Archive for May, 2010

May 27, 2010

epic fail

Say you go out for lunch with 3 of your buddies. All of you ordered the same type of drink, and the total came to RM7.20. Since being a miser is pretty much the main theme of your group, each of you decided to go Dutch and pay separately. So, now the question is – how much do you reckon each of you have to pay?

It’s just simple arithmetic really. But for a bunch of well dressed good looking young women I saw at lunch today, it was a problem. They couldn’t seem to figure it out. It was at this seedy coffee shop place, and they were served by a rather loud old man (you know, being in this kind of trade for so many years). The old man brought them 4 glasses of iced lime juice, and quoted them RM7.20. Almost instantly, all the 4 of them went brain dead and hung for approximately a few seconds, before one of them mustered some guts to ask the old man this

“So… uncle, how much for each glass of these?”

The lady thought her charm could save her from this predicament of utter stupidity, but little did she know that the old man, with his long retired libido and bitten numb with old age, doesn’t have the slight of interest to be blithe with a no brainer like her. So quite predictably, the old man shot her down scornfully…

“Aiyoo! RM1.80 per glass lah!”

My respect for that old man immediately shot up a couple dozens of notches. If I were to be that girl, or any of them for that matter, I would probably bury my head in the nearest toilet bowl, and flush until I die. It was so damn embarrassing. I was thinking, there you are – dressing up like you’re so damn sophisticated like that, and act like the whole world’s giving you the only attention, only to be shot down by a coffee shop helper, who seems to be better at arithmetic than your phony ass.

If this is not an epic fail, then I don’t know what is. (epic win for old man)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 8 Comments
May 25, 2010

princess

*I am too free at work today. Feel like writing*

If you have a daughter of your own, then you probably might have heard of ‘Disney Princess’. If you don’t, well, it’s basically Disney’s franchised group of selected good looking Disney female characters from its popular range of animated movies. They are
– Cinderella from ‘Cinderella’
– Snow White from ‘Snow White’
– Ariel from ‘The Little Mermaid’
– Jasmine from ‘Aladdin’
– Pocahontas from ‘Pocahontas’
– Belle from ‘Beauty and the Beast’

Might have left out one or two, but that’s what I know.

My Regine is about to celebrate her 4th birthday soon at her nursery, and we brought her along to pick her favorite cake design yesterday. As expected, she picked ‘Belle’ amongst the bunch of princesses, simply because Belle was the only one who wears a yellow dress, which is her favorite color.

And then it got me thinking, what if I were given the privilege to pick one of the princesses for myself (you know…)? Who would I choose? For me, it wouldn’t be as simple as to pick the one who wears my favorite color, because daddy has a different agenda when it comes to selecting girls. So who would I choose? Let’s assess…

Cinderella
Good looks, handy housekeeper, and pleasant demeanor. Good singing voice thrown in as a bonus. But her animal friends (especially the mice) are going to be a drag though. The animals are going to mess up the house with piss and poo all over, and I know I won’t be able to put up with that and the possibility of contracting rabies. I’d also hate to have those animals looking at me like I’m a goddamn gladiator cum entertainer when I’m porking Cinderella.

Snow White
Well, she’s a known handy housekeeper too. That is probably the only good thing about her. Her tacky name’s definitely gonna be embarrassing, coupled with the daunting possibility of people asking if she might have been shagged by those filthy miner dwarves. But that’s not the main cockblock. The main cockblock would have to be her fucking annoying shrilly voice. Man it’s going to creep the fuck out of me. I’m sure no one would be able to stand her spontaneous break into bad singing, which no doubt would lead to a possible homicide (if not suicide).

Ariel
Flat chested, scrawny, lower half a fish. If I hook up with her, it will be the bizarrest shit ever. I’m going to be the talk of the town. I can’t imagine how our sex life would be. My dick’s going to get all these scratches (and infections) from chafing her scaly vagina, and the salty sea water’s going to make the pain unbearable. And if I ever make her unhappy, her beefcakey father of hers is going to make sure I’m a dead meat by shoving my ass with that giant trident of his.

Jasmine
I don’t remember seeing her do any housework before (from the movie). From her lushy eyebrows and thick hair, I reckon she also has an unshaved thick bush as well (probably even armpit hairs). Well that’s going to be a turn off. I hate to imagine the experience of deflowering her the first time will be like trying to spelunk a cave overgrown with thick black moss. Probably going to find ticks as big as a camel’s testicle inside, no shit.

Pocahontas
Too serious-y face. Having to put up with the grim fact of having tribals as your in-laws. Superstitious as hell. Has the tendency to hear inanimate objects talk. That could lead to some really weird situation like: “The wall just told me that you watched some porn when I was away yesterday, care to explain?”. She’s likely going to be sleazy as well – having living in a jungle with animals all her life.

Belle
Handy housekeeper, good looking, well endowed. The only thing about her is the fact that she digs bestiality. If she can’t find an animal to have sex with, she’s probably going to be very demanding in sex. She would want her sex to be aggressive, probably venturing a little into the territory of sadomasochism as well, if not a threesome with your neighbor’s Labrador.

*****

If I have to choose one anyway with a gun in my head, I’d likely go for Jasmine. I’d invest in a high quality electric shaver, pay the service of a skin specialist (to get rid of her crabs) and hire a fucking maid, to put up with her shortcomings.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 12 Comments
May 24, 2010

of fuel and common sense

Caught this in the news today.

[source]
Malaysians consume more fuel
PETALING JAYA: Malaysians are one of the highest fuel consumers in the region where even price increases have not deterred motorists.

Since 2004, they have consumed more than 400 litres per capita annually, which is much more than Singapore, Thailand, Indonesia, China and India. Singapore, which was ranked second among the list of six countries, only consumed 250 litres per capita in 2007.

India and China consumed under 50 litres per capita in 2007, according to data collated from the Finance Ministry, Domestic Trade, Cooperatives and Consumerism Ministry, International Energy Agency and Global Insight.

Even with fuel prices at its highest in mid-2008, when petrol was at RM2.70 and diesel at RM2.58 per litre, consumption still grew by 8% annually and almost 20 billion litres are expected to be consumed by the end of 2010.

As Malaysia practises a blanket subsidy on fuel, data made available to the Performance Management and Delivery Unit (Pemandu) subsidy rationalisation lab showed that 71% of fuel subsidy was enjoyed by the middle to high-income level groups.

Some 28% of those enjoying fuel subsidy earn more than RM5,000 per month, while 43% earned between RM2,500 and RM5,000.

Abuse of liquid petroleum gas (LPG), or cooking gas, has also contributed to an inflated subsidy bill. Some RM1.71bil was spent on subsidising LPG, to which only RM397mil or 30% are used by households.

It is believed that the rest of the LPG had been misused for commercial purposes or smuggled abroad.

The same issue affects cooking oil, where 70,000 tonnes are subsidised monthly but only about 70% are consumed by households.

So first we Malaysians get harped on using too much water – which I believe we have every reason to do so. And now, apparently, we use too much fuel.

You know, it’s funny (in a moronic sense) to see how they made it sound in the article above as if we Malaysians deliberately use/burn more fuel just for the kick of it. Like, we’re trying our best to be the biggest assholes in the eyes of the world by burning more fuel.

If one can use a little bit of common sense, one would realize that the reason an average Malaysian burns more fuel is because – WE DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE! Ask yourself, how many cities in Malaysia have an efficient mass transit system (LRT, monorail, etc)? Only KL and some areas beyond it. A city with inhabitants of roughly 2 million people. That still leaves over 90% of the Malaysian population without the access to a mass transit system. Our Malaysian bus systems are basically next to being useless – so we have to use our own transport (still have to buy one even though it’s 300% overpriced like that). And to top that up, we also have crappy traffic planning (eg: OC given on apartment projects with only 1 parking space) and fucked up tax system on vehicles that makes it impossible to afford a hybrid car.

So, do we like to buy overpriced cars? No. Do we like traffic congestion (due to the crappy traffic planning)? No. Do we like to pay more and spend more on fuel? No. Do we have a fucking choice then? FUCK NO.

This is what we Chinese like to call – kong lan wa. It literally means ‘talk cock’. Give us a choice, then only you get to talk. Otherwise, shut up.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 8 Comments
May 20, 2010

someone to count on

My colleague Milkboy approached me in my cube and asked me this

Milkboy : “You have any idea what’s our registered company name for our Shanghai office? I need to send something to someone urgently…”

Me : “Lemahpukicheebye”.

Milkboy : “Come on man, be serious. Do you know the name?”

Me : “It’s called lemahpukicheebye”.

Milkboy : [looks pissed]

Me : “Just fucking contact the recipient and ask him lah!”

Milkboy : [picks up the phone and calls the recipient]

Problem solved. Some people just have to ask.

FYI, ‘lemahpukicheebye’ roughly means your mom’s cunt in Hokkien (it’s actually just something very vulgar that doesn’t make much sense).

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 5 Comments
May 19, 2010

what to look out when buying an apartment/condo

I have always wanted to write a short guide about buying apartments/properties, but have the reservation to do it. The main reason is, there have been many good guides out there written by savvy professionals who are more experienced than I can ever be (I know nuts about buying/selling properties), and they probably are gonna laugh at my ass for writing craps that they know best. But today, I decided to say ‘fuck them’, and write it anyway, because I have nothing to do at work today. So here you go.

Water pressure.
When you want to buy an apartment/condo, make it a habit to check the water pressure. Water pressure is fucking important. I’ve seen places with water pressure lower than my own piss and it is basically impossible to use a shower at all, especially those with a water heater… unless you get one with a built in pressure pump. Bathing and washing with low water pressure is just the saddest thing ever and you have to make sure you don’t pay for that.

Balcony / main entrance is in a direct line
I think this has to do with fengshui in a scientific aspect, I don’t know. When the balcony is directly opposite the main entrance, it will give an easier path for the air to pass, thus will give the place an ‘airy’ feel and in turn, better ventilation. I’ve been to apartments/condos with poor ventilation, and boy do they stink and musty. And for some weird reason if the apartment/condo you’re looking at does not have a balcony, don’t buy it.

Waste disposal system
Many modern apartments/condos do not come with a garbage chute like what we have in the old days. The tenant will have to dispose the trash at the dump located somewhere out of the apartment compound, which causes the elevator to stink like hell after a period of time. Quite contrary to popular belief that this is the ‘modern way’ to dispose trash, trust me, it is not. The reason for that is cost. It costs more to construct garbage chutes, and also to widen the road for garbage truck access. So to minimize cost and maximize profit, most greedy developers opt for this ‘bring out your own trash’ solution. Not a good idea. If possible, find an apartment/condo with garbage chutes. It is more convenient, and you won’t get to smell other people’s trash in the elevator everyday.

The number of elevators
Enough elevators for your block, that is. I’ve been to an apartment with 2 elevators, but fuckloads of floors and tenants. I had to wait longer than the wait for a public bus just to haul my ass up to the desired floor. And I also hate to smell some assholes or old people with strong BO in the elevator, and the fucking elevator would keep stopping at every goddamn floor just because the block does not have enough elevators. I’d blame this on greedy developers. Make a rough calculation. How many floors and units versus the number of elevators – you’d get the rough idea how many people are going to use the elevator during the peak hour spike.

Proximity of places of worship
I’m going to be honest here – if there’s a mosque, Chinese or Indian temple, church nearby, there’s a high chance that you’re not going to live a peaceful life there. Mosques will wake you up. I lived next to a mosque before, but I had no problem with that because I needed to wake up early and it kinda helped me – but I can’t imagine if I were to have an infant who needs an ample amount of sleep then. It would be catastrophic. Chinese/Indian temple – when they have celebrations like July hungry ghost festival or Thaipusam, you’d get the effect of a hundred mosques combined. And also, you’d get all these incense fumes etc. Church – you’d get assholes parking haphazardly around because they wanted to be with their god and they do it every Sunday just to make sure your weekend is fucked. Ergo, places of worship = troubles. So, in my opinion, it is best that a residential area/building has at least a 2km buffer from ANY place-of-worship. If you believe in god, then you must also believe that his wide-area-network extends beyond that measly 2 – 3km. (he covers the whole planet goddamnit!)

Proximity of a vacant land
A vacant land next to your apartment building is like a sleeping volcano waiting to erupt. Why? You don’t fucking know what are they going to do with that piece of land. If someday someone decides to build a fucking highway through it, there goes your property value. Or a water treatment plant to stink up the air quality (my father in law learnt this lesson before). Or another bigger condo with not enough parking space that causes its tenants to double park the fuck up the entire street. Or even, a place of worship! Your happiness level will be summarized in a 2 syllable word : HAILAT. Look out for those.

Proximity of a school
If you want to have a good life, you should avoid living near a school like a plague. For one, the school buses are going to fuck the air quality up real bad. Secondly, the parents are going to fuck up the traffic, really really bad. Thirdly, the school children are going to fuck up the neighborhood (vandalism, gangsterism, mat-rempitism, etc). If you want to live near a school, make sure the apartment has a helipad and provides free helicopter service to bypass the fucked up traffic with a helicopter – otherwise, it’s not worth considering.

******

That’s about it, the important ones. I’m sure there are many more, which you can read them off the net. But these, are stuff that none of those people are going to tell you. You’ll have to thank me for that.

Related post –
what to look out when buying an apartment/condo – part 2
what to look out when buying an apartment/condo – part 3

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments