Archive for February, 2011

February 28, 2011

Christopher

Remember Rob my ex-boss? The person whom I claimed to hate most? Well, not anymore. Someone have just taken his rotten spot. It’s Christopher, my current boss. As fate have it, my first boss in Company Y had to be someone worse than Rob, in all ways I never thought could even be possible.

Fuck my life.

I have to admit, my first impression of Christopher was a good one in the interview room. He seemed tactful and calm in demeanor, there wasn’t a hint that he was a consummate asshole. I first noticed some clues of him being an asshole only a few weeks into the job during the departmental lunch. I had to hitch a ride in his car then and was hit hard by a bitter revelation – he listens to boy bands. You know, uber gay boy bands like N’Sync, Backstreet boys, 90 degrees celcius, etc? Unbelievable yeah. I was shocked shitless. A bloke in his mid 40’s who listens to boy bands is so fucking wrong on so many levels. And as if his profoundly bad taste in music wasn’t bad enough, I also noticed that he carries an iPhone, with some gaudy Black Eyed Peas (or was it a Lady Gaga) ringtone. I’ll let you be the judge of that.

And that was the first of many things to come. It wasn’t too long after that I started to realize that he’s not right in the head. I had my taste of his anal retentive shitfuck requirement once, when he told me that I gotta put double ended arrows in my Gantt chart instead of colored bars. In case you don’t have a clue how ridiculous that was, it was like saying getting shot ten times is better than getting shot twice times five. It makes no fucking difference. And there was also once, he openly yelled at me in a meeting room full of people, just because some of the meeting participants DIDN’T READ A DOCUMENT I SENT OUT. Can you believe that? He fucking reprimanded me for that, instead of confronting the perpetrators. Of course, I didn’t just stay still and be a sitting duck. I duly riposted, which greatly displeased him.

“They didn’t read the document, it’s their problem, not mine!”

He was dumbfucked, as he didn’t expect me to shoot back because he thought I was lame or something, like everyone else he presumed to be. A self centered gayfuck of an asshole he is. That, my friend, is how wretched my boss is. That episode sort of kick started a deep enmity between the both of us. There goes the saying of ‘never fuck with your boss’ thing because it simply isn’t possible now at this stage, when my wellbeing is at the mercy of a degenerate who is not worth of any respect. We kind of had a few altercations after that in a very short span of time, but it culminated in a confrontation at his desk a couple months back, but that’s a story for another time.

Again, fuck my life.

michaelooi  | characters  | 3 Comments
February 22, 2011

school means headache

My daughter is about to register for her primary education soon. I can’t help but notice, how fast the time has passed by. So fast that it actually scares the crap out of me. I mean, it wasn’t really that long ago when I was still romping around with my slightly insane friends, and met my wife after that. And now it’s time for my daughter to register for her primary education *nganga*

And I am shuddering at the thought of having to adjust/arrange my schedule to accommodate my daughter’s welfare of having a school life. It used to be so easy when I was a kid, but not anymore. Everything’s so damn different now, and so damn complex.

When I was a kid, my mom would just accompany me to the school for the first time, and that’s about it. I can remember vividly, how my mom grabbed me tight at my arms, looked at me straight in the eyes, shook me violently while saying “Remember! Look for the little blue bus! If you miss the bus, you don’t come home to me. You walk to the goddamn school!”. I was only 7 and the message was pretty damn clear – look out for the small blue bus with funny headlights (some old models from the 50’s), or walk to the school, which was located 7 – 8 kilometers away (I actually kinda achieved that feat a couple years after that…). I was like a maintenance free battery. My mom would give me 20 cents (my daily pocket money), and I would go about by myself the whole day without a problem. I hauled my own fucking school bag, and I didn’t need no tuition. Period.

What about now? I don’t know how that kind of arrangement’s even possible now. I know my daughter. She’d require a lot of attention from us. Even if she doesn’t, we’ll still be obligated to provide her an overwhelming level of attention. My wife’s already talking about some ‘after school care’ now, which I reckon costs enough to pay for the installment of a small family car. Sooner or later, it’s going to be cellphone because it is so fucking unsafe out there. And then the taekwondo lesson I’ve been wanting her to learn – that’s for her to whoop back if anyone wants to bully her. Piano. Something something. So many more. All these will become part of our lives, which we haven’t got much left… *shakes head*

Now why can’t schools provide package deals like fast food restaurants? Transport, study and care – all in one combo package. I’ll pay. It’ll be so much easier for most of us.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 6 Comments
February 18, 2011

dogs

10 reasons why I think having a dog as pet is a bad idea.

1) Internal hygiene.
It is an unmistakable fact that a dog is a filthy animal. They eat their own shit, drool all the time and lick their own genitals. You wouldn’t know what kind of stuff they’re going to pick up from licking around, and use the same tongue/mouth to lick your face and your kid’s face. That’s just too fucked up for me.

2) External hygiene.
A dog is an animal. An animal is not civilized. Therefore, it is generally common for them to piss and shit anywhere they deem fit. That means, the place we call home, could very well be the toilet for our little four legged friend here. I can’t tolerate seeing shit and piss lying around the house. Sure enough, one may claim that dogs can be potty trained, but that claim is as dependable as claiming switching off the lights can save the Earth from exploding.

3) Odor.
Because dogs have hygiene problems, it is only logical that they have to stink. No matter how frequent you bathe a dog, it has that acrid odor. That wet rug odor that makes me just want to keel over. It’s mind boggling how some people would bitch so much about someone else having a B.O., but none of them would complain about having a fucking dog that stinks at home. To me, a dog’s worst than a Bangla.

4) Noise.
A dog’s bark is the second most annoying sound in the world, and a dog likes to fucking bark. I’d hate to imagine having to come home after a late night out with my friends, to come home to my pet canine – whom I feed everyday – barking excitedly, waking everyone up and pissing my neighbors off.

5) Bad fengshui.
In almost all cultures known to me, a dog is often associated with shady and negative characters (lap dog, stinking dog, dog eat dog, etc). If we Chinese believe in taboos such as having numbers that rhyme with wealth and luck would bring good returns, why the fuck would they rear an animal with such reputation?? Isn’t that contradictory?

6) Cruelty
A dog, no matter how domesticated it is, when confined to a home with limited space without freedom, is a sad animal. It’s like sitting in a prison, waiting to be fed and go for a pointless walk everyday. Just compare a wolf and a dog. A dog is the gay of a gay version of a wolf. How did you people change a cool animal such as a wolf into something like a poodle? That’s just cruel.

7) Responsibility
If your dog hurts or kills another person, you’re liable for prosecution. That’s like adding a free agent of absolute violence to your responsibility and putting a trust on an animal with no absolute purpose (not love, please. Spare that for your children/parents). That’s just fucking dumb.

8) Havoc
Dogs think they’re cute, thanks to you neurotic people who makes them think so. As a result of that, they often go around to wreak havoc doing stuff to please people. Chasing motor vehicles endangering lives, knock over little children with least regards, breaking stuff around the house, etc.

9) Stupidity
I always have the reservation when people say dogs are intelligent – they’re not. If they’re intelligent, they’d be doing our tax now. But what do they do? Maul newspapers, bark without reasons, etc. The most awesome thing that they can do is having a good sense of smell. But that’s not intelligent. That’s just being what they’re good at. (it’s like saying a chicken is intelligent because it can incubate an egg). Having a stupid animal at home is like inviting accidents to happen.

10) Libido
When a dog gets aroused or in heat (which happens like, 4000 – 5000 times a year), it will either try to run away or attract some runaway dogs (or worse, diseased stray dogs). Either case can’t be good for the owner for reasons too obvious to mention.

My daughter wanted to keep a dog, I had to say no.

It’s not that I hate dogs, but I hate to have one around the house as a pet.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 12 Comments
February 9, 2011

Critter Annihilator

While I was having dinner at home with my wife, a big ass wasp came buzzing into our living room. Emily, as usual, reflexed by letting out an ear piercing shriek and started to convulse violently like she’s having Parkinson’s. Me on the other hand, didn’t give any fuck to the insect, for I know, it won’t escape the death grip of the one and only, Critter Annihilator – that was in vicinity.

The said Critter Annihilator was my biological mother. I don’t know why but, she likes to kill. So far, I have seen her kill everything except humans (not because I don’t believe it but because I haven’t seen her doing it). If someone were to tell me my mom’s a closet serial killer and she had also killed hundreds of people she found annoying enough, I’d believe it without an iota of doubt. She’s the physical manifestation of critters’ Death with a fly swatter in place of a scythe. She’s just one thin line away from being a real murderer.

Anyway, after hearing the panic shriek, my mom (who was on the couch watching the tv) sailed across the living room, grabbing a fly swatter at the same split second and… ok, I expected her to smack the living shit out of that wasp, but to our bewilderment, she gently pressed the swatter onto the wasp, whipped out a handkerchief, gently cupped the little shit into it and let it went free at the balcony.

My wife and I went – WTF JUST HAPPENED!? with a wide eyed expression. THAT’S NOT MY MOM!

And then the wasp flew back into our apartment, beckoning for its life to be taken away for the second time. My mom looked on forlornly at the insect (I really don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with her), and then the ceiling fan hit it and kinda crippled it a bit. I had to grab the swatter and finished the job.

So what the fuck happened to my mom? Was she possessed by the devil or something? Wait… shouldn’t it be the other way round? *confused x 50*

michaelooi  | experiences  | 6 Comments
February 7, 2011

hell drivers

In a recent gathering with some relatives, I brought up a topic of wanting to buy a motorcycle. That was when a relative from KL exclaimed,

KL Relative : “But it’s so dangerous! Especially in Penang where the drivers are so horrible!”

Yeah well, fuck me stupid but I would be lying if I say I was unaffected by that stereotyping of Penang drivers. I’ve heard it a million times, that people from Penang are drivers from hell. But hey, I’m not denying that, it’s just that it was so damn fucking wrong to hear that coming from drivers who hail from the deeper part of hell. Of course, I had to counter that…

Me : “I’m sorry but, I think KL drivers are worse. KL drivers like to drive on emergency lanes. Total assholes. That alone takes the cake.”

It’s true. I have seen KL drivers in action for many times before. Besides driving speeding on emergency lanes, they also like to perform illegal u-turns. That’s because the roads in KL are so bloody confusing, that they themselves do not know how to get from point A to B. And also, if you ask them to give way to another vehicle – never mind who has the right of way – it will be akin to spitting at their mother’s face, or worse. So, how can a bunch of emergency lane speeding, illegal u-turning, selfish and cynical city rats label us Penang drivers as worse than them?

It will be like Elton John calling anyone gay.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 16 Comments