Archive for 2010

January 11, 2010

tits-first-die-later

Conversation took place in Company X cafeteria, without the presence of any female colleague…

Me : “So Hewey, tell me, are you a tit guy, or an ass guy?”

Hewey is a manager in Company X, married with children,

Hewey : “I like tits more. I’m not so much of a fan of asses. Just tits.”

Me : “Alright, you’re a total tit guy then. I’m kinda half half. I like both tits and ass. I think it is important that they complement each other well.”

Hewey : “It’s always the tits for me. The first thing that I check when I meet a female, are her tits. So to say, I meet the tits first, then only the person. Nothing else matters to me.”

That didn’t sound right to me.

Me : “Whoaa, wait a minute. You mean, you’d just indiscriminately ogle at tits without giving a damn about who that person is?”

Hewey : “Yeah. I don’t really care about the rest. Tits first, everything else later.”

Me : “No that’s not right. What if you see someone like Lim Ah Lian? It will be disastrous…”

Lim Ah Lian is a female clerk in Company X who weights about 500 pounds, with tits so massive that they could be used as a pair of jumbo jet wheel stops. She’s so seriously tragic that another colleague of mine named his Rottweiler after her…

Hewey : “I’d still look at the tits first.”

Me : “I don’t think that should be the way. A normal person would do a crude scan of the whole package first, you know, to see if the subject’s attractive or not, then only deep dive into her tits and ass. ”

Other colleagues nodded in approval. But Hewey was resolute in his tits-first-die-later approach…

Hewey : “Like I said, I don’t really care. Tits, then package.”

Well, what can I say, I guess every man has his own fetish, and Hewey’s happens to be huge mammary glands. I wished him luck after that and we moved on to another topic.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 1 Comment
January 6, 2010

the grocer’s daughter

It was late at night. My friend and I was at this grocery store to buy some beer. The grocer was not around, so the daughter attended to us.

“4 large beer please”

The grocer’s daughter was doing her school homework when we placed the order. She had to stop whatever she was doing, and ambled towards the back of the store to fetch the 4 bottles of beer for us.

Curious on what she was doing, I took a peek at her work, and saw that she was doing some integral calculus. I checked her workings out, and it seemed to me that she was quite good at it. Her solution was elaborate, and her work was very neat. I then remarked to my friend,

“This girl totally got it. She’s going to score well.”

My friend nodded in approval. That was when the girl comes out with the 4 bottles of beer, oblivious to what we said about her.

“That will be RM48 please.”

My friend dug out a RM50 note and paid the beer with it. Girl took the RM50 note, stuffed it into a drawer and whipped out…

JENG JENG JENGGG!!

Two RM10 notes.

My friend and I froze. Girl looked at us, unable to decipher what went wrong. I hinted her about her obvious ‘fail’ in basic arithmetic by merely pointing at the wrong change, but she didn’t get it. My friend then decided to get a bit blunt,

“Eh, your mind is still filled with the X’s and Y’s is it?”

Girl finally realized the mistake, went blush, gave out a hearty laugh (she was wearing this serious look when she went to fetch our beer) and gave us the correct change. I guess if it were to be Banglas buying beer that night, the grocer will have to register a negative 18 discrepancy in the account – no thanks to her math genius daughter.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 5 Comments
January 5, 2010

the world according to…

The world according to… my 3.5 year old daughter:

– The kindergarten she’s attending is not called a kindergarten. It’s called a ‘school’ because she would never attend a kindergarten.

– The day she becomes a ‘grown up’ is the day she knows how to use the porcelain bowl at the toilet in the mall. She should be about 10 years old then.

– If she ever misbehaves when she becomes a grown up, a hyena will materialize out of nowhere and eat her dress.

– When her father dies (that’s me), she’d have to inconveniently drive the black family car to the zoo herself. She should be about 10 years old by then.

– All animals have stinking backside. Ergo, if your backside stinks, you must be an animal.

– The singular for ‘horse’ is ‘whore’. (explanation here)

– Old people should keep short and curly hair, they shouldn’t ever grow long straight hair. Vice versa (young people shouldn’t keep curly hair)

– Every man should know how to sing Foreigner’s ‘Waiting for A Girl Like You’ because it is a VERY nice song.

– Coffee is for men. Children and women should not drink coffee.

– She’s not obliged to go for a bath if she is not sweating.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 6 Comments
January 4, 2010

Miss A

I recently had a conflict of opinion with some of my female colleagues about a certain person in the company – Miss A (a young but ugly female exec who looks like a cross between a she-male and a he-female, and everything else in between).

In my opinion, this Miss A is a vile motherfucking bitch, who was abusive to her fiance (who is also someone I know). My female colleagues however, disagree with me, and think that she’s an angel. They seem to have that impression that I have a prejudice against her because I do not know her well enough like they do, and that it is all a shallow misunderstanding.

Well, I don’t know about that. I have seen with my own eyes how wretched and nasty this Miss A could get. I doubt that ‘getting to know her better’ could change a modicum of my original opinion about her. To me, this is as senseless as saying – you’d think that clubbing baby seals is not really that bad if you learn how to appreciate it well enough. Trust me people, once you have seen what I’ve seen, you’d be in my boat even if Jesus Christ vouches for that bitch.

So what have I seen that was so horrible?

It was an incident at a friend’s house. We were having a gathering that night, and the ladies chatted inside the house while the blokes – including Miss A’s fiance and myself – hung out at the patio. It all went well until somebody gave a blood curdling scream. It was Miss A. Thinking that this could be an emergency, some of us went in to check out what was going on. It appeared that Miss A had spilled her glass of water on the coffee table, and that was why she screamed. She was screaming her fiance’s full Chinese name in the most bizarre fashion – LIM AH KAUUU !!! (Not his real name of course. I changed it to protect his innocence, you get the idea.)

I was like, totally dumbfucked and wanted to ask what was her problem. But I didn’t. That was because I did not want to get involved in anything to do with her. Coincidentally, Lim Ah Kau wasn’t around. He was away to his car to collect some stuff and didn’t hear her screaming. So, she got even more crossed and screamed even louder (in Mandarin) – LIM AH KAUUUU!!! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?? This went on for about 10 – 15 seconds in the presence of bewildered colleagues, until Lim Ah Kau finally showed up.

Lim Ah Kau : “What’s going on dear?” [looking startled]
Miss A : “I SPILLED MY GLASS OF WATER!! WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU??”

It was unbelievable. If I were to be in Lim Ah Kau’s shoes, I would have yelled back at her “SO?? FUCKING WIPE THE MESS UP ALREADY, BITCH!!” and fucking dump her ass right there and then for being such a massive cunt. I was so fucking pissed off. But Ah Kau went on ahead to get some serviettes and cleaned the mess up. But I could tell that he was suppressing all the shit inside, and I was right. About a few months after that, Lim Ah Kau finally dumped Miss A. We celebrated the event in a club with plenty of drinking.

To us guys, he certainly had made the right decision. It would be suicidal to marry that bitch. Dumping her was the only right thing to do (if not kill her). But sadly, that was not what the girls think. The girls think that Lim Ah Kau is wrong to dump Miss A post engagement, because according to them, this will take a heavy toll on her reputation as a female and it would be difficult for her to find another mate. My female colleagues didn’t even so much to think of, why the relationship failed in the first place. Let’s not even delve on, why should Lim Ah Kau forgo his own self esteem to protect Miss A’s, or why is he made accountable for her inability to find another mate… (trust me, she has bigger problems to worry about than her fucking reputation). All they offered was – ‘you’d understand that Miss A is an angel if you know her better like us’. Even better than Lim Ah Kau has ever known I suppose. Well, that Miss A can go fuck herself then… because no one is going to do that.

michaelooi  | characters  | 22 Comments