Archive for November, 2010

November 24, 2010

we deserve it

Company Y is a big company. I only work in one of its small divisions, which is located in a separate building from the main plant. Now this main plant, is a huge motherfucking building. Consists of all kinds of people. Most of them engineers, being a technology company and all.

For some strange fucking reasons, the division that I worked for, is like an unwanted bastard child. The people from the main plant would look down upon us. If we were to send them emails, it will be treated with the lowest priority, if not with contempt. They talk to us derisively and often with a heightened tone. It’s like, we’re dealing with a whole separate apartheid system in there.

At first, I was damn pissed off for having to deal with this kind of shit. You know, it’s not my idea of fun when you have to deal with people like them almost every goddamn day. But then, I kinda discovered something about them that made me all cool about having this ‘bastard child’ identity.

You see, I went into their office for the first time about 2 days ago for an important meeting, and I discovered something about these ‘people from the main plant’. Their cubicle is only 1/3 of mine. That’s right, only 2 feet max. They cram about 5 engineers into a small cube, of what would have been the size for only (less than) 2 in my office (actually, we have individual cubes). I mean, there isn’t even enough space for me to whip out my dick. If I stretch my arms in there, I probably would knock over a few monitors and cause injury. And that was when my pang of conscience overwhelms me, and I went – “My god, these poor fuckers… no wonder they’re so stucked up in the ass!”. And not only that, I also kinda discovered that their wage is at least 30% lower on average than our’s. That’s like, being a midget having a short dick with erectile dysfunction.

The world looked so much brighter to me from then on. Looks like being a bastard child isn’t that bad after all…

michaelooi  | work shit  | 8 Comments
November 22, 2010

late night bullshit

I keep hearing people saying this recently –

One should not go home, if the boss is still in the office.

Makes my blood boil every time I hear that. It’s as ridiculous as saying that if your boss is gay, so must you.

To me, this is the same kind of hokum as those ‘if you don’t forward this to 20 people, your mom’s going to explode’ made up by those emo Jay Chou wannabe Chinese ed dillholes; who do not possess enough creativity/intelligence to find something entertaining enough for their turgid minds. Well, if they’re not doing that, they can most likely be found playing those dancing arcade machines or text messaging a roommate in the opposite corner of a room.

In a world according to me, if you have to stay back late in the office deliberately with your boss knowing, it does not mean you’re hardworking. It means you’re a cocksucker. You suck your boss’ cock to impress him. (cunnilingus if it’s a her). You also have a very low self esteem, because you do not believe you can be successful in your career (or whatever) without having to suck a dick. You’re a conscious loser, and through some brainwashing from your equally lost friends, you’re now a successful cocksucker.

Or, if you have to stay back late in the office WITHOUT your boss knowing, it could only mean 2 things – Either you’re too incompetent to get your given job done on time, or your workplace is grossly understaffed. Either one of these boils down to one unmistakable fact: your boss sucks donkey cock (for hiring a retard like you, or being a retard himself to not staff his department well). You should have left the job for a better one. If for some reason you’re still there working your late nights off, it means you must be one of those emo Jay Chou wannabe Chinese ed dillholes.

So think about it and go home to your family.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 12 Comments
November 15, 2010

what’s wrong with you kids?

How many of you here (reading this) are below 20 years old?

If you are below 20, may I ask you one thing – what the fuck’s wrong with you?

If you do not know what I’m talking about, check your phone bill. Yes, I am talking about the shitload of text messages you send every fucking awakening minute of your life. Why can’t you just breathe and live like any normal human being? Just show some sign of life and react to your surrounding? But no, you have to glue yourself to your cellphone and hammer away the keys messaging your stupid girlfriend/boyfriend/friends like the world’s gonna end if you don’t do it.

I have seen some of the kids in my family, who used to be nice and stuff, only to grow up to become one of these mindless zombies. Text messaging at the rate of a nuclear powered toy rabbit’s hump rate per second. I only text about less than 200 messages per month, these kids could easily hit that quota within a day. What is so important about their lives that they need to be messaging each other so damn frigging often? Things that I don’t understand.

Man I’m gonna so fucking cut their angpow money this coming Chinese New Year.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 20 Comments
November 8, 2010

spot a douchebag

This post is dedicated to the ladies.

douche.bag [doosh.bag]
noun (Slang)
Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.

[source: Urban Dictionary]

And this person could be your boyfriend, fiance or husband… and you could be too blind from being in love with him to realize/acknowledge that.

Having written about douchebags the other day, I felt inclined to share more about what I observed… especially to the young females out there who aren’t sure how to tell if a seemingly prospective guy is actually in fact a douchebag in disguise.

Here are some of the signs/habit most douchebags have in common… You can use this list as somekind of checklist to filter out your existing/future mates…

– Likes to lift his polo t-shirt collar up (ala dracula style)
If your guy likes to lift his polo t-shirt collar up, he’s definitely a douchebag. A normal person won’t wear his t-shirt with a lifted collar. It’s pretty much like why a girl would not wear her skirt inside out. It’s just wrong, unless if he’s a consummate douchebag.

– Likes to wear a soccer jersey everywhere he goes.
From going to the mall, to attending your mother in law’s birthday party – he dons a jersey everywhere he goes. Usually a jersey of his favorite EPL club. I might draw a lot of flak from the soccer fanatics for this but hey, deny all you want. Just know this – nobody gives a flying fuck which club you support in the EPL. It’s just so irrelevant, unless you’re a douchebag.

– Has at least one ‘horsepower increasing’ sticker on his car/motorcycle.
Usually, something like ‘NISMO’, ‘Mugen’ or Toufu shop in Japanese. The junk remains a junk but full of these stupid stickers. Other than being a douchebag having a severe self esteem problem, there’s no other explanation for this kind of behavior.

– Has worked out huge biceps and likes to show them off.
Either by wearing a sleeveless shirt/top/wifebeater, tight gayish shirt or taking off his shirt altogether in public. People like that usually have very low intelligence because they spend more time in the gym pumping irons to get their beefy physique than holding a book or doing something useful to be a better person. The show-off is just being themselves, a douchebag.

– Dyes his hair with an unnatural but subtle color
Usually shit brown to dark brown in color (so not to be too flashy), but is douchebag enough to make that step towards the dark side. A man, at any given time of his life, would not dye his hair even if it means his dog’s gonna die if he doesn’t do it.

– Dances like he’s on fire whenever he hears an upbeat music in a pub/bistro
0% percent charming, 100% embarrassing. Usually dances and glances around to see if anyone’s looking at him. If you’re unfortunate enough to have him spot you looking at his direction (even if you’re not actually looking), he’s going to flail harder and have a more intense epilepsy. Definitely a douchebag.

– Pronounces ‘zero’ as ‘jilo’.
You know what I mean. I’ve seen people who dress nicely without looking like a douchebag. But when the person pronounces ‘zero’ as ‘jilo’, it simply gives him away like a long tail of a monkey’s discerning it from being a human. Anyone who pronounces ‘zero’ as ‘jilo’, automatically qualifies as a douchebag.

– Wears leather shoes without socks, with a pair of flannel shorts.
Definitely a douchebag for wanting to look like an elite class golfer. Usually executives who do not want to be seen wearing something shoddy (shorts), but slap on a pair of leather shoes (without socks) to counter the potential misperception of being dull in fashion.

That’s roughly about it for now. Of course I won’t be able to cover everything, the list could get ridiculously long.

So if you just discovered that your partner is a douchebag by matching with the items in the list above – I’m sorry, maybe it is high time for you to knock him out with a stun gun and throw him out of the house, and get yourself a better person. You definitely deserve someone better than a goddamn douchebag. (I hope my daughter reads this someday)

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 16 Comments
November 2, 2010

happy deepavali

I don’t feel like writing anything this week. So I’m gonna just post a picture of my daughter in this traditional Indian garb and wish everyone happy Deepavali.

michaelooi  | greetings  | 7 Comments