Archive for February, 2010

February 25, 2010

full of love

My wife Emily gave me a belated Valentine’s Day gift on Tuesday. A bit late but, it matters not to me. I am full of love now.

I tell you, it was so one of a kind and special, that it was airborne. It was a love virus. I bet not many of you have experienced this. It started with a period of constant coughing by Emily. I thought she was sick or something, little did I know that she was playing a love ritual that no human had ever done before. Her cough kind of sent a copious amount of love virus into the air, and subsequently latched themselves into my lungs like little microscopic Cupids. And once I was infected with the love virus, I started to cough like her – and that made both of us do the same act in sync, how romantic!

Now, everytime I hawk up a wad of greenish phlegm into the wash basin, I’d feel the butterflies in my stomach when I think of the little cupids in my bodily fluid that were once part of my wife Emily… and how fortunate I am to have her sharing everything with me…

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 8 Comments
February 23, 2010

CNY rant II

Chinese New Year. It is a period when you get to see all these people trying to dress to impress. They’re like a bunch of creepy crawlies hiding under a rock for the whole year, and suddenly, all appear at the same time to show everyone that they’re doing real well or something. Especially the housewives. Having been staying at home the whole year, they’d go all out to look like a motherfucking clown. You know, extreme makeover, and expensive hairdo held by a shitload of hairspray.

Things that I don’t fucking understand.

Scorching 33 degrees C, and I can’t believe that there are people who’d still hairspray their hair and put on an inch thick of makeup just to visit some relatives. Imagine the discomfort. The hairspray will melt, and release all these noxious fumes in the car. Some of it would plop down and pave another layer of sticky substance over the face. And as they dab the mixture of sweat, hairspray and chemicals off their wrinkled face with a tissue paper, bits of the paper would stick on their face, and then they’d use the same fucking tissue paper to wipe their mouth – ingesting the chemicals in the process, and subsequently suffer some form of brain damage. And then throughout the whole year (with the damaged brain), they’d give us a hard time by being irrational, driving like a stupid fuck endangering lives and being a consummate bitch.

The other day, I saw a lady in her mid 70’s sporting this Michael Jackson wig hairdo near my place. Visiting relatives or something. I couldn’t help but wonder, how embarrassing it must be for her children (whom I reckon must be in their 50s or 60s). Well, at least it would be for me. I’d imagine myself make up stories to the host that my mom’s not feeling well and the drugs are making her wacky. And how hard it would be for them to be in the same car with her, slowly suffocating from the strong hairspray fume – crowbarring their lungs and livers.

So much for an auspicious New Year. I wonder if hairsprays are made flammable for a specific reason…

michaelooi  | rantings  | 6 Comments
February 19, 2010

powderful

Some amusing email sent by a lady engineer in Company X. A person known for her insolence, lack of common sense, and a prominently hated figure, this lady engineer one day realized that the shitty food in our cafeteria isn’t doing her any good (after hoovering the same shit for a few years), given that her figure is noticeably looking more and more like a giant oil barrel. So she decided to send out the biggest cunty rant ever and copied almost everyone in the whole company directory in the mail.

From: [Lady engineer with a problem]
Sent: XXXXXX, February XX, 2010 X:XX AM
To: [Almost everyone in the email directory]
Subject: Canteen feedback
Importance: High

Dear operation team,
Yesterday I have met with [Manager 1] and complainted about canteen, anyway he asked me to point out what is not right about canteen, now since I’m not working in night shift and I need more voices from oepration team, please kindly feedback your complaints to me, so that I can compile them and send to [manager 1], [manager 2] & [manager 3]. Please kindly make it fast, I will send this email to them by noon.

Starting with my opinion:

i) No variety opinion in choosing food, instead they are not “cooking”, they are mixed whatever they have and fried to serve.
Ii) Breakfast always prepared late (after 8am), food served before 8am always is left over food from night or evening before the day and cold. The reason is all the workers start to prepare lunch and yet food for lunch will be cold during that hour.
Iii) Pricing is not certain, especially from the Chinese guy, he always takes the highest price without comparing the size of the serving (example: chicken is 1.6-1.80, he will only take 1.8 for any size and yet the size of serving is reducing perday).
Iv) They always use outside food pricing, example kuih (smaller, not tasty) than outside, but price would be the same as outside stall.
V) Dishes never cleaned (stain always left on dishes) and DRIED properly, this is actually violent the hygienic law.

These are points being seen in my point of view, please kindly bring up more especially during night shift, so that we can get canteen being “contained” and require “long term action” from them. Don’t forget, those people are also vendors to Company X, to us, only this time they are earning employees’ money instead of employer’s and yet Company X is paying electricity bill and water bill.

If we don’t protect our rights, who will?
p/s: you may feedback in English & Malay.

Thank you!!
Regards,
[Lady engineer with a problem]

Take note of the underlined phrase. That almost killed me. I guess the only thing right in her email is the order of the Roman numerals… (even that, she got the capitalization wrong). It’s hard to believe that turd is an engineer.

I cheekily forwarded this to a colleague of mine who has a deep grudge with her, with the following caption:

From: michaelooi
Sent: XXXXXX, February XX, 2010 X:XX AM
To: [Colleague]
Subject: FW: Canteen feedback
Importance: High

Your friend is trying to fight for her rights. Take note of her powderful English. My god.

I made that colleague’s day.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | 10 Comments
February 18, 2010

Regine wants a pet

When I was tucking my daughter to sleep,

Regine : “Daddy, I want to keep a pet.”

Me : “What kind of pet do you want?”

Regine : “A goldfish.”

Me : “If you want a pet, you’ll have to be responsible for it.”

Regine : “I am going to name it ‘Ham'”

Me : “But I don’t like the idea of anyone keeping a pet. Think about it, instead of swimming inside a bowl, the fish would be happier swimming in a river or lake somewhere, where it gets to play with its friends and relatives, right?”

That was my cheap shot to avert the idea of having to buy her a goldfish.

Regine : [nods]

Me : “So which do you think is better? Keep that goldfish in a bowl as a pet? Or let it swim freely outside and being happy with other fishes?”

Regine : “Keep as a pet.”

Me : [legs up in the air]

I thought I was in for a good start there. You know, infusing the thought about animal cruelty and shit, so that I don’t have to worry about no pets. But it didn’t turn out quite right. You should have seen her face when she gave me that last reply. It was that ‘who gives a crap about a goddamn goldfish’ kind of expression… Mein gott in himmel!

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 4 Comments
February 11, 2010

CNY rant

I don’t understand why Company X management likes to give out mandarin oranges during CNY. They’d order a truck of those crappy mandarin oranges – which taste like a can of paint – and have a bunch of its high level employees wasting the whole day, just to coordinate the distribution of those cheebye oranges.

I was pissed because one of them had to excuse himself from attending a meeting of mine to participate in the so called 1Malaysia spirit to distribute the oranges in the office. Like we’re all dying to eat the fucking oranges. It was mind boggling to see execs like that lowlife of a scumbag giving priority to this trivial matter over a potential million dollar deal.

And what’s even more fucked up, was after a whole day’s work of being busy doing real work, I was greeted by this mound of oranges on my office desk. There were 4 different types of them, and about a dozen in quantity. Half of them, came without a plastic bag or a holder. In other words, I can’t fucking carry all of them home unless I can find a plastic bag, which I can’t, or if I have 2 extra hands. So the bunch of soggy headed motherfuckers must be expecting us employees to hoover at least half a dozen of those crappy tasting oranges in the office to boost our productivity, until the number’s good enough for us to handcarry them out.

Why can’t they just fucking give us a 5 ringgit angpow instead? They would have saved all the trouble ordering, transporting and distributing those goddamn oranges! Fucking idiots.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 13 Comments