Archive for October, 2011

October 31, 2011

don’t talk to me at the urinal

There is always a thing that one shouldn’t do in places. Things that causes discomfort or even considered a taboo. Eg. holding a sharp object during an intercourse, or perhaps whipping out your dick in a kindergarten. You get the idea.

In a male lavatory, it has to be talking to the person next to your urinal. Some assholes are like that, you know. They don’t talk much when you see them in a corridor or any other places. But if it’s at the urinal, he strikes a conversation. It’s just so gay.

I don’t know about you people, but for me, relieving myself at the urinal is like taking a really short but deep break from a hectic day at the office. In that fraction of time, my mind would shut off into absolute nothingness (I’d close my eyes when that happens), or just delves itself in fantasies – like what would I wish for if I get a wish… or where would I hit my manager if given a free pass to do that. It’s totally random what my mind does, but it’s deep. It’s so goddamn motherfucking deep, that it would somewhat make the remnants of my day less intolerable.

And then somebody has to talk to you at the urinal. About work. That has nothing to do with you. Fucking hell.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 2 Comments
October 21, 2011

do the v thing

What do most people do when they see an asswipe car parked haphazardly around their own car? They’d usually take a picture and facebook it to shame the perpetrator.

Not my style. Cause that won’t do a thing to the asswipe owner. Too easy for them, I’d say.

Me, I’d usually vandalize the car, and I’d encourage you people to do the same too (just don’t do it in front of your kids). Taking pictures are just gay. It won’t do jackshit except to gain some empathy from your closet gay friends. You must not let them off too easy. They need to learn the hard lesson of not to park like a consummate asshole. They beg to have their cars vandalized, and if we make it a trend, they will deign to give a fuck about parking properly the next time.

Yesterday, a car parked too close to mine. Left just barely a foot’s space for me to get in my car. That was totally uncalled for, because my car was in the lot and there was plenty of space left on the other side. I had to squeeze myself in, nearly busted my own balls doing that. But of course, the owner had to pay for causing me such a pain, I made sure of that. I fucking ripped its side mirror off with my bare hands. Luckily, there wasn’t any scratch or dent on my car. Had there been one, I would have ripped both its mirrors off, and made all his 4 tires prematurely expired. Maybe even a windscreen job.

An ex-neighbor also once had the same thing from me. Remember the asshole who put a note on my mom’s car? The next few months following the incident, I did some Mythbuster shit on his car. I debunked some myth on various claims of chemicals that would affect the paintjob and his car came in quite handy. Eg. I found out that Rain-X won’t actually cause blisters, but just mild discoloration – I tested it on his car. And oh, it won’t spoil the rubber too. Though he didn’t quite recover from being an asshole from the unfortunate events that had befallen on his car, it was fun for me while it lasted. He moved away last year and I lost my experiments.

Anyway, the point is, don’t just do nothing when people double park you or left your car some dents. Give those assholes something in return. Vandalize their car.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 6 Comments
October 16, 2011

gatal

A Malay operator, who had been missing for weeks, came back to work the other day with spotty scars all over her face. Following conversation ensued:

*Note: The following conversation requires understanding of the Malay language. If you don’t, well, go read other blogs.

Me: “You ni kena chicken pox?”

Operator: “Ya, dah tak datang 2 minggu”

Me: “Saya dengar, orang dewasa kalau kena chicken pox tu, teruk. Betul ke?”

Operator: “Teruk jugak. Tengok bintik-bintik ni.” [shows scars on her face]

Me: “Gatal macam gila ke?”

Operator: “Tak lah. Tak gatal.”

Me: “Hmmm pelik. Mungkin you dah memang gatal, pasal tu lah, masa kena chicken pox, you tak rasa apa-apa. Depa cancel out each other.”

Operator: [nganga]

Me: [laughs loudly at her face]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 4 Comments
October 4, 2011

emo and shit

I have this nubile Indon girl working as a Quality Inspector under me, whose daily job – apart from checking for product defects – includes auditing the workplace for petty non-compliances like discipline problems, etc. One of the things included is, not tying one’s long hair up.

So far, she did quite a job catching many workplace operators violating this. But there’s one dumb thing that she always do while performing her audit – she let her long hair hang down herself. That was like, a drunken policeman catching drunk drivers. This of course, rankled some of the operators who felt it was a case of pot calling the kettle black. Recently, things got quite serious when one fat housewife operator decided to threaten her for being such a bitch. She got upset about it and I decided to give her a talk…

[translated from Malay/Indon language]

“Why didn’t you tie your hair up like the rest of the people here?”

“I don’t think it’s necessary, because mine isn’t too long”

It’s a fucking lie. Her hair’s long. In her early 20’s, I reckoned that it must be of grave importance for her to look every bit good, and that’s why she had to let her hair down. She is of ripe age to look for a mate. And from the way I observed about her, she wants to get some lead poisoning in her cooter by those Filipino technicians who handle non-RoHS soldering work everyday. Either that or she’s just plain stupid.

“You see that tomboy’s hair? Now THAT’s short. Yours isn’t short.” [pointed at a nearby tomboy's hairstyle, tomboy smiled back]

“… … …” [silence]

“If you do not want to tie your hair, you need to cut your hair like that tomboy. It will still look good on you.”

“No I don’t want to.”

“Or maybe you can wear a headscarf (tudung), like the Malay girls around here. You won’t have to worry about tying anything.”

“No I don’t want to. It’s boring!” [disgusted]

“Boring? You can add some racing stickers on your headscarf, it won’t be boring lor! I don’t care, and nobody cares!”

I was about to even propose her to tailor-make a tudung with some Angry Birds patterned fabrics (to make it exciting and shit), but she was obviously too upset to continue with the conversation… so I left her alone.

Girls and their fucking emo. I guess I just had a taste of what I have to deal with when my daughter grows up. It’s going to be hell of a ride, I’m sure.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 2 Comments