Archive for 2009

February 24, 2009

Look ma! I’m not a corpse!

The lab was relatively quiet today, when the sound of someone squealing suddenly broke the silence. It was Milkboy, our lab technician. I gave a quick glance at him to see what was the commotion all about, and saw him standing in front of a bunch of his work stuff, apparently amused at something, for he was grinning ear to ear.

Milkboy : “Look guys! This is so cool! The temperature rises when I hold this probe with my hand!”

He was holding a thermocouple probe (a thermocouple probe is basically an electrical thermal measuring device). So, he was squealing and getting all excited when he saw that darn probe reading his body temperature, which frankly speaking, is nothing short of being fucking retarded (not to mention annoying). I felt the urge to shoot him down, and did it,

Me : “What were you expecting?? If that thing does not register any temperature when you hold it, that would have meant that you’re a fucking corpse, you moron! It was just reading your body temperature!”

Milkboy : “Yeah I know but I was surprised that it could even read my temperature when I hold it like this… like, like this…” [proceed to do something silly with the probe on his palm]

I could not even describe how fucking moronic he looked when he was acting all fascinated with that ‘new discovery’ of his. It was probably something close to how our first neanderthal ancestors would react, if they were to be shown a battery operated butt plug that emits blinking LED lights…

I mean, seriously, I am now surrounded with a thick layer of doubt if I have all along been working with a real biological retard. Remember the ‘mysterious probe number 4′ incident? Now, THAT and THIS, they couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. Disturbing indeed.

I left the lab after that, leaving the poor guy alone, still all fascinated with the probe thing…

michaelooi  | characters  | 5 Comments
February 19, 2009

25 random things about me

A meme, tagged in Facebook…

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.
To do this, go to “Notes” under tabs (+) on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

*****

01. I like to refer myself as a ‘semi-perfectionist’. I expect some things to be perfect, and some things not.

02. I had my first nosebleed in a fight with a school bus buddy named Lingam. He was such a badass.

03. I am not scared of ghosts, but I am fucking terrified of roaches.

04. The first time I ever gambled in a casino was at Genting. I won a few hundred bucks that day and used the money to purchase the body of a Nikon FM2 mechanical camera.

05. I had my second nosebleed after a back flip into a pool went awry and I landed chest on.

06. I named my daughter Regine after a popular Filipino hootchie singer/actress Regine Velasquez.

07. I don’t have very good hearing on both my ears. It has been like this since I was a teenager.

08. …but for what I lack in hearing, I make up with my olfactory ability. I believe I have this thing for smell.

09. I am addicted to coffee. I can have as many as 6 mugs of coffee in a day.

10. I have a callus under my left foot which is super fun to peel at when watching movies.

11. I spend about 20 minutes cleaning my mouth before sleep every night. Pick and floss – 5 minutes. Gargle with water – 10 minutes. Brushing (electronic on weekends) – 5 minutes. Gargle again with mouthwash – ~1 minute.

12. I was brought up listening to Bee Gees and The Beatles.

13. I never get the flush when I imbibe. I could still be looking normal despite being drunk like a fuck.

14. I am very sensitive to heat and ventilation. I perspire heavily when there is too much heat, or lack of ventilation.

15. …that’s why I use deodorant and fragrance all the time – even at work.

16. I have not bought a computer for myself since 1998. The computers I have been using all these while were all assigned company properties.

17. I have never given flowers to any girl before. My past Valentine’s Day gifts were all cheap cards with custom recorded cassettes. (fyi, they all worked great)

18. My wife and I never wear our wedding rings, because both of us hate wearing jewelry.

19. I recently developed this obsession for Jasmine fragrance. My car is smelling like a Jasmine now.

20. I don’t fancy watching porno, contrary to the popular belief that I do…

21. I had a cosmetic surgery on my upper lip before… from an accident…

22. I prefer matured women than teenage chicks when it comes to opposite attraction.

23. I have always fantasized myself being a serial killer. There are so many people that I could kill if I ever become one.

24. I have single eyelids. But if I rub my eyes hard enough, I get triple folds. Really.

25. My command of Mandarin sucks donkey cock.

*****
there…

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 13 Comments
February 18, 2009

kinky shit happens

In my workplace (Company X), employees are required to go through a compulsory security scan with a handheld metal detector when exiting the manufacturing floor. I was going through that procedure the other day, and was scanned by this housewife security guard about the size/charm of a giant cow. As she was scanning the lower half of my body, I suddenly heard the sound of a female voice moaning. Not just any ordinary moan, but of someone having steamy sex. It was exactly like one would hear in a hardcore porno (“oooh~ ahhh~ ahhh~ owhh~”). It was loud, and very clear… and it came from the direction of that security guard housewife, who was at the time scanning my crotch.

That was when I turned to look at the guard with this perturbed look, but she just looked back at me with this straight face, totally unfazed by the kinky sound. Just about when I started to wonder again where the sound could have came from, the subject housewife security guard then whipped out her cellphone and cleared a message, subsequently putting a stop to the sound. That was when I figured that it was the sound of her message ringtone. o_O’

Now if that were to come from someone like my colleague Eric, I wouldn’t probably feel a thing about it. That’s because I’m used to the idea of him being obscene and stuff. But for that to come from a housewife security guard who dons a religious headscarf, and who happened to be scanning my crotch at that very moment? That’s just too fucking disturbing. Right now, I am shuddering at the thought of that few times when the handheld metal detector ‘accidentally’ brushed my crotch and ass… Man those probably weren’t as ‘unintentional’ as they wanted me to believe…

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
February 15, 2009

old dirty bastard

Have you ever dreaded the day people start to despise you just because you’re old? I have.

The thought kind of surfaced after an outing with a bunch of friends one evening. We were at this pub drinking at happy hours, when I took notice of a group at a table next to ours. The group consisted of a bunch of yuppies in their office attires, mostly girls, and one very standout guy.

That guy, must be in his late 50’s, or even 60’s I reckon, and he had one of those stupid futuristic robot sunglasses awkwardly perched on top of his head full of spiky punkish white hair. Not only that, the old guy also wore a body hugging white T-shirt that embossed his wrinkled beef jerky-ish physique, coupled with a drain pipe washed out jeans. I wasn’t at all concerned about his seemingly disgusting taste of fashion, but I was a little bit disturbed with the fact that,

a) he was mingling with a bunch of people half his age,
b) he was doing that fucking revolting super gay Rick Astley dance,

I could see that his colleagues (or whatever their relationship with him were supposed to be) weren’t any less traumatized than I was.

“Psst dude, check out that old guy next table. What an old dirty bastard. What the fuck is he doing here goddamn it?” I whispered to my friend Charles and we both checked Old Dirty Bastard out as he started to grind his porous and creaky hips on some of his annoyed girl mates. Charles shared the hostile thought too – what the fuck was that old guy doing there? We couldn’t figure out then, but as the night progressed, his table started to look deserted when everyone discreetly left one after another, and soon all that was left was Old Dirty Bastard himself, and a long bill for the table. (the light was shed, that he was probably needed there to pay the fucking bill… or someone in that group could have made a wrong phone call and subsequently a big mistake.)

Kinda sucks isn’t it? Being old is no shit a major big disadvantage in the social hierarchy. I dread of the day I would turn into that Old Dirty Bastard… really. Though I probably wouldn’t dress as gross as that Old Dirty Bastard, but I know I would definitely grind some chicks given the chance…

Or maybe someone should make a pub for old people… (minimum age 55 or based on how long you can pull the skin under your arms)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 4 Comments
February 10, 2009

‘What kind of driver I hate most’

A meme tagged by mahagurusia… (yes, I am too busy, lazy and needed a filler post)…

What kind of drivers do I hate most? Well, read on to find out…

1. I hate people who drive faster than I do…

2. I hate people who drive slower than I do…

3. I hate geriatrics behind the wheel, they suck

4. I hate young punks behind the wheel, they suck even more

5. I hate people who drive a small car and think that they’re riding a motorcycle…

6. I hate people who drive a locally made car and think that they’re driving an intercontinental…

7. I hate people who drive an intercontinental car and think they’re driving a sports car…

8. I hate people who drive a sports car because I’m fucking jealous…

9. I hate people who breathe inside a car…

10. I hate all motorized vehicle with people in it…

The truth is, I pretty much hate everyone when I drive. For some strange reason, I automatically become a misanthrope when I step into a car. I look calm most of the time when I am driving though, but deep inside that placid appearance, I would be imagining myself parking my car on top of the driver in front of me. Oh yeah, you people better stay away from me when I am behind the wheel…

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 9 Comments