August 17, 2009

my guest’s psychotic kid

As some of you have learned from my Facebook update, I had an SOS moment on Saturday – when I got a guest (a housewife) who paid an unplanned visit with her 4 year old daughter for A FEW HOURS. I almost died there because my ritual of relaxation during the weekend was severely interrupted. It wasn’t so much on that guest being unpleasant herself… but it was her psychotic daughter who actually gave me the biggest concussion. Why? Here are the reasons why.

That kid likes to scream.
She’d scream spontaneously at irregular intervals. When she feels like doing it, she’d just scream at her seemingly helpless mom. It was as if her eyes are intermittently hardwired directly to her vocal cords bypassing the brain. She sees something, the vocal cords are going to activate right away depending on the intermittent connection. You can imagine her working like a faulty motion sensor directly hooked to a loudspeaker alarm.

That kid likes to drum.
The most unfortunate thing was, there happened to be a drum in Regine’s toy box that day and that kid went apeshit with that thing. It was a din of madness drumming (and screaming) in my apartment for a few hours there. And you can imagine how both Emily and I felt when we saw the mom sitting right there not doing anything to calm her rampaging monster kid down, but would instead, act impressed like she had just discovered a hidden talent in her daughter that she had never seen before…

That kid likes to jump
For some weird reasons, the kid also likes to fucking jump. She’d jump/stomp all over my apartment and on my couch (along with the batshit screaming and drumming). If you’re a parent, let me tell you this one universal fact – NO ONE LIKES TO SEE THEIR COUCH GETTING JUMPED AT. If your kid jumps on your neighbor’s couch/sofa and your neighbor is smiling, he is most likely faking that smile and probably is cursing at you or your kid from inside. God I fucking hate kids who jump on my couch. Makes me feel homicidal.

That kid likes to cry
I understand that kids cry, being a parent myself. But trust me, this kid is like one of a kind when it comes to crying. It was like directly connected to the Earth’s rotating motion around the sun, the urge to cry comes at every hour for her (on top of the screaming, drumming and jumping around like a lunatic). I knew that because they spent a total of THREE fucking hours at my place and she must have cried like, four fucking times. So I suspected that not only her eyes are connected to her vocal cords but her fucking tear ducts as well (probably even celestially connected to the placement of the moon/asteroid belt as well). If she sees something that excites her (or when the sun belches a solar flare), her vocal cords are gonna trigger the screaming, and have the tear ducts activated simultaneously. I bet that if her future husband were to insert his dick into her mouth at the right time of the day, his cum’s gonna ooze out from her eyes while she screams like a banshee who gets impaled with a cattle prod.

Hell, short of puking green slime and looking a bit paler, she would have totally looked like a possessed person to me… and that would have made it excusable to toss that little demonic shit out from my balcony. But unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and I had to contend with all that bullshit by faking calm because apparently, on this planet, it is considered very unconventionally rude to scream at somebody else’s kid, even though the kid is the type that needed serious tranquilizing. Fuck.

michaelooi  | rantings  | 

13 Comments to “my guest’s psychotic kid”

  1. Lyn May says:

    Hahahahaha…hahahahaha…I can picture how you must have secretly gritted your teeth to the verge of shattering that day, helplessly faking calm at the little monster… :D

  2. Jasmine says:

    OMG…. I hate those parents that don’t deal with their kids’ behaviors…. I can empathize with you… sigh!!!!

  3. Eddie says:

    most of the Gen Y’s pretty fucked as it is now.. Gen Z’s going to be pretty useless.. and I hate it when parents bring their misbehaving kids to a restaurant and ruins every one’s mood.

  4. EinsamSoldat says:

    It is all due to those whimpy politically correct parenting shit about giving child high esteem and sparing the child from the rod/rottan :P

  5. MT says:

    Oh my God… I feel your pain dude. My cousins once came to my house with their demonic children and the children were doing the same damn things you mentioned, with one more thing included; they were torturing my cat. They kept pulling his ears and tail. I told my mom “Either YOU tell them to stop behaving like that or I will and if I do, they will NEVER come back here again!”

    In the end, the cat told them. He bit and scratched them and for the rest of the time they were there, they were just quiet. Hahahaha!!! :lol:

  6. Andre says:

    My guess is the child is either brain-damaged or the parents never set boundaries. Telling your kid “no” when they do something unacceptable and actually disciplining them when they challenge your authority is the only way to prevent kids turning out like the above terror case. I really detest people that drop in unannounced… there is no way to fake absence then ;)

  7. toothless says:

    all you need is some rope and huge cellophane tape.
    problem solved!

  8. Arkane says:

    I would tell the kid sternly to stop her nonsense. If the parent cannot control her, then my admonishment serves 2 purposes, to educate the kid AND the parent. I am sure she would feel embarassed if other people has to teach her kid on her behalf.

  9. michaelooi says:

    It’s easier to be said than done. Most of the time, advances to discipline a kid often draw rancor from the kid’s parents. So, why bother. I’d rather let the kid rot. The kid can only mess my place up for a day at most, but is gonna mess up for a lifetime in his/her own home.

  10. Boadicea says:

    take out a bowl of water.. and proceed to flick water on the kid and say in a loud firm voice “BEGONE SON OF SATAN, POSSESS NOT THE CHILD!” continue flicking more water on the kid.. Then tell the child’s mother that this should stop such behaviour, however, if it continues you’ll have to proceed to more vigorous procedures.

  11. Elaine says:

    Don’t you just want to scream at the mom, “Control your child!”?

    Some parents just don’t do that. Once, a young expat kid said to me, “I’ll kick your fucking balls, bitch” at a bday party I planned. Nevermind that I don’t have any balls and what did his mom say to that? “Aww…Kevin, don’t say that (insert an adoring smile here)”. All i did was tell the kid to not play with glass vase. If it was up to me, I’d smack him already for using such a language – he was only 5. It’s not the kid’s fault that they’re like that, it’s the parents for not knowing how to guide/control/discipline their children.

  12. michaelooi says:

    That’s what happens when hillbillies / ah sengs / ah lians procreate. They teach their kids how to be scums like themselves…

  13. mott says:

    LOL…Maybe, the mudder here needed to be told that it’s OK to scream the freaking shit outta the kid.

    Coz, alot of parents I know, are afraid of what they would look like if they walloped their kids in front of other parents.

    That’s what I normally do if I had guests. I’d say, if you need to scream/whack them…I’d understand. This is a safe house. ;)

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