I’ve been to 2 more interviews as of last week, a total of 3 interviews. I am beginning to see a trend here, on the things they tend to ask during an interview…
1) “Tell me about yourself.” / “How would you describe yourself”.
I’ve been asked this in all my interviews. Like duh. I think this is more like a ‘feel good’ question because obviously, the interviewers already knew more or less about me through my resume etc. They’re asking me this to gauge how confident I am about myself and how much of an asshole I am.
2) “Why do you leave your current job?”
It is as if they do not believe what I’ve written in my resume/application form. I mean, if I were to have a real grouse with my existing company/job, what makes them think that I’d be honest about it with them? Like “Oh I decided to leave because my boss is an asshole and there are not enough pretty girls in my workplace…”. This is a question – without doubt – to gauge my skills at bullshitting. I aced it.
3) “If I have something big for you, are you up for it?”
It’s always about something big, ain’t it? And they never tell you what ‘thing’ it is. If I do not know what big thing they’re talking about, how would I know I’m up for it? If you answer ‘yes’, you’re fucked (because you must be desperate and lying). If you answer ‘no’, you’re also fucked (because you’re a lazy sloth for saying ‘no’ before even trying). This is a question with no possible answer unless you’re able to accurately predict the future. It is asked to gauge the interviewee’s cognitive skills. I answered “depends”.
4) “What is your strength?”
Another ‘feel good’ question. It is not to be taken literally. Reason is, it does not matter if you think you’re strong in some areas, because ‘strength’ has no limits, and is very subjective. You may think you’re strong in your own perspective but you’ll always be weak in some assholes’ eyes. This question is asked to gauge how delusional you are about yourself, which could subsequently be translated to a question whether the interviewer needs another massive douche bag in his/her organization. I answered ‘my versatility’. It means, “I’m your whore if you want me to.” I think it’s a great answer.
5) “What is your greatest achievement?”
Like (1), I’ve been asked this in all my interviews. I think this is the only question that is to be taken literally. This is like a bonus for them, if there’s anything extra good that comes with your employment. Just like how your mom would ask a vegetable seller if that catty of spinach comes with a free piece of ginger, or your dad asking a prostitute if the fuck job comes with a free backrub. If you’ve not been shirking too much at work, you should have something to say. I have.
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for