Does any of you know how to make a meal of super awesome oriental style fried rice? I bet many of you don’t. Ordinary fried rice maybe, but a super awesome one? Nope. But that may not be the case anymore after you’ve read this tutorial – on how to make a hearty meal for 2 of super awesome oriental style fried rice.
– Steamed rice (duh.) Cook about a cup, or enough for 2 big eaters. Best to leave the cooked rice overnight in the fridge to rid of the moisture.
– Some onions. Get one if it’s as big as your balls. Two if it’s about the size of your nuts. Chop them up in small pieces.
– Some garlic. Get about 5 – 6 cloves. Chop them up in small pieces too.
– Long beans. Chop them up to about a cup (substitute with other shit if you want, like carrots, potatoes, etc).
– Some roasted pork belly (siew yuk). Gotta have some meat in it to give it some character. Fried rice without meat is a sad fried rice. You can substitute with bacon, seafood, other types of meat or any body-parts you can think of, doesn’t matter… just as long as some animals gotta die for it.
– Some ground pepper.
– Some oil. To grease the fucker and give you energy. You can substitute with pork lard, ghee or butter.
– Soy sauce. If you do not know what’s a soy sauce, you should just give up.
– Fish sauce. It looks like this. You can find it in any hypermart near you.
– Oyster sauce. If you do not know what’s an oyster sauce, you should just fucking die.
The chopped stuff
– OK, now heat up the oil in a frying pan (use the non-stick type, because rice tends to burn/stick on the pan and fuck things up if heat is not regulated to perfection, and we do not want to worry about that. We had enough shit to deal with at work).
– Once oil is heated, toss all the chopped ingredients into the pan (onion, garlic, beans, pork). Fry until fragrant (like, you can smell the stuff real nice).
Fry chopped stuff till fragrant
– Sprinkle ground pepper onto the rice, then add the rice into the bunch of hot stuff in the frying pan. Max out the fire and give it a good mix around for about a minute.
Fry the rice with the fragrant ingredients
– Add about 3 tablespoon full each of these into the mix : oyster sauce, soy sauce, fish sauce. If you’re experienced like me, you can just pour the right amount without measuring. Tablespoons are for amateurs.
– Give them a good toss around in that hot pan. Make as much noise as possible while doing that. It gives an impression around that you’re doing some real shit of a good job frying some kick ass rice.
– Do it for about a minute, and if you do not fall too far out of the normal distribution curve, you should be able to make the rice look all warm, nice and brown like in the pic below.
– You can add some eggs if you want, but in my personal opinion, I think eggs in fried rice is just too gay and doesn’t give it a good all around flavor.
Presenting the super awesome fried rice
Serve it to your mom on Mother’s Day, instead of bringing her out to eat some other shitfuck’s cooking (and avoiding the traffic/crowd). Then witness her hitting the big O (the same one your dad saw when she’s conceiving you) and cry at the same time.