Archive for June, 2012

June 19, 2012


I attended the ‘new hire orientation’ at Company T yesterday. For those of you who have not worked before, it is basically a program to brainwash new hires (en masse) into docile working class zombies so that they’re easier to be manipulated and taken advantage of. Think of it like how Father Merrin chant the words of God to quell the evil that has taken residence inside Linda Blair in The Exorcist. To format her off the corruption and back to become a person again.

It was quite a huge turnout yesterday. About 40 – 50 pax. Most of them were young individuals who took this as their first ever job. Due to the size of the crowd, the class was thus divided into smaller groups of about 6 – 7 pax, and in the group that I was in, no surprise, I was the oldest there. In fact, fuck, I think I might even be the oldest in the whole fucking orientation! But that’s beside the point, and not really important.

Anyway, after a few not-so-subtle introductions to the company culture and a few feel good perk-ups by the instructor, we were given a task to get to know the team members in the group. The objective was to give us a feel of how important networking is (it’s silly really). In the exercise, each of us was given a piece of paper with little boxes labelled with some common traits like ‘log in to facebook everyday’, ‘likes spicy food’, et al. The participants were then asked to go around and fill in the names of anyone they came across who fits traits, into the corresponding boxes (thus the concept of ‘networking’ – told you it’s silly).

Then something funny happened in my group. There was this girl, who has a set of buckteeth that looked like those metal fenders on a steam operated locomotive in the 19th century, got confused when I remarked on one of the traits labeled as ‘is a bachelor’. I said to the group “I take it that, you’re all bachelors except me?”. The guys nodded, but buckteeth girl looked at me like I had a dick growing out of my face. And in almost a comical fashion, she asked me this – “So if you’re not a bachelor, then what are you?”. That was when the whole group went silent and dumbfucked. I didn’t know how to respond to her question without hurting her feelings, so I feigned a nice smile and said to her in friendliest tone like I was a nice old man – “If I’m not a bachelor, then I must be married lor…”

I don’t know how a person could be so out of frequency by so many bands in this functioning society. She must have thought that word bachelor meant my education level… I wonder what they’ve been teaching the kids nowadays at college. *facepalm*

To those of you who welcomed me to Company T, thank you. May the force be with us.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
June 11, 2012

Company T

So I have left Company Y, and joined a new workplace which I’d call – Company T – from now on. It’s a much bigger MNC, with much more people. It’s a lateral move for me, which means, not much is gained from this move. But then, from my crude assessment, Company T would give me a much better prospect than that Company Y shithole. That’s why I made the call to jump on (but then like, most place would be better than Company Y, really)

But what’s different this time is that I’m departing off my career path to accept this job. It’s like, a totally different ballgame for me. Imagine a porn actor who suddenly switches to become a pimp? Yes, it is that different. Almost all my past experiences might be nulled for this job. That’s why I’m getting a bit nervous about this job.

Anyway, apart from that, the move is a big culture shock for me as well. Company T, being a massive corporation, is very anal about its employees being role models. The day that I joined, the manager kept reminding me (like it is the utmost important thing ever, more important than showing up at work…) not to violate any traffic rules in the company compound/carpark – which if I do, will prompt a series of stern disciplinary actions which I suspect involve him getting a colonoscopy treatment with a coconut grinder shaft and a job termination for me.

So I took note of that, and noticed that it is quite dire as my manager has projected. Everyone in Company T seems to live by that rule – be a fucking role model or lose your job! It’s like an utopia of traffic in Company T! You know, cars stopping for pedestrians, everyone driving at a pace so safe, that a dog might outrun any motorized vehicle… But alas, this is confined only to Company T compound. Once you get off the very border of Company T, you’d see the employees start to floor the accelerator, weave around the traffic like a madman and start to shove here/there. The role model values end at the security guard gate.

I was thinking, how to make them extend beyond the gate? Then it struck me… maybe the government should change the traffic demerit system by linking it to our workplace? That is, anyone who violates the traffic rules ANYWHERE in this country, will get a severe disciplinary action at work and get a blemish in his/her record (example: Caught speeding at the highway? Get a warning letter at work). That way, people will think twice whenever they’re about to show the assholic side of themselves behind the wheels. If it works in Company T compound, it’ll surely work anywhere.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off