Archive for June, 2010

June 29, 2010

job interview – common questions

I’ve been to 2 more interviews as of last week, a total of 3 interviews. I am beginning to see a trend here, on the things they tend to ask during an interview…

1) “Tell me about yourself.” / “How would you describe yourself”.
I’ve been asked this in all my interviews. Like duh. I think this is more like a ‘feel good’ question because obviously, the interviewers already knew more or less about me through my resume etc. They’re asking me this to gauge how confident I am about myself and how much of an asshole I am.

2) “Why do you leave your current job?”
It is as if they do not believe what I’ve written in my resume/application form. I mean, if I were to have a real grouse with my existing company/job, what makes them think that I’d be honest about it with them? Like “Oh I decided to leave because my boss is an asshole and there are not enough pretty girls in my workplace…”. This is a question – without doubt – to gauge my skills at bullshitting. I aced it.

3) “If I have something big for you, are you up for it?”
It’s always about something big, ain’t it? And they never tell you what ‘thing’ it is. If I do not know what big thing they’re talking about, how would I know I’m up for it? If you answer ‘yes’, you’re fucked (because you must be desperate and lying). If you answer ‘no’, you’re also fucked (because you’re a lazy sloth for saying ‘no’ before even trying). This is a question with no possible answer unless you’re able to accurately predict the future. It is asked to gauge the interviewee’s cognitive skills. I answered “depends”.

4) “What is your strength?”
Another ‘feel good’ question. It is not to be taken literally. Reason is, it does not matter if you think you’re strong in some areas, because ‘strength’ has no limits, and is very subjective. You may think you’re strong in your own perspective but you’ll always be weak in some assholes’ eyes. This question is asked to gauge how delusional you are about yourself, which could subsequently be translated to a question whether the interviewer needs another massive douche bag in his/her organization. I answered ‘my versatility’. It means, “I’m your whore if you want me to.” I think it’s a great answer.

5) “What is your greatest achievement?”
Like (1), I’ve been asked this in all my interviews. I think this is the only question that is to be taken literally. This is like a bonus for them, if there’s anything extra good that comes with your employment. Just like how your mom would ask a vegetable seller if that catty of spinach comes with a free piece of ginger, or your dad asking a prostitute if the fuck job comes with a free backrub. If you’ve not been shirking too much at work, you should have something to say. I have.

*****

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

michaelooi  | experiences  | 9 Comments
June 24, 2010

KFC

At KFC with a friend. A fatass Malay lady was manning the counter,

Fatass: “Goodmorningsir howmayIhelpyou?”

Me: “Hi, I would like to have a….”

I wanted to order the KFC ‘Snack Plate’ set – which is a set of 2 piece chicken that comes with a regular sized soft drink – but I was cut off by that fast talking fatass Malay lady before I could even finish my order…

Fatass: “Havinghere or takeaway?”

Me: “Errr, having here… and…”

I wanted to continue my order, but was again cut off by that fatass Malay lady.

Fatass: “Original or spicy?”

Me: “Spicy. Errr… let me repeat my order…”

I attempted to order for the third time, and again, fatass Malay chick did not let me finish,

Fatass: “Any sideordersforyousir?”

That was when I snapped.

Me: “CAN YOU JUST LET ME ORDER GODDAMNIT??”

She was taken aback by my sudden display of hostility (probably didn’t even realize that I was pissed off) and for the first time, she allowed me to finish my order

Me: “Snack plate, spicy, having here, and a set of that cheese wedges there, got it??”

Fatass: “Wouldyoulike to have a drinkwiththat?”

Me: “Doesn’t your Snack Plate set come with a regular sized soft drink?? Did you hear my orders right??”

Fatass: “Well, that’s because we do serve 2 piece chickens without drinks.”

Me: “Then it wouldn’t be called a ‘Snack Plate’ set, would it?? Maybe you should just learn how to listen!”

If hitting someone for being stupid is legal, I would have pummeled that fatass Malay chick right there and then. Damn fucking waste of oxygen.

To give you an idea how fucking dumb this fatass Malay chick is, the friend who got served after me also had some stuck up with her. Apparently, she could not figure out the correct change for my friend after she was paid 20 bucks for a RM14.80 bill. She first used a calculator and then stood there looking utterly confused before bolting off to ask for a bailout from her manager. My friend was however, kind enough to holler at her the amount she should give back, which she immediately lighted up like a bulb and gave him the change.

Unbelievable, I know. People like her should be jobless. Or maybe take the place of the lab test animals in Penang or something.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 15 Comments
June 21, 2010

tribal man

I saw a program on TV the other day about the lives of group of tribal people in some remote part in Africa. In any other time, it would have been just another program on TV for me, but the recent spate of job seeking efforts have made me plunge in such low state of mind, that I started to wonder how different it would have been if I were to be one of the tribal dudes dancing half naked like jackasses, totally oblivious to all the fuck ups in the world…

I can come up with at least 10 reasons, why being a tribal man is better than a modern man:

1) A tribal man does not depend on the economy to survive. At any given time, a tribal man only needs to tend to his livestock because everything revolves around his livestock. He gets food, status and respect by having healthy and more livestock. A modern man has to please people he doesn’t like, do things he hates and waste the life he treasures to gain a small place in the huge ass society that runs everything related to his life, which totally depends on the mood of the economy.

2) The chicks in a tribal man’s community are already naked. That’s like, 50% work already done for. No surprises (cellulite, excessive dimples, varicose veins, etc). A modern man has to go through a painful process of courtship, spending shitloads amount of money and effort to obtain enough trust, only to get a first glimpse of his mate’s naked body, which is usually full of unexpected surprises (big bush, bad BO, huge ass lovehandles, et al)

3) When a tribal man wants a land or a house, he only needs a machete and a hoe to get the job done. Just clear the jungle and the land’s his. Get some straw, build himself a house of any size. If he needs to expand his land to fit more livestock, just hoe the place up. A modern man has to regurgitate a sum of deposit, secure a lifetime’s loan and pay his ass off for that mortgage possibly for the rest of his life – just to get a place to live.

4) A tribal man does not have transport problems. He goes around by running and if anything comes into his path, he’d spear the shit out of that thing (lion, hyena, etc). If he has many kids, his kids run with him. A modern man has to go through the almost similarly painful process of getting a house to buy a decent motor transport, and contend with fuckloads of idiots blocking his way to go ANYWHERE for the most of his life (known as ‘traffic jam’). If he ever gets more kids later in his life, he has to repeat the process for a BIGGER VEHICLE and contend with more fuck ups.

5) If a tribal man wants a girl to be his wife, he just needs to give some livestock to the girl’s father, and he’d get the girl. He needs not to impress anyone with his looks, his dress code, or his table manners. He just need to have enough livestock, anyone will give him credit for that. A modern man needs to look good, be reasonably rich enough and have a good personality to get someone interested in him, and use his skills to impress the girl’s parents and satisfy their every whim to get the whole thing to work, before he could even mention about getting married.

6) When a tribal man’s in trouble, there’s nothing the witch doctor couldn’t fix. Just cut up one of the cows or goats, let the village witch doctor probe its intestines to predict the magnitude of the fuck up and determine how many more cows/goats are needed to be sacrificed to even up the odds, then dance around like an idiot and you’re off. When a modern man’s in trouble, it usually means more trouble (depression, alcoholism, divorce, more money for doctors/consultants/shrinks etc)

7) A tribal man kills his nemesis, he becomes a hero. He gets to commemorate the heroic event with a cool tattoo and honorary dance from his drinking buddies. If a modern man kills his nemesis (his boss, backstabbers, office bitch, etc) or anyone, he goes to prison for the rest of his life and gets non-permanent tattoos from blunt meat shafts up his ass in there.

8) A tribal man does not have problems with his dress code. He can walk naked anywhere he wants. If he chooses to wear a holim, he can coolly kill a buffalo for it. A modern man has to worry about what he is suppose to wear for different kinds of occasion. If he ever gets naked in public, he gets beaten up, goes to prison and gets non-permanent tattoos from blunt meat shafts up his ass in there.

9) Vanity is not an issue for a tribal man because everyone’s ugly. A tribal man may occasionally need a tattoo or piercing to complement his ego, but there’s nothing a village elder can’t fix. If a modern man is ugly, short, fat or not intelligent enough, he will be cast aside in the society, discriminated and gets very little attention unless he earns enough money to buy himself what others can’t afford to buy.

10) A tribal man gets healthier by tending his everyday needs. He gets ample exercises by running to commute, working on his livestock to feed himself and his family, or dancing with the guys to pray for a better harvest. A modern man gets out of shape, his arteries clogged, his blood pressure shot up and his organs expired by sitting around getting all the tension, just to earn enough money to feed himself and his family. He then has to spend more money to fix his health up (doctors, gym, etc) to be able to do that all over again.

*****

Being a tribal man simply means less worry, don’t you think?

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 6 Comments
June 16, 2010

job interview

Had my first job interview in years yesterday. It didn’t go very well. Everything was so wrong yesterday, it was as if some supreme being was trying to fuck with me. Let me summarize the whole thing in point form:

– I wasn’t given info about the job, just the title and a call for an interview.
Long story. I got a mail-in help to deposit my resume at the company, didn’t apply for a specific post. Then I received a call from the HR a week ago, asked me to attend an interview for a position with a somewhat misleading (as I found out) title. Turned out to be something I didn’t expect (out of my league) and for the first time in my life for a long time, I felt like a complete dolt.

– It was raining cats and dogs at the time of interview.
The company was located at some bumfuck location I wasn’t familiar with, the rain couldn’t have came at a worse time. The GPS could only help me so much in locating the place, I had to look for the entrance at the massive site under a blanket of heavy downfall. The lack of parking space made the whole experience even worse.

– A jerkoff security guard was sore and tried to fuck with me.
I eventually found a parking space, but I was lost in locating the entrance after alighting from the car. Saw a security guard ambling by and asked him for direction. The fucker turned hostile and yelled at me:
“Why did you park your car here??”
“Why not?”
“You are not allowed to park here!”
“Then where should I park?”
“Out on the streets, elsewhere!”
I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but I decided to walk off because I did not feel like doing it. He then hollered to another guard to get me to move my car (because he couldn’t make me do it) but his colleague just gestured him to shut the fuck up and proceeded to point me to the entrance.

– I was put in a H1N1 quarantine room for 15 mins.
Bizarre yes, but apparently, that was the only room available for use at the time. There was this big ass note outside the room stating “Influenza A (H1N1) Quarantine Room”, and I was put in there for 15 minutes (the interviewers were late). The worst thing is, there was a big glass pane overlooking the corridor, which made me conspicuously visible to every passerby, who probably thinks I have H1N1.

– I was interviewed by 2 highly technical personnel.
The most dreaded form of interview – a panel of multi interviewers shooting you left and right. I was grilled/toasted for 45 minutes by Jack Bauer and his Jack Bauer clone assistant. It was the most uncomfortable experience ever, because the 2 guys were really hard to impress – due to the fact that their company is doing way more advanced stuff than Company X. (I was like, a wildebeest interviewing for a soft porn protagonist job). I don’t think I’m gonna get the job. If I do, Arafat will rise from his grave and perform a ketchup dance.

– I was shot at by a policeman and paralyzed from my left nut right.
I made this up. But even if this were to happen, it couldn’t have made any difference to my spoilt day.

I know now, why people fucking hate job interviews.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 14 Comments
June 14, 2010

don’t be such a dick

A high ranking colleague decided to leave the company and one of his honchos organized a farewell lunch for him. When I agreed to attend the lunch, another colleague became somewhat bewildered, and asked me this

“That guy is a consummate asshole, you sure you want to attend his farewell lunch?”

He made it sound as if I was going to volunteer myself to sail to Gaza.

Sure enough, the guy who is leaving isn’t exactly the nicest guy, and I believe I have also ranted quite a number of times overtly about him being the biggest asshole. But they’re just rants and I didn’t take them personal. Him being an asshole is not a reason for me to be such a dick about everything. That’s why I decided to attend the farewell lunch, to give him a sincere farewell. It’s all about being matured, diplomatic in the business and being right. This is what I replied to that bewildered colleague:

“It is just a fucking lunch. If it means to make someone feel good, and to have even the most remote possibility of him looking out for you in the future, then it is still better than you being holed up in the office doing nothing because you think he’s an asshole.”

I guess the key idea here is – not to burn your bridges. If you’re going to scorn every asshole you meet, then you have the whole world to scorn including yourself because everyone’s an asshole. If you have a bad opinion about someone, just keep it within yourself (or if you can’t help it, rant to your friends or whatever). But know that you’ve got to move on and get back into the business. You’ll never know if the very same asshole you scorn would help you get back on your feet if you ever fall one day.

Let me share a real life lesson which is pretty fucked up recently. Remember I blogged about a guy called Glottis? Well, for the record, I never liked that guy (duh). Not because he’s an asshole, but because I think he’s a queer. I feel dirty even with him standing a few feet away from me. But despite his shortcomings of being the most pondan dweeb in Company X, he’s also one of the most successful one. He’s a high ranking manager now, while I’m still a low level fucker who’s about to lose my fucking job. See?

Now comes the real deal – I’ve been searching for a job for close to 3 weeks now. 30 over applications, zero interview. One day, Glottis dropped by and offered me an opportunity to work with an MNC which is about as big as Company X. And he’s the only one who voluntarily offered! I didn’t even know how to feel grateful for him, especially after I remembered myself threatening to drag him outside the factory to beat him up like a bitch many years ago. It is a really difficult situation for me. But karma’s a fucking bitch, it has to be Glottis of all the people I have professionally acquainted with.

This goes on to prove that opportunities do not often come sugar coated for your convenience (just like how USA managed to get a draw with England) – lesson to bring home at the end of the day.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 4 Comments