November 8, 2010

spot a douchebag

This post is dedicated to the ladies.

douche.bag [doosh.bag]
noun (Slang)
Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.

[source: Urban Dictionary]

And this person could be your boyfriend, fiance or husband… and you could be too blind from being in love with him to realize/acknowledge that.

Having written about douchebags the other day, I felt inclined to share more about what I observed… especially to the young females out there who aren’t sure how to tell if a seemingly prospective guy is actually in fact a douchebag in disguise.

Here are some of the signs/habit most douchebags have in common… You can use this list as somekind of checklist to filter out your existing/future mates…

– Likes to lift his polo t-shirt collar up (ala dracula style)
If your guy likes to lift his polo t-shirt collar up, he’s definitely a douchebag. A normal person won’t wear his t-shirt with a lifted collar. It’s pretty much like why a girl would not wear her skirt inside out. It’s just wrong, unless if he’s a consummate douchebag.

– Likes to wear a soccer jersey everywhere he goes.
From going to the mall, to attending your mother in law’s birthday party – he dons a jersey everywhere he goes. Usually a jersey of his favorite EPL club. I might draw a lot of flak from the soccer fanatics for this but hey, deny all you want. Just know this – nobody gives a flying fuck which club you support in the EPL. It’s just so irrelevant, unless you’re a douchebag.

– Has at least one ‘horsepower increasing’ sticker on his car/motorcycle.
Usually, something like ‘NISMO’, ‘Mugen’ or Toufu shop in Japanese. The junk remains a junk but full of these stupid stickers. Other than being a douchebag having a severe self esteem problem, there’s no other explanation for this kind of behavior.

– Has worked out huge biceps and likes to show them off.
Either by wearing a sleeveless shirt/top/wifebeater, tight gayish shirt or taking off his shirt altogether in public. People like that usually have very low intelligence because they spend more time in the gym pumping irons to get their beefy physique than holding a book or doing something useful to be a better person. The show-off is just being themselves, a douchebag.

– Dyes his hair with an unnatural but subtle color
Usually shit brown to dark brown in color (so not to be too flashy), but is douchebag enough to make that step towards the dark side. A man, at any given time of his life, would not dye his hair even if it means his dog’s gonna die if he doesn’t do it.

– Dances like he’s on fire whenever he hears an upbeat music in a pub/bistro
0% percent charming, 100% embarrassing. Usually dances and glances around to see if anyone’s looking at him. If you’re unfortunate enough to have him spot you looking at his direction (even if you’re not actually looking), he’s going to flail harder and have a more intense epilepsy. Definitely a douchebag.

– Pronounces ‘zero’ as ‘jilo’.
You know what I mean. I’ve seen people who dress nicely without looking like a douchebag. But when the person pronounces ‘zero’ as ‘jilo’, it simply gives him away like a long tail of a monkey’s discerning it from being a human. Anyone who pronounces ‘zero’ as ‘jilo’, automatically qualifies as a douchebag.

– Wears leather shoes without socks, with a pair of flannel shorts.
Definitely a douchebag for wanting to look like an elite class golfer. Usually executives who do not want to be seen wearing something shoddy (shorts), but slap on a pair of leather shoes (without socks) to counter the potential misperception of being dull in fashion.

That’s roughly about it for now. Of course I won’t be able to cover everything, the list could get ridiculously long.

So if you just discovered that your partner is a douchebag by matching with the items in the list above – I’m sorry, maybe it is high time for you to knock him out with a stun gun and throw him out of the house, and get yourself a better person. You definitely deserve someone better than a goddamn douchebag. (I hope my daughter reads this someday)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

16 Comments to “spot a douchebag”

  1. Chrissy says:

    Two thumbs up.

  2. ShaolinTiger says:

    Shit I’m a douchebag, I quality for 2 points.

  3. Raymond says:

    Thank you Sir Michael Ooi for the thorough list of douchebags. I can proudly say I’m not one of them douchebags (phew). I shall forward this to my missus (and maybe the rest of the world).

    ps. do make a part 2, or perhaps one for the guys. heh

  4. iamyuanwu says:

    ‘jilo’ is not a douchebag. Just another country bumpkin.

  5. Anna says:

    Haha.. your list is more of ‘how to spot an Ah Beng’.

  6. ahsiang says:

    I did this before:
    – Wears leather shoes without socks, with a pair of flannel shorts.
    But it was because I forgot to bring any other shoe!

  7. Arkane says:

    what’s the difference between a douchebag and a chow ah beng ?

  8. MT says:

    Another genius post my good sir. May I add to your first example? My definition of an ULTIMATE douchebag is:

    – Wears a Polo (big horse logo) or Hackett (wordings across the chest) polo t-shirt with the collar up, wears sunglasses no matter what time it is or whether he’s indoors or not, has hair combed up in a fake mohawk or “faux-hawk”, usually speaks with a fake English-American-Australian bastardized accent.

  9. Fiona K says:

    wow! thank God BGBK has nothing mentioned above. XD

  10. frankie says:

    Guys who have a slingbag across their shoulder everywhere they go, douchebag or not?

  11. Aleanor says:


    I just matched some of the attributes to someone and just can’t stop laughing!! ^ ^

  12. michaelooi says:

    A chow ah beng and a douchebag are inter-related. Just like a crocodile and an alligator.

  13. feizal says:

    Hahaha good post..

  14. a lim ah says:

    surrounded by doooooshhhhhhbegggggggg….arghhhhhh..can they be cure?

  15. Max says:

    You got those lists right bro ^^ lucky i’m not one.

    And MT, you got a point with that sunglasses. I’ve seen a lot of them at my college who hit most of the points and wears sunglasses even in class. :S

    Post some cures for them next time :)

  16. Deedee says:

    omg.. I dated a douchebag.. dumped him after 2 months when i realized what a retarded freak he is.. (and he seems to like being called a freak because according to him, when people calls him freak they mean different and special, but according to me.. freak means freak you retard)the high collar, the stupid racing stickers ( he had the nerve to suggest to me that i should have it on my car)the hair dye and the embarrasing dance.. what was i thinking..

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