Archive for February, 2010

February 8, 2010

this is so gay

This is so gay.

Yes, I am referring to the picture on the left. In case you can’t tell what it is, it’s a gift hamper. It is from my mom’s ‘godson’. No I’ve never met him before, but from the way my mom described him, he’s got to be the gayest guy ever. Mom said he is the most polite ‘boy’ she’s ever met, kind, obedient and most important thing of all, he gives my mom a hamper every year during the CNY. My mom is so all over him, that gay of a godson of hers.

First of all, who the hell gives out gift hampers during CNY? If that isn’t the gayest thing ever. Gift hampers are extravagant, attention seeking and they’re usually fucking cheap because they encompass of unwanted or expiring goods – that makes it gay enough. Why can’t that ‘boy’ just bring over a bottle of wine, or perhaps a can of cookies? Nice and simple, just a gesture of goodwill. That oughtta do. Nobody’s going to mind. Why has it got to be a gaudy, cheap fucking hamper? I really don’t understand. He’d just drop off the damn thing, and ask to leave. And he’d do it every year, like he’s paying a 10 minutes pilgrimage to a gay totem pole (my mom). That’s just gay.

And then, who the hell adopts a godmother? I understand that this could be a normal thing for girls, but a guy?? Come on man, that’s just too gay. A milksop that hasn’t got enough mother, but asks for a second one. That’s not normal. What’s even more abnormal, is that my mom isn’t exactly an affable person to begin with. You see, my mom adopted this queer at her ex-company, which was also the subcontractor for Company X (where I work). I personally knew a few engineers there, and when I asked them about my mom, they’d tell me

“Dude, no offense but, your mom is quite a bitch”

I’d respond them with something like this “Thanks. I totally know what you’re talking about. Just bear with her. You can do it. Be strong.”

And that’s not even a joke. My mom’s possibly the most difficult person ever to walk on the soil of Penang. She is like North Korea. She’d shut everything else out and she’d go hostile on everyone. That is not the kind of person you’d want to become your godparent. Hell, I could have adopted a plate of greasy chicken rice as my godmother and would have gotten way more value out of it (if that’s what everyone’s looking for out of that stupid ass ‘god-relationship’).

Things that I don’t understand. Just get real people. Don’t ever give out hampers. Or adopt a god-something. It is so very the fucking gay.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 13 Comments
February 3, 2010

freaky morning at the pump

A very freaky morning – that’s what I had today. I was at the station to refuel my car, when a super ugly fat lady came ambling over to where I was, and asked me this

“Is it working?”

She was looking at the credit card machine at the pump when she was saying that. No she was not looking at my cock.

“Oh, the machine? I don’t know. I haven’t tried yet. I’m going to try now.”

“Well, the machine’s down. I had to pay at the counter inside.”

There wasn’t any sign or indication that the credit card machines were offline, which they usually would when that happens.

“You mean, all the machines are down? Or just the one at the pump you’re using?”

“All of them. You need to pay inside.”

“Ok, thanks for telling. But I’m going try it anyway. If it really doesn’t work, I’ll pay inside”

“No, just go pay inside. The machines are down.”

She started to get very pressing and I started to feel really annoyed.

“Ok, like I said, let me try the machine first.”

“No no no… pay inside. Just go in there and pay.”

That was when I snapped.

“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FUCKING BITCH!” and I threatened to punch her. She then dashed to her car, and took out a wooden baseball bat. I responded by prancing around with the praying mantis styled kungfu (popularly known in the elite sparring circle as ‘The Puchong Alarm Installertion’ maneuver), and that was when she foolishly charged forward with the bat. I took hold of her hand with my monkey grip and wrestled the evil bat away from her hand, and flung the damn thing away while punching her with the other free hand of mine. Then I sealed the deal with a round house kick to her skull, which knocked her out cold.

Alright, that was just some wild imagination. I obviously had someone in mind when I was writing that. But the whole thing was true up until when I got annoyed with her persistent badgering, to which, I had to reply her like SIX FUCKING TIMES, that I would like to try out the credit fucking card machine first, before she would finally leave me alone. I swear man, I was very close to yelling at her and show her what ‘The Puchong Alarm Installertion’ maneuver could do to her…

Freakiest morning I ever had. (for the record, there wasn’t anything wrong with the machine).

michaelooi  | experiences  | 15 Comments
February 2, 2010

fat and stupid

Say, if you’re fat and ugly, full of pimples and blackheads, what do you reckon that you could do to uplift your self confidence and have a place in the society?
A) Strive to be knowledgeable, and be smarter than everyone else to gain respect.
B) Work on the personality, because personality goes a long way.
C) Commit suicide, because all corpses are ugly and everyone’s at the level playing field.
D) Go to a religious medium and pay him 2000 bucks to magically transform yourself into a good looking person.

Well hell, as unbelievable as it may sound, somebody actually chose D and ended up being in the news today…

[source]
Woman’s quest to look beautiful fails, cops nab medium
KUALA TERENGGANU: If something is too good to be true, it probably is.

A 33-year-old woman learnt it the hard way after a medium pro­mised to make her the prettiest woman in town in just one month through traditional treatment.

The woman from Seberang Takir, who was also on the plump side, paid a deposit of RM250 to the medium who promised her a slimmer figure.

“The victim was requested to attend several sessions of the treatment, and each time, she had to pay a fee.

“She had forked out a total of RM2,250 for his services since the beginning of last month,” said state Commercial Crime chief Superintendent Azmi Adam.

During the course of the treatment, she was not allowed to look at herself in the mirror for the “magic” formula to work.

The victim, who was self-employed, could not contain her curiosity after 31 days and decided to have a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

To her horror, she found that her face still had as many pimples and blackheads and her body had not lost any weight.

She decided to confront the medium at his house, also in Seberang Takir, to get a refund of her money and was told by neighbours that many other women had also fallen prey to him.

The victim lodged a police report the same day.

Police picked up the 34-year-old man yesterday.

She was horrified to even look at her own self, after not seeing herself in the mirror for a month – That actually had me cracked up bad. *wipes tears*

In all seriousness, if the woman really got conned and the religious medium got away with her money, I’d say she deserves it. She should be more worried about her stupidity than her looks.

She was very lucky in a way that the medium was not smart enough to be a conman, for staying around waiting to be caught. But what’s unfortunate for us is, this dumbass of a woman has 1 vote on her for the next GE, and her stupidity isn’t going to do a lot of good with that vote.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 8 Comments