Archive for September, 2011

September 29, 2011

wuxia rat

When someone mentions the animal – ‘rat’, the first picture that comes to mind is usually a timid animal that dwells in a dark filthy alley somewhere sucking shit. But what I saw the other day, did not conform to the impression that of a rat. I saw a rat, yes, but it wasn’t just any normal rat. It’s a wuxia rat.

Now, if you’re not familiar with the term, wuxia is actually a word to describe a genre of fictional realm of Chinese kungfu with supernatural abilities like levitating, flying etc. It’s just like being the Jedis, with the flippings and stuff, but way cooler and is set in the medieval Chinese times. If you’ve watched a lot of swordsmen movies in the 90’s, you should know what I’m talking about.

So, I saw a fucking wuxia rat. I was walking past the pantry at the busiest time of the office hour when it happened. It was as big as a size 11 Reebok sneaker (minus the tail) and it was walloping a pack of koay teow soup (or it could be washing its balls with the soup, I couldn’t really tell) left by one of the obnoxious fat office hag whom I didn’t like very much. I wasn’t scared or anything but, more like, astonished to what it was doing. I mean, it had to be the boldest motherfucking of a rat to be doing some raiding job at the pantry at that hour, not to mention about it being able to get up on that table.

That table must be like, 4 to 5 times the height of it standing up, with a few chairs nearby that were at least twice its height. So how did it get up on that table? It must have been an equivalent to a human leaping 1.5 stories high, just to get to another 1.5 stories above it. I didn’t know rats can do that! I thought that kind of feat can only be achieved by cats! It then noticed me as I got closer, and then WHOOOOOP! It leapt into a gap behind a cabinet nearby, which was located about 6 – 7 feet away from that table. By that time, I was already so damn impressed, that I had to flag a nearby female office clerk to witness the anomaly of nature, who strangely, obliged to my request (hey, wanna see a rat raiding some office aunty’s lunch?).

When we slowly approached the area, the wuxia rat then made its appearance again, whipped out its dick and started jacking off. Alright I was kidding. It did jump out, had a one touch on the table, made a Michael Jordan air surf, another one touch on the back of a chair and POOFFFF, it disappeared into a bunch of plastic containers at a communal area near the microwave oven. The supernatural athletic feat by that rat exuded so much awesomeness, that it sent the office clerk immediately up on the office chair and me with a gaping mouth.

I asked the office clerk not to tell the bitch who owned the koay teow soup about the rat teabagging her lunch, but the office clerk had a conscience and told her anyway. It would have been fun to see her discovering that her lunch tasted like rat balls.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 1 Comment
September 27, 2011


It’s been the talk of the town lately in Penang….

GEORGE TOWN: Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak handed over RM15mil to 15 Chinese schools here while praising the Chinese community for its commitment and dedication in educating the next generation of Malaysians.

He said the community’s emphasis on a solid education was admirable and the Federal Government shared the hopes and aspirations of parents wanting a better future for their children.

“I am reminded of a Chinese saying that no matter how poor we are, we will not compromise on education.

“Be it for Chinese, Tamil or religious schools, we can do much more if we join hands,” he said, before handing over RM15mil to 15 Chinese schools in the state during the 1Malaysia Charity Ride for Education 2011 in Tanjong Tokong.

The event was organised by Kwong Wah Yit Poh newspaper and sponsored by 1MDB.

Najib said Mandarin is important in linking Malaysians to the global community.

“If more Malays spoke the language, it would make us more competitive.

“My son recently thanked me for encouraging him to learn Mandarin and that meant a lot.”

The 15 Chinese schools which received RM1mil each are: SMJK Chung Ling Butterworth, SMJK Jit Sin, SMJK Chung Ling, SMJK Heng Ee, SMJK Phor Tay, SMJK Perempuan Cina, SMJK Union, SMJK Convent Dato Keramat, SMJK Chung Hwa Confucian, SMJK Sacred Heart, Chung Ling (Private) High School, Jit Sin Independent High School, Penang Chinese Girls High School (Private), Phor Tay (Private) High School and Han Chiang High School.

In his speech, Kwong Wah chairman and businessman Datuk Ong Gim Huat said Najib had “created a buzz” by uniting leaders from different political parties in support of education.

He said Najib’s effort was a clear signal that politics had stopped at Penang’s water edge.

“Penangites are passionate about food, business, education and politics.

“Your presence today will be the main talking point at the kopitiam (coffeeshops) here in the days ahead,” he said.

Later, Najib said they should set aside their political differences and work together for education.

“I want to thank the (Pakatan Rakyat) politicians for attending this event to raise funds for education.

“For once, we do not have to talk about politics. We can all work together for education,” he said.

Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng and several state executive councillors and assemblymen from Pakatan were dressed in yellow shirts.

Lim said they came dressed in the state’s colours.

It’s pretty obvious don’t you think? Najib is sending a clear message to all Malaysians – ELECTION IS COMING!

First the ISA news, and now giving out money to vernacular schools like they’re candies (they’re our tax money anyway), stuff that they should have done long time ago.
Pffft… politicians.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 3 Comments
September 19, 2011

passions of kerala sucks donkey cock

I went to one of my favorite banana leaf Indian food joint the other day with wife. It was one of the very rare occasions when my wife and I could eat in peace without our 5 year old daughter asking us shitloads of questions. So we made the outing count, and chose to have dinner at one of our favorites – Passions of Kerala of Gelugor- which was also conveniently near my place, and which we hadn’t gone for quite a long time.

But everything was fucking wrong that day. It started with a treatment of cold shoulder. Gone were the usual greet of friendliness and instead, we were rudely warned beforehand (upon entering the joint) that the restaurant was busy, and we had to wait for quite a while. It didn’t concern us that much so, we decided to wait for it. After about 5 minutes, a middle aged Indian lady came over and hastily took our order (with an annoyed look), which was fine. And we waited somemore, for about another 5 minutes, before our rice was served.

Then came this skinny fuck who asked me in something rather unintelligible. When I asked skinny fuck to repeat, he said:

“Curry, what curry you want? Fish or chicken?”

So I replied “Chicken curry”.

Then he gestured ‘no’ with his hands. Ran out of chicken curry, he said.

“So then, what else do you have?”

“Only fish curry”

That was so fucking stupid. I was so tempted to ask, why did he have to ask then, if fish curry was the only thing he had?? I mean, he could have said so like “I’m sorry bro, we only have fish curry, do you want fish curry?” or something like that. But no, he had to be like a total dickhead.

So I went with the stupid fish curry, which by the way, tasted like crap. In fact, it was the crappiest fish curry I’ve ever tasted. I mean, I could have stirred in a pack of cheap curry powder with my piss, it would have tasted better. But that’s not all of it you know, for the attitude of the Indian lady was the worst of the lot. Apart from having the murderous look of a pissed cunt who just had her clitoris clipped in a door jamb, the bitch went on ranting how she fucking ran out of cabbage because the motherfucking customers had too much of them. Can you believe that?? It was like a doctor ranting to you how pissed he is looking at sick people all day…

And then she went on to bicker with her co-workers in Tamil about some customer shit, which kinda sounded like they weren’t too thrilled to serve the patrons or something like that. The experience was so unpleasant, that I swore in my mind about a few hundred discriminatory things that I could think of right there and then. We fucking left the place after having the crappiest dinner ever, but not without being slapped with a stiff bill – 32 bucks for all of those fucking shit, and heavily watered down lassi that tasted like cibai. I paid the pukimak bitch a note of 50 with a small change of 2, but she rudely claimed it was already keyed into the registered, and threw back all the small change (mine and the bill’s) on the counter.

So, what was the tally of the damage? Everything. Bad parking, expensive food (which I didn’t mind back when the food was still good), crappy food, stinking attitude, stupid waiters. I mean, what more could one ask in a restaurant? Unless you want to get your shit ruined for real, I’d say, stay out of this joint – Passions of Kerala. The place sucks donkey cock. It used to be a good place to dine, but not anymore. Go whiff a pack of curry powder instead, it would probably be a better deal.

The place has since returned back to its former glory. The fucked up Indian cibai workers are no longer there, and was replaced with a few hardworking and awesome (which I believe) Nepalese young servers. The food is now back to being awesome, albeit still expensive, I’d say it is now one of my most preferred places to eat in. :-)

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
September 6, 2011

mid 30s rant

I fucking turned 35 a few days ago. That’s halfway to my 40. I literally have one foot already in the grave. So what has changed now? Many.

Everything’s super sensitive for me now. I find myself keep checking my hairline in the mirror, suspecting that it might be receding without me realizing. It looks suspiciously high, but nothing alarming like my childhood friend Pukemachine. That guy’s definitely botak now. I guess my hairline has been all along this high, as I cross checked with pictures from my childhood & younger days. I’m pretty positive of it. Well, fuck… either that, or I must have chided the chode with male-pattern-baldness at my workplace too much to start believing in karma.

Took less alcohol to get drunk now, that’s for sure. At least that’s what I found out from a night’s romp out with friends a few days ago. The hangover lasted forever, and it felt like having a double pneumonia. It was as if I had overdone a drifting event with an old junk and suddenly to realize the bill I have to fork out to fix the goddamn leaking radiator, misaligned wheel shaft and prematurely worn out expensive tires. Nobody told me it will be this bad at this juncture on.

Also, I seem to have developed this love for plants. I’ve never been interested in plants. It’s fucking sad really, and I just realized that a few days ago. I find myself keep checking out the bunch of plants outside at the patio, and been watering them all these while. Yesterday, I unconsciously Googled on how to start planting a goddamn Jasmine from a cut and what kind of fertilizers it fucking needs! In my heydays, the only fertilizer I worried about was the ones I made after a night’s worth of intoxication!

What the hell’s happening to me?? Fuck, getting old sucks.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 7 Comments