May 25, 2010

princess

*I am too free at work today. Feel like writing*

If you have a daughter of your own, then you probably might have heard of ‘Disney Princess’. If you don’t, well, it’s basically Disney’s franchised group of selected good looking Disney female characters from its popular range of animated movies. They are
– Cinderella from ‘Cinderella’
– Snow White from ‘Snow White’
– Ariel from ‘The Little Mermaid’
– Jasmine from ‘Aladdin’
– Pocahontas from ‘Pocahontas’
– Belle from ‘Beauty and the Beast’

Might have left out one or two, but that’s what I know.

My Regine is about to celebrate her 4th birthday soon at her nursery, and we brought her along to pick her favorite cake design yesterday. As expected, she picked ‘Belle’ amongst the bunch of princesses, simply because Belle was the only one who wears a yellow dress, which is her favorite color.

And then it got me thinking, what if I were given the privilege to pick one of the princesses for myself (you know…)? Who would I choose? For me, it wouldn’t be as simple as to pick the one who wears my favorite color, because daddy has a different agenda when it comes to selecting girls. So who would I choose? Let’s assess…

Cinderella
Good looks, handy housekeeper, and pleasant demeanor. Good singing voice thrown in as a bonus. But her animal friends (especially the mice) are going to be a drag though. The animals are going to mess up the house with piss and poo all over, and I know I won’t be able to put up with that and the possibility of contracting rabies. I’d also hate to have those animals looking at me like I’m a goddamn gladiator cum entertainer when I’m porking Cinderella.

Snow White
Well, she’s a known handy housekeeper too. That is probably the only good thing about her. Her tacky name’s definitely gonna be embarrassing, coupled with the daunting possibility of people asking if she might have been shagged by those filthy miner dwarves. But that’s not the main cockblock. The main cockblock would have to be her fucking annoying shrilly voice. Man it’s going to creep the fuck out of me. I’m sure no one would be able to stand her spontaneous break into bad singing, which no doubt would lead to a possible homicide (if not suicide).

Ariel
Flat chested, scrawny, lower half a fish. If I hook up with her, it will be the bizarrest shit ever. I’m going to be the talk of the town. I can’t imagine how our sex life would be. My dick’s going to get all these scratches (and infections) from chafing her scaly vagina, and the salty sea water’s going to make the pain unbearable. And if I ever make her unhappy, her beefcakey father of hers is going to make sure I’m a dead meat by shoving my ass with that giant trident of his.

Jasmine
I don’t remember seeing her do any housework before (from the movie). From her lushy eyebrows and thick hair, I reckon she also has an unshaved thick bush as well (probably even armpit hairs). Well that’s going to be a turn off. I hate to imagine the experience of deflowering her the first time will be like trying to spelunk a cave overgrown with thick black moss. Probably going to find ticks as big as a camel’s testicle inside, no shit.

Pocahontas
Too serious-y face. Having to put up with the grim fact of having tribals as your in-laws. Superstitious as hell. Has the tendency to hear inanimate objects talk. That could lead to some really weird situation like: “The wall just told me that you watched some porn when I was away yesterday, care to explain?”. She’s likely going to be sleazy as well – having living in a jungle with animals all her life.

Belle
Handy housekeeper, good looking, well endowed. The only thing about her is the fact that she digs bestiality. If she can’t find an animal to have sex with, she’s probably going to be very demanding in sex. She would want her sex to be aggressive, probably venturing a little into the territory of sadomasochism as well, if not a threesome with your neighbor’s Labrador.

*****

If I have to choose one anyway with a gun in my head, I’d likely go for Jasmine. I’d invest in a high quality electric shaver, pay the service of a skin specialist (to get rid of her crabs) and hire a fucking maid, to put up with her shortcomings.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 

12 Comments to “princess”

  1. ShaolinTiger says:

    Like yourself some sweet chocolate eh? Hahaha.

  2. Caroline says:

    What about Aurora from ‘Sleeping Beauty’? :D

  3. Tan Yee Hou says:

    Hey dude you got to remember that Jasmine has a tiger man wtf.

  4. doc says:

    Mike : “Hubba hubba hubba…”

    Aurora : “ZzzzZzzzZzzz…”

  5. michaelooi says:

    ShaolinTiger – Oh yeah bebeh

    Caroline – See doc’s answer above.

    Yee Hou – Now you know what my favorite animal is…

    doc – Great men think alike

  6. vincent says:

    The added bonus is that Jasmine has a filthy RICH father who is pretty stupid and is easy to con.

  7. Caroline says:

    HAHAHAHAHA! nice one.

  8. auyongtc says:

    Now we all know why you were so agreeable to sit beside Regine throughout Disney princess movies :p

  9. michaelooi says:

    vincent – Well, most of the chicks in the list have rich fathers… so…

    auyong – Duh!

  10. Calvin Tan says:

    Hey Mike, how about the pontianak from the movie pontianak? She’s a princess too, you know.

  11. michaelooi says:

    I guess you could have watched a Disney production called ‘Pontianak’ before. So was it good?

  12. Han says:

    LOL! If it had to be somebody, it will be Jasmine eh?
    Careful, you don’t want Aladdin to come knocking at the door one night with the lamp in his hand wishing you were deep in Ariel humping for the love of your life! Oh the painful pleasure of fishy entanglements.

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