Archive for March, 2010

March 31, 2010

moon blocks for your future

The Chinese are the most creative people. Do you know that they actually invented a tool, or rather, a method, to communicate with their gods? (the Chinese have thousands of gods, not only one). The device is called ‘the moon blocks’ (as I learned the English equivalent name from the net). In Chinese, it is called jiǎo bēi (筊杯). But as a child, it was known to me as ‘seng pui’ in Cantonese. (I’m sure most of us Chinese are familiar with that thing, especially 4D punters *wink*)

This pair of ‘moon blocks’ tool is quite simple. It is made of 2 wooden blocks, that looked like a pair of kidneys (our variant). Each block will have one round side, and one flat side. So by tossing the 2 blocks on the ground, it will randomly give out 3 possible results that represents 3 possible answers that can be given by a spirit/god – Haha, Yes and No.

Haha – represented by both blocks with flat side facing upwards. It means that the god/spirit is laughing at your ass because you’re so fucking dumb and stupid

Yes – represented by one block with flat side facing upwards, and the other down. It means ‘yes’ as an answer to your question.

No – represented by both blocks with flat side facing downwards. It means ‘no’ as an answer to your question.

So you can imagine how fun it is when you can communicate with your desired god, deity or dead relative. Just fire a question and you’ll get an answer. Eg.

“Dear god, am I going to get laid tonight?” [toss the moon blocks]

“Come on god. Please be serious. Am I going to get laid tonight?” [toss the moon blocks]

“Is it because I’m not good looking enough?” [toss the moon blocks]

Hoooboy. Reality check confirmed by your god. Cool tool, eh? That’s why when one of my colleagues lamented to me how complicated it was for him when his boss died (in an accident a few weeks ago), I actually suggested him to use a pair of ‘moon blocks’ to communicate with his boss (in modern days, ‘moon blocks’ can also be substituted by 2 coins, or a pair of shoes…)

Boss am I doing a good job? [toss moon blocks]
Boss do you approve to give me a 50% increment this year? [toss moon blocks]
I’m asking you again, do you approve to give me a 50% increment? [toss moon blocks]

Just toss until he says yes. (that’s what the every Chinese do anyway, toss until the desired answer comes up). It’s going to be wicked. If this works, I’m gonna kill my boss tomorrow and use this solid method to climb the corporate ladder.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 3 Comments
March 29, 2010

the pocket plane of 2 worlds

Have you ever met someone who is so incompetent and useless that he can’t even carry out the simplest of task effectively? Simple task like, waiting tables? Well, I have. And I met that guy in Pizza Hut last weekend.

One thing about Pizza Hut – besides serving shitty food, the place is fast becoming a converging point of 2 worlds.
– The world of common folks like you and me,
– and the world of fucked up chodes who can’t seem to do anything else but being useless.

In other words, if you were to patronize a joint of Pizza Hut at any given time, chances of you stumbling into these creatures from another dimension plane will be a few thousand folds higher. That’s because Pizza Hut has the policy of hiring people who are marginally a couple IQ points from being a biological retard.

I went to a Pizza Hut (reluctantly) joint for dinner last weekend because my wife and I intended to spend off the 3 vouchers we had (never would have been there if it weren’t for the vouchers). When we reached there, we were greeted by this fish-eyed lad who had the uncanny resemblance of that Saiful Bukhary something something. He was the one who seated us and took our order.

When I was ready to make my order, I flagged Saiful over and ordered in English. Saiful listened intently, albeit still with that ‘spaced out’ look, until I finished telling him my orders. It was only then, he stuttered out something in BeeEm (Malay) and made me realize that the guy couldn’t understand a word of English! So I had to repeat my order in BeeEm, and again he listened intently, and again at the end, he asked me this (translated from BeeEm)

Saiful: “So, your pizza, do you want a regular sized pizza?”

I actually ordered a combo meal, which includes a regular sized pizza. Had it been a large or small pizza, it would have been a different combo meal.

Me: “I don’t know. You tell me. I ordered this particular combo meal here. What is the pizza size for this combo meal? Can you please check the menu?”

Saiful: “Regular.”

Me: “There you go.”

He had to deliberate for a short while before ambling to the kitchen to place my order. (let’s not even talk about how they got my order wrong…)

So, was that guy high on drugs, or was he simply being incapable of carrying out what his simple job requires? Or is the manager of that joint to blame for putting such incompetent person out in the front line? The guy should be put in the kitchen wiping plates… (but I’d be worried about him stuffing the pizza doughs into his anus).

Whatever it was, it sure wasn’t pleasant. Goddamn.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 10 Comments
March 26, 2010

men and pussies

I was talking to my colleagues about Tiger Woods this morning. I’m sure most of you have heard about his fiasco. If you haven’t, well basically, it was about him cheating on his wife. He had sexual relationship with a dozen (or more) of porn stars and whores. And when his secret was revealed by one of them (whores), he admitted everything, apologized with a somber look and decided to take a break from golfing with plenty of drama and shit.

I was saying, I don’t fucking understand why Tiger had to come out to say he’s sorry and all that. And also why he had to temporary take a break from golfing (although he’s set for a return now). What does having sex rampantly with random partners have to do with golf? Does a golf tournament have a prerequisite of restricting one to have only 1 legit relationship at any given time? Mind boggling.

If I were to be him, I’m going to be all smiley during the press conference, and probably dispensing high fives to all the blokes at the front row. I mean, he’s an adult. If he is man enough to cheat on his wife to have sex with porn stars and whores, for sure he’d be man enough to face the consequences. He shouldn’t have whimpered like a chicken shit and expressed sorrow. Was he sorry when he was humping them whores? I bet not.

He only owes the apology to his wife, and he can always do it privately away from all the attention. But having to cheat on her for whores, well… I’d say he already had an existing relationship problem, otherwise he wouldn’t have done that – so an apology might be unnecessary. As for the media, he should have spit on them – tell them that it’s his private matter and none of their fucking business. Sponsors pull out? Fuck them. The Tiger is rich enough. Besides, being such a stud, he can always solicit for other sponsors like condoms or fragrances for men.

The same goes to that Jack Neo. Such a pussy. It saddens me to see great men like them selling out their self esteem to convince the public that they’re good men after a filthy sex scandal. What a fucking lame and ironic way to ‘control handsome’.

If you can’t take it, then don’t do it. If you decided to do it, then do it all the way, do it like a man.

Oh, by the way – fuck Earth Hour.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 11 Comments
March 23, 2010

Notebook computer myth #2

Myth#2: My notebook has performance issues because its cooling system is not efficient enough. That’s why we need those aftermarket cooling pads.

Bunch of bollocks. If your notebook works for the first week without a problem, then it is good enough – technically – for it to function for the rest of its life. There’s nothing wrong with its heat dissipation system, and you do not need a cooling pad (you know, those docking doohickeys with turbo fans purportedly be able to ‘increase your notebook efficiency’).

Most of the time, your notebook overheats and succumbs to performance issues because
a) you’re such a fucking sleazebag
b) you’re trying too hard to be cute

90% of the time, notebooks overheat because of clogged heatsink fins. Your fan sucks air from the very space you are in like a vacuum cleaner and blows out the hot air (concept of heat dissipation in a notebook), and because a notebook typically does not have an air filter, everything gets drawn in. That’s why you get clogged fins, usually with stuff like dust, lint, pubic hairs and what nots. (yes, I have seen them)

Don’t believe me? Check out the photos in the following links (I took the pictures).

When the fins get clogged, basically, the heat dissipation efficiency drops (depending on how much heat gets trapped). In the cases of both pictures above, basically nothing gets blown out. That’s why installing a cooling pad will not help. There’s only so much air gets blown out of the clogged fins. So, what happens next is quite predictable in such cases. The fan’s going to spin like mad (usually noisy), and eventually, the whole system will shut down (before everything gets toasted – it’s a safety feature). But not before experiencing major temp rise all over your keyboard and palmrest, occasionally sets off panic in some paranoid end users.

There was once, a girl in my office went around the company to look for someone to solve her notebook’s performance issues and someone in the management recommended me. It took me only 5 minutes to diagnose the whole thing with a screwdriver. She was flabbergasted when I asked her this “Say, miss… do you happen to have a purple mattress or blanket that you particularly fond of?”. She thought I was a humsup stalker or some sort until I explained the wad of purple lint cum pubic hair that was lodged in between her notebook fins, which was the main cause of the performance ‘issues’ she encountered. What an experience, eh?

So how do being a sleaze and trying to be cute come into the picture?
Aaaa… ask yourself, if the air is filled with so much dust and filth, then either you must be a consummate sleazebag for not cleaning up your workspace regularly, or you’re trying to be cute (and a moron) by using your notebook on the mattress or bed – like most teenage farts (and sadly in some cases, adults too) like to do. You know, lolling around in bed IM-ing their retarded chatroom buddies. (Just like that girl in my office with the fetish for purple mattress/blanket).

So how do we counter this? Well, you can’t prevent this from happening, but however, you can actually delay this until say, your notebook gets out-dated or something… by adhering to following suggested practices
1. Use your notebook in an air conditioned room. Preferably, one with an individual air conditioner. Individual air conditioners have built-in filters, the air is therefore cleaner. The cold air helps to reduce temperature faster, reducing the frequency of needing the fan to suck air to dissipate heat.
2. Always place your notebook in a clean, hard and flat surface (glass, marble, etc). This is to maximize the heat dissipation efficiency. Bed and soft surfaces tend to trap dust/particles, and they tend to block the vents from sucking in ample amount of air.
3. Clean your workplace at least once a day. Get your maid or wife to do it for you if you’re useless.
4. Use anti-dandruff shampoo.
5. Know your sex partners. If any of them gives you hygiene problems or even crabs, you’re going to get pubic hair loss, which might clog your heatsink fins.
6. Refrain from using your notebook near animals with fur. (Persian cats, Shihtzu dogs, Himalayan Yaks, etc)
7. If you know how to dismantle your notebook without breaking anything, you can also opt to take out your heatsink once a few months to clean it.
8. It also kinda helps if you’re bald.

Can’t think of anything more… but you get the idea.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 16 Comments
March 22, 2010


Felt like expressing myself this morning…

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 11 Comments