Archive for April, 2011

April 28, 2011

I hurt someone’s feelings

A female colleague was hyping about the impending royal marriage between prince William and some chick during lunch at Company Y cafeteria…

Female colleague : “Prince William is going to get married tomorrow SQUEAL SQUEAL SQUEAL!”

Then she went on to remark how much the prince resembled his beautiful mother, Diana, and inherited the good looks.

Me : “No I think Harry’s better and tougher. William looks like a sissy. Besides, he is balding. Male pattern baldness. Not handsome anymore. Totally ugly.”

Coincidentally, there was this manager who sat just opposite me, who is balding, with male pattern baldness. I already uttered what I shouldn’t have said when I realized he was there. He was working on his lunch halfway, then slowly looked up at me – like he had been slapped by his own biological father – and just stared blankly at me.

I think I had hurt that guy’s feelings. Fuck me.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 4 Comments
April 20, 2011

accident

This morning. My car. BAM! A motorcycle.

It was awesome. I have always DREAMED of sending a motorcyclist flying, and it finally happened today. Though it wasn’t intentional, but the experience was as gratifying as I imagined it would be.

It was an all too common case of a motorcyclist being a consummate idiot. I’ve encountered them doing maneuvers that are beyond comprehension thousands of times before, but all they got was a treat from my super loud air horn. The guy I sent flying this morning however, was a bit unlucky. He got both my air horn, and my bumper.

It happened after I made my move when the light went green, and at about 10 meters’ mark, the motorcyclist suddenly appeared 2 feet in front of me from my blind spot, cutting diagonally across my path. The result? Him flying about 3 – 4 feet away and landed on the tarmac. I got down from my car to have a look and saw this middle aged scrawny guy who resembled a goblin – sitting on the road with this confused look (he didn’t know what hit him). I then did a quick assessment

– motorbike, although still pinned under my car, looked fine. Just a bent mirror.
– My car bumper, fine – just some minor scratches.
– The goblin guy – fine too. He wasn’t dead nor writhing in agony.
– the traffic – not fine. It was starting to pile up from behind.

So I decided to settle things like, pronto. First, I helped him to get up on his feet and asked him a series of questions :
“Are you alright? What were you thinking? Were you trying to kill yourself? Are you drunk? Are you sleepy? etc”

He only answered he was alright but stayed silent on the rest of my questions. He then told me to let him get his shit together for a short while and stood there like a stump (I reckoned that he probably wanted to ask for a compensation for the accident). So while waiting for him to ‘get his shit together’, I dragged his junk motorcycle out from my car, put the damn thing on neutral (the idiot was already on his 4th gear – that means he didn’t stop at all) and dragged it out of my car’s way. Then I instructed the guy to pick up his stuff including his pair of sandals (they were at 2 different locations) and told him – “Now if you want to get your shit together, do it by the roadside there. Don’t fucking block the traffic. You’re lucky you didn’t die today because I wasn’t doing fast enough for it to happen.” It’s true. If the light was green all the way, I would have gone faster, and he would have transformed from a goblin into a goblin burger patty. And that’s not going to be cool.

I then got into my car, and he slowly rode off. Not a single fuck was given that morning.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 7 Comments
April 18, 2011

Pangkor Island

Pangkor Island, the tropical paradise. Heard of that many times. Never got the chance to visit it… until last weekend. It was a big stinking shithole. Would never go there ever again.

But I have to admit, the first impression at the marina (Marina Island – the place where my family and I boarded a ferry to Pangkor) was pretty good. It looked like an airport complete with landscaping and stuff. It even has an electronic ticketing system, where you don’t get to see middle aged creepy Malay blokes with strong B.O. going around asking for your ticket (like many places in Malaysia). I was like “Wow, this is impressive!”. The ferry ride was also quite pleasant. But that’s about the point where it ended.

Once we got to the other side (i.e. Pangkor Island), shit just went down 7 classes and negative 4 stars. It was like walking through a portal from a world class airport into a Mogadishu pirates’ fishing village. Filthy, worn out and fucked up. The whole place also reeked of dead animals – must be the fishes. And then, once we’re out of the fucked up jetty complex, we were swamped by a group of thuggish looking taxi drivers offering their services. I don’t know if it’s just me but, I felt intimidated by this… and felt strongly so much more after got up into their van-taxis. (total junk, no air conditioner, spewing black smoke – which is ironic about the claim of going there to whiff some fresh air).

So what about the place? It’s like a retarded version of Langkawi. But Langkawi is so much better because it has got cheap ass booze (otherwise, still suck as a resort place). But Pangkor, there’s nothing there – just some ridiculously narrow roads, giant landfill, expensive food and contaminated sea. I’ve heard people claiming it to be a world class resort, but that’s definitely a bullshit. World class for houseflies perhaps….

There’s another resort nearby – ‘Pangkor Laut’ – which I heard from some pesky housewives, is a secret hideaway for Brad Pitt and the chick who starred in ‘The Eye’ (hence the spillover claim of being world fucking class). But for a few grands a night, that better be fucking out-of-this-world awesome, but I seriously doubt it’d be just by being so near this big stinking shithole. Overall, it’s just an utter waste of time and money being at that few degrees on the surface of our planet.

If you’re planning for Pangkor, better fuck that plan. Go somewhere better instead – like Redang or something (but don’t come to Penang, we’ve got enough traffic already).

michaelooi  | places  | 8 Comments
April 14, 2011

what had he done

Isn’t it sad when you don’t have eyebrows? It is no doubt that despite not having a technical function, our eyebrows actually play an important part in our facial expression. It’s not like we’re totally not able to express ourselves without eyebrows but, it’s just that we’re not able to do it that well. Think of it like, a home theater without an amplifier. It would just suck to the core.

There is an engineer in my workplace who has no eyebrows. Not a single strand of hair. And that kind of makes him look a little bit awkward because it kind of gives an impression that he’s surprised all the time. I felt really bad for that guy. If one’s bald, at least the guy can do a comb-over, put on a wig or at least a fucking toupee or something. But without eyebrows, you’re like, permanently fucked. You can probably tattoo or draw some fake eyebrows to offset the handicap, but that’s going to make you look queerish, which – depending on where you live – can be a mistake worst than death.

So, I guess I’m going to have to cut that poor fucker some slack by scolding him less. The guy without eyebrows. God… what had he done to deserve that.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 4 Comments
April 12, 2011

wrong calling

A girl operator, who’s a friend of a QA inspector in my department, wanted to ask me if she could apply for a job opening that we have. But the thing is, it wasn’t me who was calling the shots on the hiring so, she was in for a little bit of unlucky that day…

Operator: “Michael, I was wondering if it is ok for me to apply for the QA inspector position in your department…”

Me: “I don’t know, why? Aren’t you happy with your job?”

Operator: “I was previously a QA inspector, I don’t like working as an operator here.”

Me: “But you aren’t impressive even as an operator…”

Operator: “Oh, but I can work long hours etc. and I have experiences in X-factory et al.”

She became quite serious after that.

Me: “Ok ok, the truth is, I’m not the one who’s hiring. I’m just fucking with you. But if it were to be me, I probably won’t give a crap if you’re really good. I’d just pick the prettiest candidate. Simple.”

Operator: “Prettiest candidate??”

Me: “Yeah. And from what I observed about you, if I have to accept your application with the shortcomings, you’d need to probably compensate with a lot of things like, washing the whole departments’ engineers’ cars, walk their dogs, mow their lawns, work extra long hours without OT, etc.”

Operator: *dumbfucked*

That’s my way of telling her that she’s shit fucking ugly without spelling out the words. She didn’t bother me again after that.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 3 Comments