When someone mentions the animal – ‘rat’, the first picture that comes to mind is usually a timid animal that dwells in a dark filthy alley somewhere sucking shit. But what I saw the other day, did not conform to the impression that of a rat. I saw a rat, yes, but it wasn’t just any normal rat. It’s a wuxia rat.
Now, if you’re not familiar with the term, wuxia is actually a word to describe a genre of fictional realm of Chinese kungfu with supernatural abilities like levitating, flying etc. It’s just like being the Jedis, with the flippings and stuff, but way cooler and is set in the medieval Chinese times. If you’ve watched a lot of swordsmen movies in the 90’s, you should know what I’m talking about.
So, I saw a fucking wuxia rat. I was walking past the pantry at the busiest time of the office hour when it happened. It was as big as a size 11 Reebok sneaker (minus the tail) and it was walloping a pack of koay teow soup (or it could be washing its balls with the soup, I couldn’t really tell) left by one of the obnoxious fat office hag whom I didn’t like very much. I wasn’t scared or anything but, more like, astonished to what it was doing. I mean, it had to be the boldest motherfucking of a rat to be doing some raiding job at the pantry at that hour, not to mention about it being able to get up on that table.
That table must be like, 4 to 5 times the height of it standing up, with a few chairs nearby that were at least twice its height. So how did it get up on that table? It must have been an equivalent to a human leaping 1.5 stories high, just to get to another 1.5 stories above it. I didn’t know rats can do that! I thought that kind of feat can only be achieved by cats! It then noticed me as I got closer, and then WHOOOOOP! It leapt into a gap behind a cabinet nearby, which was located about 6 – 7 feet away from that table. By that time, I was already so damn impressed, that I had to flag a nearby female office clerk to witness the anomaly of nature, who strangely, obliged to my request (hey, wanna see a rat raiding some office aunty’s lunch?).
When we slowly approached the area, the wuxia rat then made its appearance again, whipped out its dick and started jacking off. Alright I was kidding. It did jump out, had a one touch on the table, made a Michael Jordan air surf, another one touch on the back of a chair and POOFFFF, it disappeared into a bunch of plastic containers at a communal area near the microwave oven. The supernatural athletic feat by that rat exuded so much awesomeness, that it sent the office clerk immediately up on the office chair and me with a gaping mouth.
I asked the office clerk not to tell the bitch who owned the koay teow soup about the rat teabagging her lunch, but the office clerk had a conscience and told her anyway. It would have been fun to see her discovering that her lunch tasted like rat balls.