November 17, 2011

invisible dick

Know what happens when a couch slob sees another bloke with tanned chiseled body taking his shirt off? Or when a flat chested girl next door sees a sex siren with killer curves and bigger cups? Or an alpha sees another with a bigger dick? Most likely, the subject will feel a sharp stab in his/her/its self esteem, and a big part of the subject’s confidence is lost.

Such is the nature of human. Most of us anyway. We’re a bunch of conceited shitfucks whose existence has now evolved into a contest of who-has-a-bigger-dick (not literally but, metaphorically). When parents meet, they’ll talk about how smart their kids are. Or how well off one of his relatives is, who owns a sports car, and let him test drive it. ‘Who has a bigger dick’. Posers and show-offs.

Revolting but if one knows how to play it well, can be turned into an advantage which one can exploit for an ulterior motive. That was what I preached a couple of technicians at work today. I revealed to them about why I have not cut my fucking hair for 4 months. I basically looked like a hair ball right now. My hair is long and I even have a pair of mutton chop side burns overgrown to my jowl. Why? That’s because the 2 jerk off managers I have been dealing with are afflicted with terminal male pattern baldness. Growing that much hair is my way of fucking with them.

The theory is, when a person sees another (or worse, a nemesis) with something they are not gonna get, that person would feel FUCKING BAD about himself. Like these 2 bald managers. I mean, we could be debating in a meeting or something, but chances are, they’re probably distracted with the fact that I, an asshole from their point of view, have a head full of motherfucking hair and that is just so depressing for them. With that, I would have unconsciously took a stab at their self esteem (without even having to do anything, but rake my long thick black hair in a wildly hobo-ish gesture) and would be that likely to win an argument. So far, it has worked great for me. I made them my bitches in all my inter-department altercations so far. 70% intelligence, 30% hair. 100% effectiveness.

Goddamn I’m awesome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

5 Comments to “invisible dick”

  1. Jeebs says:

    damn that’s an awesome idea!

  2. Chrissy says:

    You just made my day.

  3. Simon says:

    “Such is the nature of human.” – No such is your nature. These two managers probably don’t care about their baldness. From an observer’s point of view it sounds like you’ve taken a stab to your self esteem from them. Why this is so I can only guess – maybe they get more money, maybe they have a much better job, much higher position in the company etc.

    And trust me – they really don’t care about your hair especially when you say you look like “a hair ball”. Being bald may be unattractive (depending on how you shape it) but being a hair ball is ALWAYS unattractive so they probably look better than you right now as far as hair goes.

  4. michaelooi says:

    Simon – Maybe you’re just balding, have a bald father/gay-lover, or some hairballs gave you a hard childhood when you’re little. I’m sorry.

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