Archive for 2011

August 7, 2011


I went into a meeting the other day with this guy customer… he’s a weirdo. Here’s what he did in a formal meeting:

– chant someone’s name like 2 dozen times just so that his brain could register it into his limited memory.
– skip repeatedly in a frigid pose when cogitating a simple question
– winked at a fellow male colleague (thank god not me) for no reason
– called me Michelle.
– held and stared at an inanimate object (calculator) while muttering something incomprehensible.

What a loco. I was so goddamn freaked out in that meeting. But then, it was still less than the feeling of absolute disappointment because I wanted his job so badly. I mean, at least I know I’m normal when compared to this crazy turd here and I’m light years ahead of what he could do on steroids.

The world is so fucking unfair.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 6 Comments
July 27, 2011

small talk

My 5 year old daughter, Regine: “I’m going to have a daughter when I grow up”

Me: “Why not a son?”

Regine: “Because boys are too naughty.”

Me: “So, what are you going to call your daughter?”

Regine: “Hmmmm…. I’m going to call her ‘Flower’.”

Me: “That’s not a nice name. Can you come up with something else?”

Regine: “Hmmm [lengthy pause], I don’t know… daddy. Can you help?”

Me: “No, she’s your daughter, you come up with the name.”

Regine: “Hmmm [lengthy pause], I’m going to call her ‘Flap’.”

Me: “‘Flap’! Why would you call your daughter ‘Flap’ lah?”

Regine: “Hmmm [lengthy pause], then you’ll have to ask the daddy”

Me: “What?”

Regine: “When I have a baby, the baby’s going to have a daddy. Ask the daddy.”

Me: “Ok.”

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 8 Comments
July 15, 2011

my mother’s passing

My mom left us on 12th July, on a stormy and wet morning. It will be a day I will remember for the rest of my life.

The journey in life with her, had been both bitter and sweet. She wasn’t the best role model, and I didn’t have a great childhood. But her style shaped me who I am today, independent, realist and foul mouthed to the core, and I like being me. And of course, I’m going to miss her greasy and unhealthy food.

Now, all that is left for me to do, is to explain to my child, where is her beloved grandma and why is she not here with us.

That is the most difficult and emotional draining thing for me to do now.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off
July 11, 2011

small town boy

A nephew came to the city the other day with his parents. Small town boy, not very familiar with the pace of the urban society in this part of the country, and going through some cool-with-an-attitude phase of life due to puberty.

He was at the mall with the family on that particular day, and got lost (he’s 13, by the way). I don’t exactly know how it could happen to a 13 fucking year old, but I imagined that it probably happened when he got too engrossed in checking out some skimpy clothed girls at the mall, that he forgot he had a set of parents. By the time he realized that the asses weren’t for his tapping in the real world, it was already too late. Mom and dad were gone and nowhere to be seen.

For you and me, this is nothing but an all too common thing, right? But not for my nephew. To him, that was like missing the last spaceship back to Earth at a planet in another solar system. He got no cell phone on him at that time (which, he conveniently left at his home planet, about 150 million light years away) so, the communication’s nil, but that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was, he didn’t have any identification nor money on him. So naturally, the only thing left for him to do was to FREAK THE FUCK OUT and started to frantically search for his parents, with tears on the verge of pouring out of his eyes (strangely, his hormones wasn’t working all too well at that time… his cool factor dropped a dozen notches almost instantly)

But that little turd was lucky though, because he found his parents soon enough before he started to wail like someone killed his dog. Had he searched his parents at the opposite wing of the mall building, things would have gotten more complicated that would involve some trauma, and embarrassment that would scar him for the rest of his adolescent life. But then, I reckon it would probably do that kid a lot more good if that were to happen. The katak eventually has to know the world outside his tempurung, and this will be a good opportunity.

It’s surprising to me that this guy doesn’t bring his cellphone when he has one. It’s distressing to know that kids nowadays do not see a cellphone as a communication device that could be useful in times of emergency, like this. They see cellphone as a device to check the status of their friends’ Fashion Ville empire or kill time with that tulanjiao game (Angry Birds in Hokkien, learned this from dSaint). Or at least, he should have a few bucks in his pocket, so that he could make a call to his parents’ cellphones! (that is, if he even knows his parents’ numbers). He could have been unlucky that day and got thrown into prison for not having an identification on him (Malaysian law enforcement is known to do that, what more with the recent dumbass Bersih crack down).

That is why my Regine was made to memorize my wife’s cellphone number and our home address at the age of 4 (that was last year). This year, she’s probably going to learn tae-kwon-do. Kids need to be savvy nowadays, and freak-the-fuck-out is not an option. I hope my nephew would be more savvy after this episode. He has to.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 4 Comments
July 9, 2011

telemarketers – eat shit and die

Do you guys know that it is a cardinal sin for telemarketers to send information through any means except the telephone, just because they’re called ‘telemarketers’?

I’ve proven it once. A few days ago, I’ve proven it again.

It was a lady with a thick Indian accent, whom, for reasons unknown to even myself, I imagined to look like that Datuk Ambiga something something (yeah, that Bersih aunty).

Telemarketer: “Hi Mr. Ooi, this is Ambiga calling from X bank. I am here to promote this super awesome insurance that you must buy et al~~”
[not her real name, and not verbatim]

Me: “Errmm, sorry, I have already bought a bunch of insurances.”

Telemarketer: “You really have to listen to this offer I have for you because it is different. This insurance is ~~~”

She started to ejaculate her insurance stuff on the phone, and I didn’t even get a chance to respond. I had to cut her off instead.

Me: “Whoa there, Datuk Ambiga. Look, it’s been a long day in the office, and I’m tired as shit. Anything you say on the phone will not be registered by my brain so, why don’t you email me your wonderful offer with all the notes inside, I’d take a look at it and call you back if I’m interested?”

Telemarketer: “I’ll make it simple enough for you to understand, you just need to give me 3 minutes~~~”

Me: “No I’m sorry. I just can’t. Email me, I’ll take some time to read it through and take a thorough consideration of your offer.”

Telemarketer: “But this is telemarketing, I can’t send you the information through email… just the phone…”

Me: “Well then, it is YOUR LOSS lah! Ok??”

Telemarketer: “Ok ok, bye Mr Ooi”

Fucking telemarketers.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 4 Comments