Archive for 2011

April 5, 2011

the shit that people believe…

Just the other day, a relative of mine related about a certain ‘miracle’ product which purportedly would psychologically affect one to become a more positive person. And the product comes in the form of an audio CD – a compilation of various sounds which was to be played during the bedtime.

So in their frantic bid to make their kids smarter, that relative set up a centralized sound system in all their bedrooms, so that they could broadcast the content of the miracle CD at night during their bedtime.

Bad idea.

I was visiting the other day and had to spend a night in one of their guest rooms. Guess what? The weird motherfucking sounds (mixture of whales calling, waves splashing and gaudy gypsy melodies) woke me up no less than a dozen times that night and gave me nightmares! I forgot what I actually dreamed about but, I remember waking up to the sounds thinking some asshole’s cellphone went off and wanted to beat the crap out of that fucker – which ironically, didn’t seem that ‘positive’ to me at all.

The shit that people believe… No wonder there are so many fucked up kids nowadays.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 8 Comments
March 31, 2011

‘bacheratu’

I wrote about a certain person called Nosferatu in Company Y some time ago. The ugly as shit fetishist who gives everyone a hard time. There’s one thing that I forgot to mention about him – he’s a bachelor. Now, if you don’t already know about old people who’s still a bachelor – they’re known to be uber fucked up. If it’s an old bachelor woman, it will be like dealing directly with the devil. But let’s not talk about that.

Nosferatu, the fetishist who’s a bachelor. Just the other day, I was in a brainstorming session in the middle of the production line to solve a complex engineering escalation, the group kinda took a short detour off the topic to brainstorm about what is it that makes Nosferatu so damn fucked up. That was when the topic of him being an old bachelor douche came up. One of his chief engineers then said :

“People like him could never understand the grave situation when our kids are sick.”

True but, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. An old man who’s a bachelor, would have plenty of time to think about how to make things difficult for his employees, whilst people like you and me would be too busy interacting at home with our family to even think proper about what to do next at work. If the bachelor have an old mother living with him, then he’s going to be even worst. He’s going to be psychologically disturbed with all the years of stress-nagging. And the guy’s most likely sexually deprived too. Lack of love. There’s only so much masturbating could do for that fucker and he’s going to take it all out on whoever he chooses to dislike. People like his employees. Lack of love, full of nagging, plenty of time – it’s a concoction of all it takes to make one go loco, if not become a schizo.

I felt compelled to dole out some advice to the engineer, so I did it – “Dude, next time your kid’s sick, just tell him your car had a busted radiator. He probably would be more empathetic to that reason…”

Or just buy him a Vietnamese wife.

michaelooi  | characters  | 2 Comments
March 28, 2011

who the fuck cares?

I’ve had enough of this Anwar Ibrahim shit. I’m sick of seeing/hearing his name and the word ‘sex’ in the same sentence.
I don’t fucking understand why are there so many people so concerned about his private stuff.

Let me ask you this, which one of these would you choose to be your leader?

A) A virtuous vegetarian celibate who has never had a sexual experience before and an ardent supporter of Earth Hour – but totally suck at being a leader…

B) A womanizer who has fucked everything that moved before (except motorized vehicles) – but is totally awesome at being a leader…

I’m not implying that Anwar’s a good leader but I’m just trying to make this point – WHO THE FUCK CARES WHO/WHAT A STINKING POLITICIAN LIKES OR HOW HE LIKES IT?

We’ve heard conflicting accusations about him being gay and now being a whore hound. So what the fuck now? What has that got to do with anything??

Malaysian politics is just fucking sad.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 8 Comments
March 22, 2011

Siapa itu ‘Datuk T’?

Identiti kepada nama yang penuh misteri ini akan terbongkar di MichaelOoi.net…

Nama samar: ‘Datuk T’

Nama sebenar: Laurence Tureaud

Umur: Tak boleh cakap

Tinggi: Kira-kira enam kaki

Berat: Kira-kira seratus botol air oren Mirinda satu liter

Tanam chachar: Tidak pernah

Pekerjaan: Bekas peninju profesional. Sekarang menganggur.

Hobi: Menumbuk anjing, mengumpul barang kemas tiruan, tangkap video lucah orang lain.

Pasukan bola sepak yg paling gemar: Blackburn Rovers

Pelakon wanita yg paling gemar: Papillon Soo Soo, Maria Ozawa, Akira Fubuki, Anna Ohura, Azumi Kawashima, dll.

Pelakon lelaki yg paling gemar: Christopher Walken, Jason Statham, Dwayne Johnson, Aaron Kwok

Makanan yg paling gemar: ‘too boh sui’, koay teow goreng tak mau taugeh, mee segera perisa asam laksa berjenama Cintan.

Minuman yg paling gemar: 932

Pencapaian yang paling cemerlang: Mengalahkan juara dunia Rocky Balboa pada tahun 1982, dan menerima anugerah Darjah Kepangkatan Yang Teramat Tinggi Sekali (DKYTTS) yang membawa gelaran ‘Datuk’ oleh Sultan Sulu untuk pencapaian ini.

Benda yg paling tidak suka: orang tengok rambut dia, jam tangan berjenama Omega kerana ia mengingatkan dia tentang seekor robot yang hodoh dalam rancangan Transformers.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 2 Comments
March 21, 2011

fuck you, me and Earth Hour

Please launch your favorite browser, fire up Google and search for this – ‘Fuck Earth Hour’.

If for some reason you’re too fucked up and unable to do that, check out the screenshot of the result below…

Awesome, isn’t it?

Now who would have thought, that there are so many pathetic dumb fucking asses at this very century, this very maturity, who think that the majestic art of turning shit old dinosaurs into light is a stupid boner? Our ancestors during the cave days would have traded their wives and all their precious animal hides for an hour worth of light without a second thought, and it would have been their ‘light hour’, and they would remember that hour for the rest of their lives.

Earth hour should be aptly renamed as Stupid hour.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 11 Comments