Archive for 2009

November 23, 2009


I came across the name ‘Maggie’ today and got reminded of my trollop sister. Yes, people… despite being known as ‘Beancurd’ here, that’s actually not her real name (if you can’t tell). My sister likes people to call her ‘Maggie’.

But then you see, Maggie isn’t her real name either. Like me, she adopted that English name when she was a teenager. Unlike her, I adopted mine for a good reason – my real name is too fucked up and people with inadequate intelligence will not be able to pronounce it properly. So, in order to make myself more sociable and not too celestial, I adopted the name ‘Michael’, and got my mom’s approval on it.

My sister however, chose not to tell anyone at home about her fancy name. She just tagged along her friend to a church one day, and suddenly she’s ‘Maggie’. Fucking shit. So when hordes of her itchy male friends started to call our home to look for ‘Maggie’, they’re conveniently fended off like stray insects on the windscreen of a moving vehicle at night.

“Hello, may I speak to Maggie?”
“Sorry, wrong number.”

You get the idea. It wasn’t long before my sister started to realize that she’s regressing towards the opposite direction in popularity amongst her retarded friends, and soon got my ass responsible for everything by screaming at me at the top of her lungs one day… (as I was the one who answered the phone most of the time… and a much easier target than my mom)…

“What? Where got?”
“Maggie! That’s me! I am Maggie! Whom you told my friends no such person exists!”
“Since when you’re known as Maggie!? How would I know if you didn’t tell anyone about it??”
“Just mind your business, ok?? I’m going to smack you if you ever do this again!!”
“Maggie… what a stupid name. Why don’t you call yourself Indomie or Cintan instead?? Pffhh”

But what did I know. I was just a kid. I thought she named herself after a popular brand of instant noodle. I didn’t know it is short form for Margaret, a beautiful name. Perhaps she named herself ‘Maggie’ to do her personality some justice, which she severely lacked of. You know, like a fake plastic bait to lure fish (fish = guys, in her case). Or could be that, she named herself after a popular 80’s Hong Kong actress – Maggie Cheung. But rest be assured, my sister looked nothing like Maggie Cheung… well, except maybe if she were to have a tumor in her colon, my sister could look like that piece of tumor, covered in shit.

But my best bet is still, she named herself ‘Maggie’ as a short form not for ‘Margaret’… but for ‘maggot’, which aptly describes her character very well. Oh yeah.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off

proof that common sense is not common – 4

I brought my 3 year old daughter to an indoor playground inside a hypermarket complex the other day. It was a pay per entry indoor playground, operated by 3 Malay ladies (escapes me why would the hypermarket need 3 headcounts for this simple work… to wrestle big mean kids when they get out of line?). The one manning the counter was with a big motherfucking nose. (Seriously, she looked like one of the Muppets with that nose. It was colossal)

Anyway, apart from that mutated giant nose, the next thing I noticed about that lady at the counter was her condescending behavior. Somehow, she must have felt really important for having that job, because when my wife queried about how much do we have to pay to enter the playground, she responded with 1 worded reply while looking at the ceiling. Most of the time, my wife and I would have chosen to walk away. But seeing that our daughter’s getting excited already, we decided to pay for the entry anyway.

After the payment, the lady with the overgrown nose whipped out a wrist tag and wanted my daughter to wear it. Because it wasn’t colorful or look cool enough, my daughter refused to wear the damn thing. But she insisted and my daughter was beginning to feel upset… That was when I decided to jump in to save my little damsel in distress… [conversation translated to English]

Me : “Does my daughter really have to wear this? It’s not like we’re going to fleece the entrance fee, right?”

Lady with big nose : “She needs to wear this wrist tag.”

Me : “What’s the rationale behind wearing the tag? So that she won’t get lost inside the playground? I can see the whole area from here.”

It was just a flimsy paper wrist tag, you can’t do jack shit with that thing. Besides, the size of the playground was only half of a badminton court.

Lady with big nose : “No, the tag’s important. She needs to wear it.”

She had this panicked look on her, because I was asking too much questions and they were overloading her micro brain, which I reckon must be located inside that big nose of hers (her head’s just full of kacip fatimah or whatever booster shit they take these days). She was unable to explain why the tag was so important, but only insisted my daughter to wear it.

Me : “Again, what’s the rationale behind this??”

She just stared back at me. She fucking BSOD’ed. I was about to ask for a refund from her nose, and but then one of her fat colleagues came to her rescue

Fat colleague : “Mister, the tag’s important because it has a time stamp on it!”

It didn’t even make any sense to me. So, if my daughter does not wear the paper tag on her wrist, the time stamp would magically disappear from the tag? I had to yell back at them,

Me : “So what difference is it going to make if I were to keep this tag in my wife’s bag, and return it when we leave the area later?? The time stamp is still there, right??”

The fat lady froze for a short moment and when everything started to make sense to her, she let my daughter in, without requiring her to wear the tag on her wrist. The big nosed lady was still looking puzzled when the fat one opened the gate (probably still couldn’t figure it out now)

You see, it is understandable that we do not need very skilled people to do the simplest of jobs. But sometimes even the simplest of jobs requires one to be reasonably sensible. Maybe just a tiny bit of common sense. But some people seem to even lack of that.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
November 20, 2009

“2012” (2009)

I have not been to the cinema since the first “Transformers” movie. With some time to kill, I decided to catch ‘2012’ yesterday. Like ‘Transformers’, the only thing I really enjoyed inside the cinema yesterday, was the caramel glazed popcorn. Boy how I missed the popcorn.

I don’t know if this is just me but, the movie’s not really that good. It has tonnes of cool special effects, no shit… but that’s about it. I’m surprised this movie was not directed by Michael Bay. It sure hell looked like his work. Senseless effects with not much of a story. You know, the prophecy… the black president… the grim farewell speech… the humanity get-together to face the odds… Boring.

And of course, a fair share of preposterous plots. Here’s a couple of them I manage to randomly pick

– comical airplane maneuver
The hero’s airplane seems to be able to take off from cracked and uneven runways (twice in the movie)… in spite of the crazy ass tremors, volcanic eruptions, proximity of the pyroclastic flow, etc. Also, hero’s airplane could fly through volcanic ash, which is technically speaking, impossible. The plane’s engine will choke, and the ash is gonna sandblast the whole plane until it goes down.

– bionic body
The people inside the ark were soaked with tsunami sea water that washed through the snow at Himalayas, which must be at sub zero temperature. Instead of dying of hypothermia, the wet people of the party boat were as animated as excited alcohol laden teenagers in a pool party. The people in 2012 must have bionic abilities to withstand that kind of temperature.

And many more. The whole movie’s like that. It’s like watching road runner and the coyote show. Everything is so fucking coincident and everyone’s unbelievably lucky. I’d definitely enjoy the movie if I’m a 6 year old but alas, I’m not so… it’s a waste of my money. (ticket’s 10 bucks! fuck that’s expensive!) 4/10.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
November 17, 2009

life saving memo

A friend who works in China, sent his recent workplace memo over for my reading amusement…

Dear colleagues,
An accident happened at 7:25am this morning. 5 buses (Including our shuttle bus Qingpu bus station line)were involved in a pileup on Huqingping road due to front bus’s emergency road change. One employee in the shuttle bus fell down on the bus floor .Fortunately no injury.

Herein we would like to remind you all that wild drive happened frequently in recent time, due to bad weather and bad road condition. On this condition our driver will take emergency brake. To avoid the injury due to such condition and meanwhile to protect your life safety, pls do fasten your safety belt once got on the shuttle bus!

So, it seems that those Chinese people are ok with their bus drivers to drive ‘wildly’ and perform crazy ass emergency brake maneuvers, but however, are deeply concerned (they bolded the phrase to illustrate this point) about the passengers not fastening their seatbelt! (and since when do buses have seatbelts?)

That’s like saying, it is ok to club your wife with a baseball bat… but is not ok to hurt her feelings… -__-‘

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
November 16, 2009

Hidden minefield in shopping malls

It’s true. They’re there. Hidden minefield in shopping malls. But only the people with children can see them. They’re called ‘kiddy rides’.

These kiddy rides, they aren’t usually confined to a specific area, but are scattered all over the fucking mall. Most of the time, you’d least expectedly run into them at strategic places that you can’t avoid like the walkway to the escalator, or the foyer right next to the lavatory. You won’t exactly know they are there either, until you see them, which is already too late.

And these ‘minefields’ are not like any regular minefield. It does not mean that if you are careful enough not to step onto a mine, you won’t get hurt. The mines in the minefields are alive. You don’t have to step onto any of the mines. The mines will come to you. Just like that ‘magnetic mines’ you see in Terminator Salvation. Only the difference is, instead of using a magnet to do the trick, the ‘kiddy ride’ mines use bright colors and exaggerated cartoon characters to daze kids, and entrance them to do the evil bidding of parting money from their parents.

Each ride costs about 1 to 2 bucks. Not much to many of you, but consider this – all a ride ever does is repetitively move up and down (or sideways), and lasts a little less than a minute. And they’re basically all identical with seemingly limited entertainment value, only with different shapes. One can basically get more by driving a car with stiff absorbers through the ubiquitous bumps and potholes on our Malaysian roads. But for some fucked up reasons, kids can never get enough of them. They’d scream and squirm out of clutches, and their parents would get a momentary glimpse into the future on how their kids would misbehave when they see their favorite boy/girl band. And before you know it, you’re paying for a few rides, just so that the rugrat won’t spoil your day any further. And that’s just one minefield. A few more to go.

And I got an extra a couple days ago. While lifting my almost 20kg daughter onto one of the rides, I hurt my back. And now, I am having difficulty to pick up a bar of soap on the floor without looking like I just had my dick circumcised with a can opener. I think I’m gonna blindfold my daughter the next time I go to a fucking mall.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off