I’ve been to 2 more interviews as of last week, a total of 3 interviews. I am beginning to see a trend here, on the things they tend to ask during an interview…

1) “Tell me about yourself.” / “How would you describe yourself”.
I’ve been asked this in all my interviews. Like duh. I think this is more like a ‘feel good’ question because obviously, the interviewers already knew more or less about me through my resume etc. They’re asking me this to gauge how confident I am about myself and how much of an asshole I am.

2) “Why do you leave your current job?”
It is as if they do not believe what I’ve written in my resume/application form. I mean, if I were to have a real grouse with my existing company/job, what makes them think that I’d be honest about it with them? Like “Oh I decided to leave because my boss is an asshole and there are not enough pretty girls in my workplace…”. This is a question – without doubt – to gauge my skills at bullshitting. I aced it.

3) “If I have something big for you, are you up for it?”
It’s always about something big, ain’t it? And they never tell you what ‘thing’ it is. If I do not know what big thing they’re talking about, how would I know I’m up for it? If you answer ‘yes’, you’re fucked (because you must be desperate and lying). If you answer ‘no’, you’re also fucked (because you’re a lazy sloth for saying ‘no’ before even trying). This is a question with no possible answer unless you’re able to accurately predict the future. It is asked to gauge the interviewee’s cognitive skills. I answered “depends”.

4) “What is your strength?”
Another ‘feel good’ question. It is not to be taken literally. Reason is, it does not matter if you think you’re strong in some areas, because ‘strength’ has no limits, and is very subjective. You may think you’re strong in your own perspective but you’ll always be weak in some assholes’ eyes. This question is asked to gauge how delusional you are about yourself, which could subsequently be translated to a question whether the interviewer needs another massive douche bag in his/her organization. I answered ‘my versatility’. It means, “I’m your whore if you want me to.” I think it’s a great answer.

5) “What is your greatest achievement?”
Like (1), I’ve been asked this in all my interviews. I think this is the only question that is to be taken literally. This is like a bonus for them, if there’s anything extra good that comes with your employment. Just like how your mom would ask a vegetable seller if that catty of spinach comes with a free piece of ginger, or your dad asking a prostitute if the fuck job comes with a free backrub. If you’ve not been shirking too much at work, you should have something to say. I have.

*****

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Had my first job interview in years yesterday. It didn’t go very well. Everything was so wrong yesterday, it was as if some supreme being was trying to fuck with me. Let me summarize the whole thing in point form:

- I wasn’t given info about the job, just the title and a call for an interview.
Long story. I got a mail-in help to deposit my resume at the company, didn’t apply for a specific post. Then I received a call from the HR a week ago, asked me to attend an interview for a position with a somewhat misleading (as I found out) title. Turned out to be something I didn’t expect (out of my league) and for the first time in my life for a long time, I felt like a complete dolt.

- It was raining cats and dogs at the time of interview.
The company was located at some bumfuck location I wasn’t familiar with, the rain couldn’t have came at a worse time. The GPS could only help me so much in locating the place, I had to look for the entrance at the massive site under a blanket of heavy downfall. The lack of parking space made the whole experience even worse.

- A jerkoff security guard was sore and tried to fuck with me.
I eventually found a parking space, but I was lost in locating the entrance after alighting from the car. Saw a security guard ambling by and asked him for direction. The fucker turned hostile and yelled at me:
“Why did you park your car here??”
“Why not?”
“You are not allowed to park here!”
“Then where should I park?”
“Out on the streets, elsewhere!”
I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but I decided to walk off because I did not feel like doing it. He then hollered to another guard to get me to move my car (because he couldn’t make me do it) but his colleague just gestured him to shut the fuck up and proceeded to point me to the entrance.

- I was put in a H1N1 quarantine room for 15 mins.
Bizarre yes, but apparently, that was the only room available for use at the time. There was this big ass note outside the room stating “Influenza A (H1N1) Quarantine Room”, and I was put in there for 15 minutes (the interviewers were late). The worst thing is, there was a big glass pane overlooking the corridor, which made me conspicuously visible to every passerby, who probably thinks I have H1N1.

- I was interviewed by 2 highly technical personnel.
The most dreaded form of interview – a panel of multi interviewers shooting you left and right. I was grilled/toasted for 45 minutes by Jack Bauer and his Jack Bauer clone assistant. It was the most uncomfortable experience ever, because the 2 guys were really hard to impress – due to the fact that their company is doing way more advanced stuff than Company X. (I was like, a wildebeest interviewing for a soft porn protagonist job). I don’t think I’m gonna get the job. If I do, Arafat will rise from his grave and perform a ketchup dance.

- I was shot at by a policeman and paralyzed from my left nut right.
I made this up. But even if this were to happen, it couldn’t have made any difference to my spoilt day.

I know now, why people fucking hate job interviews.