Archive for February, 2012

February 19, 2012

the muffin guy 2

I was looking around at a furniture fair the other day with Emily and Regine at a shopping mall, when I noticed someone staring at me from inside one of the jewelries shop nearby. It was a rotund young bloke behind a counter, with a diagonal comb over covering 30% of his face. He was standing amidst his group of female coworkers and was quick to look away when I started to notice him looking at me. He looked familiar, and I had to crank my aging brain hard where had I seen him before. It didn’t take long for me to remember, that he was the muffin guy – if you remember him. I blogged about this fuck stain four and a half years ago, when he was a teenager manning a muffin counter at a local hypermart. We had a little history of violence back when he was 10. Go read it here.

He must be in his early 20’s by now, and he has become a jewelry sales promoter. Still plump, overly fair in complexion, wearing an undersized long sleeved shirt embossing his muffin top (irony), and a perceived chic but revolting douchebaggy hairstyle. He first looked away and then pretended to be engrossed in a conversation with his female colleagues, probably exchanging tales about their dick sucking experience. I then pulled Emily’s sleeve and asked her to check out ‘the ah kua guy behind the counter’ – which she did and was kinda shocked when I told her ‘it’s the muffin guy’.

“Ohh, he’s so different now!” Emily exclaimed.

No shit sherlock. Used to be a fat kid with a waistline approximately 1 inch below the armpit. He used to look funny to me in a cute way. Now? He looked like he masturbates other guys’ dicks at night, and bluffs middle aged ladies to part with their money on overpriced jewelries during the day time. He sure looked different. And we relived the incident where I probably changed his life by teaching him the meaning of fear and pain with a ruler, which set his academic standards – albeit not very high – back on its inglorious path. His hairspray frenzy mom sure has me to thank for. I changed her son’s fate from being a hobo into an ah kua manning a jewelries counter. Not bad.

I was thinking, maybe I should have given that fucker a few more whacks, he’d probably be a lawyer by now… Oh well.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
February 16, 2012

guys are cruel

Fat Bitch, a feisty office admin whom everyone hates at my office. She has not shown up at work for a few days, which many have noticed due to the sudden change of ambience. A guy technician brought the topic up during lunch,

Technician: “Dude, Fat Bitch left the company is it? Haven’t seen her for a while.”

Me: “I heard she has been hospitalised.”

Technician: “Really? No wonder it is so quiet now. What happened to her?”

Me: “Not sure. But I’d wager she’s having her cervix removed.”

Technician: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “Think a bit. Woman her age, do you think she’s going to get hospitalized for reasons like, broken bones? She fucking sits the whole day in her office and she’s so fat like that.”

Technician: “Hmmm”

Me: “It is also unlikely that she’s going for a maternity, at that age. Thought that still might be a remote possibility, couldn’t really tell whether it was fat or baby in her tummy.”

Technician: “Hmmm”

Me: “She obviously isn’t likely to get a cosmetic surgery either, because it will be a futile attempt at anything. The lipo’s going to break the machine.”

Technician: “I think there could still be other reasons than cervical removal…”

Me: “No I don’t think so, I think her cervix is fucked”

Technician: “Well, what about breast cancer? She’s probably having her tits amputated now…”

Me: “Hmmm, you’re right, that could happen, I missed that out…”

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
February 3, 2012

get your shit together, people

I don’t understand why people are getting so riled up over the recent ‘white envelope’ debacle lately by Ibrahim Katak. As detestable as he can be, I personally do not think Ibrahim Katak meant to insult the Chinese people by giving away money in white envelopes like that. He could have done it by yelling at us absent-mindedly like he always did. 

“Balik China lah you orang!”

I think it was an unintentional mistake. He fucked up big time yes, but not because he wanted to give away ‘pak kum’ (funeral donation) during Chinese New Year, but because he didn’t prepare enough red envelopes, as simple as that. Some losers however, after getting the money, started to nit pick the fella… and began this lame shit smearing campaign to paint this fucker (and whoever that stands in his boat) a real bad light. I mean, come on, there has got to be a better way to do that, right? 

That, really gets me. First of all, ‘pak kum’ isn’t really given in a white envelope. It is commonly given away in cash. In fact, donating ‘pak kum’ is a form of charity (it ensures the grieving people we know could afford a proper burial for their loved ones) and is not a bad thing at all. So to say, there isn’t really a taboo about giving away money in white envelopes. The Chinese people get white envelopes all the time. News about promotion, our EA forms, payslips, vouchers, coupons, etc – they all come in white envelopes. They stirred no shit when they get those white envelopes. But when Ibrahim Katak gives away white envelopes in place of a red one, suddenly it becomes ‘pak kum’… Like, what the fuck?? Then don’t take the white envelope lah! (But they took the ‘pak kum’ still, which is quite ironic… and some of them looked quite elated in the press pictures…)

The same goes with the Gardenia vs. Massimo bread boycott. Some email alleged that we should not eat Gardenia because it belonged to an UMNO guy. And people started to talk about boycotting the brand. That has got to be the dumbest shit ever. I was wondering, do they even think, if the owner could just be a regular business man, who happens to support UMNO? (rather than an UMNO guy operating a bread business?) He could support a school of fish for all I care, and that should not affect my decision to buy his brand of bread. If a person’s creed and background matters to me when I buy something, it would mean that I support racism and being a fucking dumbass at the same time. I buy the bread because I like it. It’s as simple as that. Ibrahim Katak gives away angpow in a wrong color, it’s as simple as that too. See the connection? 

If you don’t, then nevermind.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off