Archive for August, 2009

August 13, 2009

stupidity redefined

I wanted to change the ownership of my existing Astro account from my cousin’s name to mine (the Astro account is in his name), so I called Astro to inquire what needs to be done. The attendant instructed me to fax in 2 specific forms. That was what I did this morning, fax in the forms.

Come this afternoon, my mom called me frantically and told me that our Astro service had been deactivated. So, I called Astro to check what was going on. The attendant told me that my account was deactivated to facilitate the requested ownership change process. Despite the fact that it was rather ridiculous to DEACTIVATE my account for a simple ownership change, I did not lash at the guy. Instead, I did the next most logical thing – I calmly asked how long is it going to take for them to reactivate back my account.

Me: “How long is this going to take? I’ve got a sick old woman at home dying of boredom…”

Attendant: “Usually 24 hours. But you need to provide me your fax number for me to verify your forms if they’re complete”

So I provided the fax number. He put me on hold for about a minute, and then came back with this…

Attendant: “I’m sorry sir, I checked the number you gave against our system but couldn’t find it. The fax must have failed to get through…”

Alright, take a short pause here to think… why was my account deactivated in the first place? Because I sent in a fax to request for an ownership change. That means, it couldn’t have been possible for them to disconnect my account if they had not gotten my fax, right?

Me: “This is impossible. You deactivated my account for an ownership change request, remember? How could you have done that if Astro did not receive my fax in the first place?”

He paused and then stuttered a reply,

Attendant: “Ermmm err, I checked the fax tray and your forms weren’t there…”

Me: “Of course they weren’t there. Someone must have retrieved the forms and processed my request – that’s why my account was deactivated! If it’s on the tray, I wouldn’t be calling you now. You should check with whoever that is handling the request! Not the tray!” [duh]

This is like calling up someone to tell him that you do not know his phone number.

Anyway, the guy eventually had to ask me to fax in another set of forms, on the condition that he’d reactivate my account right away without affecting my ownership change request. Another question beckons, if they could process the ownership change right away, why deactivate my account in the first place? Goddamn makahai.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 14 Comments
August 10, 2009

Jackie Chan syndrome

1st Level Analysis Report (MichaelOoi.net Inc)

Subject model
– a fair skinned lass with straight hair
– well built
– slightly protruding 2 upper incisors
– 5 ft 2 to 5 ft 4
– mid 20’s.

Problem statement
‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ on a female subject could reverse any delectable appeal (if exist) of that person and cause occupational hazard.

Team members
MichaelOoi (Investigations, Chief Gynaecologist & Report)

Observation
– Subject was a relatively young and well built female of Chinese descent.
– Eyes moderately sized. Hair was straight. No piercing / artificial modification visible.
– Gravity test yielded marginal pass – moderate sized mammary glands.
– Subject was wearing a tight fitting denim pants, accentuating the derriere region.
– Subject appears to be affected with ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’.
– No other anomaly observed.

Analysis & Risk assessment
– ‘Jackie Chan syndrome’ (JCS) – a condition where the inner thigh on both legs of a human subject do not come in contact with one another, resulting a noticeable ‘gap’ in between the legs. The symptom could be due to deformed bone structure, the lack of muscle/fat tissue on both inner thighs or abnormally large vagina.
– Deformation of bone structure could be due to an underlying bone disease, or a prolonged period of subjecting to unnatural postures such as riding a giant horse, a giant bike or a giant tree trunk (or any phallic shaped structure).
– Lack of muscle/fat tissue on both the inner thighs is usually attributed to malnutrition.
– Abnormally large vagina could be due to mutation from an underlying genetic disease, or a prolonged exposure of vagina to radioactive rays from a radioactive material.
– The size of gap is inversely proportional with the attractiveness rating of a subject – the bigger the gap, the less attractive the person is. Side effects to gawker include (but not limited to) – difficulty in breathing, asthmatic attack, insomnia, nausea, temporary blindness and for some terminal cases, permanent brain damage.

Corrective Action(s)
a) Wear long skirts to veil the symptom.
Upside: Immediate/quick solution. Natural outlook.
Downside: Not permanent. Not chic. Exposure to fleas from ground.

b) Silicone/saline bag implants to fill up the gap.
Upside: Permanent solution.
Downside: Expensive. Risk of infection. Unnatural outlook.

c) Amputation of both legs.
Upside: Permanent solution. Disability benefits. 50% reduction of cuticles.
Downside: Expensive. Immobility. Height reduction.

End of report.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 10 Comments
August 9, 2009

don’t censor

That’s the Old Man’s way to tell his government lackeys who has been peeving him all these while – LEAVE THE PORNS ALONE!

Internet should not be censored, says Tun Mahathir
KUALA LUMPUR: Former prime minister Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad said Saturday the Internet should not be censored in any way, and it was wrong to do so although some things needed to be disciplined.

“For example, there is too much violence coming through on the Internet.

“That, I think, we have a right to ban but as far as political thinking, if you are not instigating violence and things like that, I think the Internet should not be censored in any way,” he said.

He was speaking to reporters after delivering his speech at the Third Annual Malaysian Student Leaders Summit here.

He said that during his time of administration, he had given the undertaking that the government would not censor the Internet when it started the Multimedia Super Corridor (MSC) years ago.

“So maybe that was an undertaking given by me during my time. I don’t know whether that will commit the present government,” he added.

On Friday, Information Communication and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim said the government was looking to put up Internet filter to stop access to undesirable websites. However, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said the government had no intention of monitoring and censoring the Internet contents as the move would not only be ineffective but would also cause public dissatisfaction. – Bernama

Hell, I wonder if there is going to be another massive street demonstration in KL if the government were to censor porno on the internet. Probably a few dozen candle light vigils around as well. With dick and boob shaped beige candles of course.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 2 Comments
August 6, 2009

amphibian

My daughter Regine caught a rather bad cough so the doctor prescribed medication through the nebulizer for her. I do not know what the drug is called, all I know is – that shit is expensive. And because the nebulizer would churn out the med into gas in a constant manner, most of it (about 40 – 50%) would evaporate into the air.

That was why when Regine was trying to talk too much during the inhaling session, I sternly told her to “Stop talking and whiff the gas”. The reason is simple – the more she talk, the less gas she inhale, and more gas gets wasted. May not be significant, but at least it spares me from the psychological misery having the impression that I’m paying a lot for something to let off into the thin air.

But one of the shapeshifter nurses heard me (asking Regine not to talk), and came into the booth we’re in wearing this smarmy pedophiliac fake smile, and told Regine “No it’s ok. You can talk.” then turned to me and said “In fact, we encouraged some children to sing.”

Big mistake. First of all, it was rude of that nurse to interrupt my private family conversation. Secondly, I was offended with the fact that she was trying to overwrite my authority as a parent by speaking directly to my child. Thirdly, she’s being a motherfucking retard to ask my child to talk during an inhaling session (why couldn’t she just mind her own goddamn business??). That was why I decided to lash out at that nurse,

“How the hell is she going to inhale the gas if she’s talking??”

“Yes, one can definitely inhale while talking.”

Well, that’s something new – I thought. Maybe she has that special ability that no one else has.

“Ok, can you show me how do you do that (inhale and talk at the same time)?”

She didn’t/couldn’t show me. But she heard me, and came up with this lame ass reply,

“Oh we can definitely do that. We actually do it automatically.”

Automatically. Yeah right. Like an automobile gearbox? Or was she inferring that she could breath through her corrugated folds of wrinkled skin like a fucking frog? Nobody knows. I didn’t bother to further continue the conversation and waved her off – because I knew it would be a complete waste of my time.

It just pisses me off when someone stupid tries to act smart.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 10 Comments
August 4, 2009

man-pussies

Being a metrosexual has gone to a whole new frightening level in the 21st century. So frightening, that I seriously believe that if we do not do something about it (whether scientifically or psychologically), the male gender is going to obsolete its own balls and grow a vagina instead. Don’t believe me? Tell me, how many of you guys do these… :

Expensive shampoo or conditioner for hair
I’ve seen some guys discuss their shampoo preference openly. You know, split ends, dry hair, dandruff. What kind of extracts from which type of exotic plant it has. I do not know since when do guys worry about these petty stuff. What’s wrong with ordinary shampoo??

Expensive facial treatment
It’s also equally disturbing to know that some pussy boys pay to have their face washed for 2 hours. The end result? Still the same face. These metrosexuals don’t seem to be able to understand that our face secretes stinking oil/grease every fucking second and no facial treatment could prevent that from happening (unless of course, if you’re a corpse).

Manicure
I heard this on the radio the other day, that Pietro guy went to get his nails done. I was like, WTF??? It’s unbelievable really. Why would a guy need to get his nails done? Fucking escapes me. To enhance the experience of scratching their man-vagina perhaps.

Powder on face
I kid you not, my wife once saw a Malay neighbor (who’s a doctor) powdering his face inside his car with an applicator (which looked something like a miniature Roti Naan). He’s probably on his way to get his annual pap smear, I guess.

Trimmed eyebrows
There’s a rather effeminate guy character residing in our HR department at Company X, who had his eyebrows regularly trimmed thin like he’s auditioning for a drag queen contest. But that guy’s a guy though, because everything else looked normal – except his pair of fucking ridiculous eyebrows. So damn fucking pondan-ish.

Hand lotion
The only justifiable excuse for a guy to use the hand lotion, is when he needed to lube his dick for an aggressive session of anal sex with his girlfriend. Other than that, it’s just inexcusable. I’ve blogged about this before here.

The list goes on. Those are the disturbing ones that I know. Maybe only the tip of the iceberg, there are probably more disgusting ones that I couldn’t imagine. Like I have said, man we should really do something to change these pussy behaviors lest we’d all evolve into one common androgynous specimen…

michaelooi  | ramblings  | 16 Comments