assholes who are trying as hard to vie for the position, so it will be all good for the community. It will force you to be on the ground and get dirty with the people. You’ll be forced to gain the trusts through real work, not just some empty talk/promises. If you’re better than the others, you’d be voted into office and appointed as the representative in the state assembly (or parliament). If you fail, well, try harder. That’s what I call a real ‘meritocracy’ – at least in the world according to me.

Because we’re not like that – I reckon – we get all sorts of incompetent shitfucks running the government and equally useless simians populating the opposition parties. Just look at the headlines lately, some MCA / PCM dickheads ranting in the mainstream media that they’re withdrawing all support for the people because they’re not getting enough votes. (It should be the other way round you fucking idiots! People won’t vote for you if you can’t prove yourself useful!) I always like to say, voting for me is like given a choice to eat either a cockroach or a stinking bug. I just have to choose the one I dislike least. Why can’t we be given a choice of choosing someone really good? That’s because we do not have a check and balance for these people. It’s the system that failed us.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
May 8, 2013

dysfunctional family

I went for a lunch at a steamboat restaurant with my daughter and wife the other day, and there was this family of 4 sitting right next to our table. It was the worst lunch we had.

First, let me introduce the terrible family of 4 – the dad was fair porcine guy with thick specs, and the mom was a this short fat fucking bitch who had an ass so huge that it dimpled even her pants. With them, were 2 kids – boy aged about 6, and the girl about 2.

When we reached there, we initially thought we’re going to have a tough time putting up with 2 obnoxious kids next to our table (because, you know, they seem to fit the profile). But we couldn’t have been so wrong. It was the fucked up mother that was the worst. When she first saw us, she started by loudly exclaiming ‘Oh no, I hope the other patrons won’t mind sitting beside us because our table would be so noisy!’. I immediately knew that we’re in some kind of a trap, and avoided eye contact immediately… but my wife being a somewhat friendly person, did a grave mistake of smiling back at her. It was one of the many things she regretted in life.

It started after we sat down. The bitch started her drama by starting to talk to her kids in fake Queen’s English accent loudly – which got both her kids startled, because it was so strange seeing her mother suddenly being such a strange attention whore. When she figured that we weren’t interested, she would spontaneously break into an unprovoked cackle, and prod her husband for a reassuring response. Then she’d again look at us if we’re reacting in any way. At that time, Emily and I started to get really scared, and we were trying not to move too much – just like what people say about feigning dead when you’re near a rampaging bear. Regine on the other hand, was all pale and quiet because she was so fucking scared that the bitch might charge at us with a fork or something.

The wacko fat bitch would go on babbling non-stop loudly (her peripheral vision all the while trying to catch us paying her the attention she vied for), sometimes she’d yell at her kids for no reason at all and if not that, she’d suddenly preach them about science, tell them about English grammar and some other shit that didn’t fit in a restaurant. The husband would laugh retardedly at every single thing she said. The daughter would cry on and off (probably scared at her mad mother) and the boy would just behave like a spoilt fuck like dumping the utensils on the floor, and saucers into the pot of steamboat (because her mother’s nuts).

I was both scared and mad at the same time. The right thing to do, would have been to usher my wife and kid out of the view, before I shove the scorching hot electric steamboat up her dimpled ass and beat her to pulp with a ladle. Then I’m going to cook her kids and husband. But that could only remain a black and white thoughts of fantasy because we’re living a society that practices courtesy and we’re bound by the penal system. I wish I could do something about it but I couldn’t. So, I just hoovered my food with a straight face until the dysfunctional family finally left and only then we managed to properly eat our lunch in peace.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off