June 21, 2010

tribal man

I saw a program on TV the other day about the lives of group of tribal people in some remote part in Africa. In any other time, it would have been just another program on TV for me, but the recent spate of job seeking efforts have made me plunge in such low state of mind, that I started to wonder how different it would have been if I were to be one of the tribal dudes dancing half naked like jackasses, totally oblivious to all the fuck ups in the world…

I can come up with at least 10 reasons, why being a tribal man is better than a modern man:

1) A tribal man does not depend on the economy to survive. At any given time, a tribal man only needs to tend to his livestock because everything revolves around his livestock. He gets food, status and respect by having healthy and more livestock. A modern man has to please people he doesn’t like, do things he hates and waste the life he treasures to gain a small place in the huge ass society that runs everything related to his life, which totally depends on the mood of the economy.

2) The chicks in a tribal man’s community are already naked. That’s like, 50% work already done for. No surprises (cellulite, excessive dimples, varicose veins, etc). A modern man has to go through a painful process of courtship, spending shitloads amount of money and effort to obtain enough trust, only to get a first glimpse of his mate’s naked body, which is usually full of unexpected surprises (big bush, bad BO, huge ass lovehandles, et al)

3) When a tribal man wants a land or a house, he only needs a machete and a hoe to get the job done. Just clear the jungle and the land’s his. Get some straw, build himself a house of any size. If he needs to expand his land to fit more livestock, just hoe the place up. A modern man has to regurgitate a sum of deposit, secure a lifetime’s loan and pay his ass off for that mortgage possibly for the rest of his life – just to get a place to live.

4) A tribal man does not have transport problems. He goes around by running and if anything comes into his path, he’d spear the shit out of that thing (lion, hyena, etc). If he has many kids, his kids run with him. A modern man has to go through the almost similarly painful process of getting a house to buy a decent motor transport, and contend with fuckloads of idiots blocking his way to go ANYWHERE for the most of his life (known as ‘traffic jam’). If he ever gets more kids later in his life, he has to repeat the process for a BIGGER VEHICLE and contend with more fuck ups.

5) If a tribal man wants a girl to be his wife, he just needs to give some livestock to the girl’s father, and he’d get the girl. He needs not to impress anyone with his looks, his dress code, or his table manners. He just need to have enough livestock, anyone will give him credit for that. A modern man needs to look good, be reasonably rich enough and have a good personality to get someone interested in him, and use his skills to impress the girl’s parents and satisfy their every whim to get the whole thing to work, before he could even mention about getting married.

6) When a tribal man’s in trouble, there’s nothing the witch doctor couldn’t fix. Just cut up one of the cows or goats, let the village witch doctor probe its intestines to predict the magnitude of the fuck up and determine how many more cows/goats are needed to be sacrificed to even up the odds, then dance around like an idiot and you’re off. When a modern man’s in trouble, it usually means more trouble (depression, alcoholism, divorce, more money for doctors/consultants/shrinks etc)

7) A tribal man kills his nemesis, he becomes a hero. He gets to commemorate the heroic event with a cool tattoo and honorary dance from his drinking buddies. If a modern man kills his nemesis (his boss, backstabbers, office bitch, etc) or anyone, he goes to prison for the rest of his life and gets non-permanent tattoos from blunt meat shafts up his ass in there.

8) A tribal man does not have problems with his dress code. He can walk naked anywhere he wants. If he chooses to wear a holim, he can coolly kill a buffalo for it. A modern man has to worry about what he is suppose to wear for different kinds of occasion. If he ever gets naked in public, he gets beaten up, goes to prison and gets non-permanent tattoos from blunt meat shafts up his ass in there.

9) Vanity is not an issue for a tribal man because everyone’s ugly. A tribal man may occasionally need a tattoo or piercing to complement his ego, but there’s nothing a village elder can’t fix. If a modern man is ugly, short, fat or not intelligent enough, he will be cast aside in the society, discriminated and gets very little attention unless he earns enough money to buy himself what others can’t afford to buy.

10) A tribal man gets healthier by tending his everyday needs. He gets ample exercises by running to commute, working on his livestock to feed himself and his family, or dancing with the guys to pray for a better harvest. A modern man gets out of shape, his arteries clogged, his blood pressure shot up and his organs expired by sitting around getting all the tension, just to earn enough money to feed himself and his family. He then has to spend more money to fix his health up (doctors, gym, etc) to be able to do that all over again.


Being a tribal man simply means less worry, don’t you think?

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 

6 Comments to “tribal man”

  1. littleComma says:

    When you are a tribal man, you find that being a modern man is better. The grass is always greener at the other side of the field.

    Having said that, I am contended with what I have right now. I enjoy food and I love sharing food with the one I love. During good times, we will share better meals and during bad times, we are still happy to share the meals that we can afford.

    I love surprises and to be surprised. I accept my spouse’s flaws and love him for who he is. Whether he’s size 28 or 34, I’ll embrace him the same. I love wondering what to wear for work tomorrow and have headache over what’s for dinner later ..

    Hahahha … Monday blues :)

  2. JC says:

    I agree totally.

    Been watching this China documentary on the new HD channel. I wish I can be the people living next to the river with so much land, sky and nature. Everything is so clean because I live close to the source of the water that goes to the longest river in China. All I need to do is have live stock.

  3. EinsamSoldat says:

    Simple Life : Tribal Edition rocks LOL

  4. michaelooi says:

    littleComma – It’s actually a good thing to be content with what you have now. In my world, being content with what I already have is usually called ‘laziness’… especially for guys.

    JC – The idea is to get self sufficient – which we urban dwellers grossly unable to.

    EinsamSoldat – Oh yeah

  5. infinitium says:

    adding 1 more to the courtship/scoring a girl part – when a tribal man wants a girl, he just grabs his club, clobbers the bitch and drags her back to his pad. then he proceeds to have his way with her.

    life was so much easier back then.

  6. michaelooi says:

    dude I think you have mistaken a tribal man for a caveman. A tribal man does not beat a woman to own her. A tribal man is civilized, he trades his prized bovines with the woman’s father to own her. It’s like buying an expensive commodity… but in a much direct and simpler way.

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