Archive for 2009

January 12, 2009

keywords III

Bizarre shit that people typed in the search engine and fucking ended up in my blog instead…

1. Cat torture / Torture cat / How to torture cat – When you’re out of idea on how to be evil, why not try the search engine? Goddamn psychos. I guess they’re here because of this entry I wrote 3 years ago… (which is one of my highest hit / most read post to date)

2. dick in tamil – The best way of finding out how to say dick in Tamil is to ask your Indian friends… what a chode. (the word’s ‘koteh’ ‘kunji’ by the way)

3. bersetubuh dengan adik – The least reassuring thing in 2009 so far, was to learn that my blog’s attracting some incestuous pedophile… albeit not on intentional purpose.

4. durian as eraser – I don’t even know what this means…

5. pregnant girl with clippered hair – Now how did this end up in my fucking blog?? What’s “clippered”??

6. what does pundek means / what is pundek – One of the top searches. Apparently, some people are still living under a rock. (for the record: pundek is a type of animal that purrs)

7. tek tek perempuan – I reckon he (or she) didn’t have a good source of porn… Notice how direct his search string is… Must be a kid.

8. women ovary fucking – Kiddy search again. Kids, you don’t insert your junk into the ovary! You insert it in the armpit and vellicate (guys, shhh)

9. neighbor fuck mommy – Another kiddy search. When you see mommy getting boned by your uncle neighbor, you don’t Google! You call your DADDY!

10. yung girl pey for hand job in a car – This guy don’t even fucking know how to spell (and the strange thing was, he ended up in my blog… this is sad)

I feel sick already.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 9 Comments
January 9, 2009

uwekkk!

Company X hires the some of the strangest kinds of employees (except me of course). Just the other day, I saw a lady wore something so ghastly awful, that it almost gave me a fucking heart attack. She had this piece of fluorescent colored puffy ‘drouse’ (I don’t know if it was a really short dress, or a ridiculously long blouse, so I’m calling that thing a ‘drouse’) draping just over her caboose. Under there, she wore nothing, but only a pair of glossy LATEX tights. She also had this Cleopatra wannabe ancient Samurai helmet hairstyle, with a pair of big ass hoop earrings. Now if you’re wondering if that subject was hot, no she wasn’t. The subject actually looked like – as I have described about a person I know to a friend before – the female version of Quasimodo…

The time I spotted that tragic piece of horror, she was discussing – rather loudly – with her bunch of half witted equally misshapen friends about how she should have trimmed her fucking helmet hairstyle even more like a helmet (some technical jargons involved). I was so tempted to walk over and tell her that if an evil witch shaman from the ancient Mayan civilization were to live today, she would have chosen to wear the exact same garb like her’s. Brings the term ‘dress to kill’ to a whole new meaning.

I guess the lady was probably trying to look goth in that shit, in hope to obscure her advanced age from her colleagues or something. But little did she realize that her setup had the complete opposite effect, and some other unintended image wrecker as well…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 6 Comments
January 8, 2009

stupid traffic lights

I was stucked at an intersection for 40 over minutes the other day. Rather unexpectedly, at a non-peak hour time. Why? Because of a set of stupid traffic lights. What it did, was it only allowed 10 – 12 seconds on the green, and would go red for over 2 minutes. Anyone with half a brain would have figured what that would do to the traffic – huge motherfucking backlogs. It was like pressing your thumb against the spout of a faucet with running water.

I wonder who was the retard that was commissioned to time that set of stupid traffic lights. The sad thing is, people like that retard seem to be prevalent in Malaysia nowadays, because I noticed that the set of traffic lights IS DEFINITELY NOT THE ONLY ONE of its kind around. They’re all over the fucking place. There used to be one right outside my workplace that would go green for only 5 – 6 seconds, but would go red for eternity. And I remember encountering countless of such traffic lights in KL as well. Seriously, what is with these people…

And people wonder why we get traffic congestion every so often. I have an answer for that – some idiots did too much charity and some retards got lucky.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | 10 Comments
January 6, 2009

massive dolt

My 2.5 year old daughter was minding her own business, when I decided that it was high time for her to brush up her cognitive skills. I looked around and I spotted a baby bottle cap lying near where she was sitting, so I decided to ask her if she could spot the partially camouflaged cap (it was a yellow cap lying on a floral patterned bed sheet). It was an attempt to gauge both her language comprehension and observation skill…

“Regine, the baby bottle cap is missing. Can you help daddy to look for it?”

She understood my question and then looked around for the cap, and easily spotted it. But instead of picking it up to give it to me, she was kind of giving me this look which I do not know how to describe. Thinking that she might have missed the cap, I asked her again about the cap…

“Regine, daddy still could not find the cap. Can you help to look around some more?”

After pausing for a while, she finally pointed at the cap with her little index finger and said this to me,

“OPEN YOUR EYES LAH!”

I’ve never felt so much like a massive dolt before…

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 17 Comments
January 5, 2009

chaos on the final days of work

It was the final 2 weeks of December, and all the managers were either on vacation, or on their scheduled ‘medical leave’. Our technician, Milkboy, was ranting about how stucked up his situation was, because he couldn’t find anyone to approve his forms…

Milkboy: “Fuck man, all the managers are out of office. Now how am I suppose to get these forms approved?? Sheesh”

Me: “Just get that XX department ‘Dickhead’ to approve your fucking forms. Don’t give yourself a bad excuse to shirk, you lazy bum.”

Milkboy: “This is so inconvenient.”

Me: “Well, you can propose to the management to give me the authorization to approve your forms. I reckon that would be convenient enough for you. But it wouldn’t be free though, for I’ll be charging 5 bucks per approval… the convenience comes at a price needless to say…”

Milkboy: “…” [dove into his pile of paperwork and STFU-ed]

Hell, 5 bucks per approval… that’s going to be convenient, for me. Come to think of it, this can be some idea to start a subcontract business for myself to the corporates. You know, everything is ‘subbed’ nowadays, why not a manager? For a much cheaper price of course. I’m going to sit in for managers to do their taxing paperwork (approvals, reviews, shits, you know… just mouse clicks anyway), while those assholes can go ahead to socialize with their ilks at golf courses to forge businesses, synergize or whatever… And of course, with the rising demand and orders pouring in, I can probably subcontract a second tier cheaper labor to cope with all the mounting work. Like, if I charge 2 bucks per approval for a form, I can subcontract to a Bangla to do it for 25% of the cost per job. In no time, I will be owning an empire of services that does all your asshole bosses’ seemingly brainless work, how about that? (yeah, you guys can then call me up for a drink if you need to get anything approved…)

And oh, I’ll name the subcontract company as ‘Perineum Inc.’ if that happens… (you know, perineum? an asshole’s best friend? Yeah. Classic.)

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 2 Comments