Archive for 2009

January 22, 2009

Happy Chinese New Year

Nobody should be working by now… either because they have lost their fucking job, being asked not to work, or because they’re like me – in the Chinese New Year holiday mood.

Whatever your reason is, I just would like to wish you all the best in the brand new year, and may the year of the Ox gives you plenty of horny partners (multiple) and huge beefy paycheck (amidst the global recession…)

Drive safely and don’t fucking drive if you’re drunk. Cheers.

michaelooi  | greetings  | 11 Comments
January 21, 2009

PAS sucks

I do not know about you people but I think PAS sucks.

It’s totally not about the hudud law, nor was it about them being too gung-ho about their Islamic cause… but because I think they make us Malaysians look like complete morons whenever there is an international artiste about to perform in our country. This time, they plan to protest against the upcoming Rihanna concert, citing her sense of fashion being too provocative for our youth and – you’ve got to believe this – “result in an outflow of local currency to the United States, and in turn, cause loss to the country and suffering to the Palestinians”. What the fuck. Read this for details,


PAS plans to stop Rihanna concert
KUALA LUMPUR: PAS wants to stop R&B star Rihanna from performing here on Feb 13.

Its Federal Territory Youth chief Kamaruzaman Mohamad said inviting the Barbados-born singing sensation to Malaysia was “akin to insulting eastern culture, belittling local artistes, intentionally causing losses to the country’s economy and supporting Israel’s war policy, which is supported by America”.

The PAS wing said it also found the Grammy award winner to be unsuitable because she often performed suggestively and wore skimpy, sexy outfits.

Kamaruzaman said local concert sponsor Celcom should give priority to eastern cultures and local artistes.

He said Rihanna’s appearance here would result in an outflow of local currency to the United States, and in turn, cause loss to the country and suffering to the Palestinians.

He reasoned that the United States supplies arms to its ally Israel from contributions and taxes collected from Americans.

“Whether Rihanna realises it or not, we know that the taxes she has paid also contributed to the war in Gaza,” Kamaruzaman said.

He wants the permit issuers, including police and City Hall, to reject the organiser’s application.

The PAS wing would submit a protest note on the concert soon.

Rihanna, whose hits include Umbrella and Disturbia, is to perform here as part of her Good Girl Gone Bad tour.

At an event yesterday, Celcom chief executive officer Datuk Seri Shazalli Ramly said Celcom was just the concert sponsor.

“She (Rihanna) has agreed to follow the regulations,” he said, adding that the organiser, Pineapple Concerts, had already made arrangements with the singer and the Culture, Arts and Heritage Ministry was informed of her performance.

Kelana Jaya MP Loh Gwo Burne said he did not think anyone should impose his or her own moral views on others, and that Rihanna should not be “deemed guilty by association”.

“I agree we should show displeasure against the United States but boycotting everything associated with America is difficult,” he added.

I just want to say this to those moronic PAS dickheads – hellooooo pakcik, we have enough porn on the internet lah… and we watch a lot of American flicks (so sue me). If you’re so concerned about the morality of our youth, why don’t you start by doing something useful, like shutting the fuck up and stop being such a disgrace to the nation?

michaelooi  | snippets  | 22 Comments
January 19, 2009

I am so happy

My mom was busy wiping the stove in the kitchen, when she noticed my 2.5 year old daughter, Regine, quietly observing the work from behind. Figuring that she was just being nosy like she always does, my mom decided to let her do the observing and continued with the chores, until my daughter finally broke the silence,

“Grandma, I am so happy.”

Curious, my mom turned to her and asked,

“Oh that’s great. Why are you so happy then? Care to tell grandma?”

She didn’t answer. She just looked at my mom wearing this smirk and repeatedly say, “I am soooo happy.”

My mom then went like, oh well… must be one of her silly antics, and moved on to other chores in the apartment.

But Regine did not just stop there. She tagged along wherever my mom went, and would say “I am sooo happy, grandma.”, “I am so happyyyy”. It was before long when it started to get really annoying for my mom… and she had to stop whatever she was doing and asked my daughter proper about the ‘happy’ thing,

“Why are you so happy Regine? Can you tell me already?”

Still wearing the smirk, she finally answered,

“I am so happy because I am your stepmother, and you’re wiping around the house.”

It was a reference to the Cinderella story my wife had been telling her – she was actually imagining herself as the stepmother, and my mom as Cinderella… and she’s having a kick watching my mom (Cinderella) working her ass off doing house chores.

That’s my daughter, who seemingly has the propensity to absorb the wrong elements out of even fairy tales.

michaelooi  | 3-of-us  | 13 Comments
January 16, 2009

perfect death

I’m not sure if I have written this before but, I kind of expressed to a bunch of my bewildered colleagues today about my ideal way of dying.

Everyone dies, right? But is yours going to be a long and painful one, or is it going to be a quick and easy one?

Obviously, nobody wants to die a painful death. No not cancer please. I don’t want to have kidney or liver failures either. So how do one actually die a quick and painless death when the time comes? The answer is – Heart Attack, and that’s what I said to my colleagues today.

I’m sure you’ve seen shitless of campaign posters before that says ‘heart attack’ is bad for you. I don’t know why is that. For all I know, having a heart attack is actually a blessing in disguise. It’s quick, painless and it’s neat. You don’t get hair loss or look sick like a cadaver. You’ll be looking like who you are when you die and the whole process (of getting an arrest and die) probably takes less than a minute. I mean, how much better could one ask for? It is a perfect way to die.

So, I was thinking, maybe when I’m old and have had enough of this world, I’m going to settle off all my outstanding (wills and shits…), and then I’m going to get myself a heart attack. Eg. I’m going to start by getting myself fellated back to back by 20 awesome looking professional hookers to get the adrenalin pumping. And when my blood’s all boiling and heart’s pumping mad, I’ll take a ride in a roller coaster or perhaps bungy jump… and then FFFTTTTTTT… the light fades away. No pain, no suffering, had 20 blowjobs and all still excited.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 10 Comments
January 14, 2009

dick chick

I think I am attracting more dicks as I age. Either that, or the world that I am living in is so teeming with dicks, that it is literally impossible to not encounter them at all. Hell, even the chicks that I deal with every day are mostly dicks. And I encountered the worst one today at HSBC bank.

I was there with Emily to get her ATM card changed, because the darn thing failed on us. It wasn’t broken or damaged or anything. It just died out of mysterious causes. So we went to the bank to have it rectified, and was served by this sourpuss Malay chick. When we told her about the problematic ATM card, the dick chick immediately said – “Yeah I’ve looked through our records and it said our bank system was functional throughout. So it must be your card that has become defective.”

No shit sherlock, like I couldn’t tell. I was also pretty sure that she made up the whole thing because we were barely there for less than 10 seconds and she didn’t even budge an inch – she couldn’t have ‘checked’ on any records. Anyway, when I lamented how this was inconveniencing us, the dick chick replied,

“If you know how to take care of your cards, this wouldn’t have happened.”

She was actually sarcastically implying that it was my fault that the card was defective, and for that, I should be made to pay 8 bucks to have it replaced.

“Excuse me? You’re saying that the card became defective because ‘I did not know how to take care of my cards’? Now how did you arrive to that conclusion?”

She repeated the same shit like a broken record,

“I’ve looked through our records and it said our bank system was functional throughout. So it must be you do not know how to take care of your cards”

I was like, wow, her computer is not only capable of communicating with her telepathically, but is also capable of telling if their clients have been abusing the ATM cards! That’s like, in the league of the Oracle in The Matrix trilogy! Probably has a big wrinkled cheebye and bakes cookies when free as well.

I then confirmed again with her,

“So by checking your records and error codes, you can tell if I haven’t been taking a good care of my cards?”

She duly replied my query with an assuring ‘yes’. I then DOUBLE confirmed again with her,

“So it couldn’t have been the quality of the card itself that causes it to fail?”

“I checked the records. The list of error codes here tells me everything.” [shows me a stack of stapled A4 notes]

I was wondering if her Oracle super computer could tell her how fucking stupid she is. I was so tempted to ask her then – how the fuck do I actually ‘take good care’ of my cards? Cut their cuticles and trim their pubes? Goddamn. I did not ask her that of course, because I knew she was too much of a dick and had too little intelligence to even reason. So I went on with whatever plan she had, let her proceed to get us the replacement card and later went to the branch manager instead, to lodge a complaint against the bitch and eventually got the 8 bucks waiver for the stupid card.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 12 Comments