Archive for January, 2010

January 13, 2010

the orphan

I’ve always fascinated with the idea of being an orphan. On my way home from work today, I expressed to my wife how envious I am with being an orphan – for the orphan, though lonely he might be, has all the advantages set throughout his life.

He won’t have to worry about anyone judging him on what he does. He won’t have a cousin who always does better than he can ever do, and no one’s going to compare him against anyone. He won’t have any sibling whom he’d have squabbles with, and get hurt in the process. He won’t have to see his parents be in the worst possible shape when they get sick and he definitely won’t have to see them die one day. No relatives to badger him, and no blood relation obligations.

He’s all liberated and is set to live his life the way he wants it to be. He gets the whole blank canvas for himself to paint the colors with. It’s all about being him. But the only downside about being the Orphan is probably, loneliness. Can be quite a bitch. But then, loneliness isn’t much of a big problem if you were to compare that to the stuff I mentioned above. For loneliness, we have our friends, lovers and PS3 to alleviate the pain. It’s still a better trade off than the scum and filth we humans have to contend with every second of our awakening moment. I’d trade all my troubles with loneliness, anytime.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 13 Comments
January 12, 2010

office gossip

The following conversation was a transcript from Company X instant messenger, between myself and a female colleague (FC) of mine.

FC : did u hear about Company X juicy gossip

Me : what gossip?

FC : we heard one guy from TS [tech support] and one gal from sales got fired cause they were shagging in one of our toilets. eeewww

Me : toilet?

FC : ya Company X toilet

Me : Company X didn’t pay them enough money to book a room. But toilet can be fun

FC : hahahah

Me : make sure go to the male toilet though… because guys get excited when someone shags in their toilet. Females on the other hand, will feel offended (because they don’t get to shag). And will report to management.

FC : hahahahhahahah

Oh don’t we all know that most women are ‘kuat jeles’ type… If they don’t get to do something others get to do, they’d resort to sabotage. So, always remember, if you’re going to shag at your workplace toilet, make sure you go to the Gents.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | 9 Comments
January 11, 2010

tits-first-die-later

Conversation took place in Company X cafeteria, without the presence of any female colleague…

Me : “So Hewey, tell me, are you a tit guy, or an ass guy?”

Hewey is a manager in Company X, married with children,

Hewey : “I like tits more. I’m not so much of a fan of asses. Just tits.”

Me : “Alright, you’re a total tit guy then. I’m kinda half half. I like both tits and ass. I think it is important that they complement each other well.”

Hewey : “It’s always the tits for me. The first thing that I check when I meet a female, are her tits. So to say, I meet the tits first, then only the person. Nothing else matters to me.”

That didn’t sound right to me.

Me : “Whoaa, wait a minute. You mean, you’d just indiscriminately ogle at tits without giving a damn about who that person is?”

Hewey : “Yeah. I don’t really care about the rest. Tits first, everything else later.”

Me : “No that’s not right. What if you see someone like Lim Ah Lian? It will be disastrous…”

Lim Ah Lian is a female clerk in Company X who weights about 500 pounds, with tits so massive that they could be used as a pair of jumbo jet wheel stops. She’s so seriously tragic that another colleague of mine named his Rottweiler after her…

Hewey : “I’d still look at the tits first.”

Me : “I don’t think that should be the way. A normal person would do a crude scan of the whole package first, you know, to see if the subject’s attractive or not, then only deep dive into her tits and ass. ”

Other colleagues nodded in approval. But Hewey was resolute in his tits-first-die-later approach…

Hewey : “Like I said, I don’t really care. Tits, then package.”

Well, what can I say, I guess every man has his own fetish, and Hewey’s happens to be huge mammary glands. I wished him luck after that and we moved on to another topic.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 1 Comment
January 6, 2010

the grocer’s daughter

It was late at night. My friend and I was at this grocery store to buy some beer. The grocer was not around, so the daughter attended to us.

“4 large beer please”

The grocer’s daughter was doing her school homework when we placed the order. She had to stop whatever she was doing, and ambled towards the back of the store to fetch the 4 bottles of beer for us.

Curious on what she was doing, I took a peek at her work, and saw that she was doing some integral calculus. I checked her workings out, and it seemed to me that she was quite good at it. Her solution was elaborate, and her work was very neat. I then remarked to my friend,

“This girl totally got it. She’s going to score well.”

My friend nodded in approval. That was when the girl comes out with the 4 bottles of beer, oblivious to what we said about her.

“That will be RM48 please.”

My friend dug out a RM50 note and paid the beer with it. Girl took the RM50 note, stuffed it into a drawer and whipped out…

JENG JENG JENGGG!!

Two RM10 notes.

My friend and I froze. Girl looked at us, unable to decipher what went wrong. I hinted her about her obvious ‘fail’ in basic arithmetic by merely pointing at the wrong change, but she didn’t get it. My friend then decided to get a bit blunt,

“Eh, your mind is still filled with the X’s and Y’s is it?”

Girl finally realized the mistake, went blush, gave out a hearty laugh (she was wearing this serious look when she went to fetch our beer) and gave us the correct change. I guess if it were to be Banglas buying beer that night, the grocer will have to register a negative 18 discrepancy in the account – no thanks to her math genius daughter.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 5 Comments
January 5, 2010

the world according to…

The world according to… my 3.5 year old daughter:

- The kindergarten she’s attending is not called a kindergarten. It’s called a ‘school’ because she would never attend a kindergarten.

- The day she becomes a ‘grown up’ is the day she knows how to use the porcelain bowl at the toilet in the mall. She should be
about 10 years old then.

- If she ever misbehaves when she becomes a grown up, a hyena will materialize out of nowhere and eat her dress.

- When her father dies (that’s me), she’d have to inconveniently drive the black family car to the zoo herself. She should be about 10 years old by then.

- All animals have stinking backside. Ergo, if your backside stinks, you must be an animal.

- The singular for ‘horse’ is ‘whore’. (explanation here)

- Old people should keep short and curly hair, they shouldn’t ever grow long straight hair. Vice versa (young people shouldn’t keep curly hair)

- Every man should know how to sing Foreigner’s ‘Waiting for A Girl Like You’ because it is a VERY nice song.

- Coffee is for men. Children and women should not drink coffee.

- She’s not obliged to go for a bath if she is not sweating.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 6 Comments