Archive for July, 2009

July 14, 2009

please fuck off

I was inching in the middle of a traffic congestion, when my phone rang…

some chap on the phone: “Good morning sir, this is Ahmad calling from Shittybank about your homeloan. Are you Mr. Ooi?”

Yes, I indeed have a homeloan account with Shittybank. Thinking that something must be wrong, I decided not to hang up yet…

Me: “Yes, I am. Anything?”

Ahmad: “This is a service call [something something something]”

That bracket something something was an assortment of unintelligible shit of his deep Malay accent and warp speed talking. I couldn’t understand a thing he said and was slightly annoyed…

Me: “What do you want?”

Ahmad: “Are you still living in Gotham City?”

Gotham City is the name of my apartment. Not the real name of course…

Me: “Yes. What’s wrong?”

Ahmad: “What’s your unit number?”

That was when I snapped. My mortgage bank calls me to ask where I live?? There’s only so much bullshit I’d take. So I yelled at that guy…

Me: “What is this all about??”

Ahmad: “Oh I just wanted to verify if your phone contact is still valid…”

Me: “Well, you’re speaking to me now aren’t you?? What do you think???”

Ahmad: “Ok sorry. Thank you for all the prompt payment, appreciate it. [bla bla bla]”

It appears that the dickwad called just to verify if my contact number registered in their books is still valid. And to do that, he had to ask where I live… (What the fuck??)

I wonder – what’s with verifying my contact if I have been prompt with my payment anyway?? Why bother?? Shouldn’t it be the other way round (badger me if I don’t pay)??

That’s what happens when you get idiots to run the customer service… It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly stupid some people can be…

If you’re one of such person, heed this – CALLING US ON OUR PRIVATE NUMBER WON’T ENHANCE YOUR BANKING SERVICE!!! (well, unless you’re calling to announce that the bank wants to fucking waive all the money I owe… otherwise, please fuck off)

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 3 Comments
July 8, 2009

soalan-soalan matematik yang susah

Some Math questions in BeeEm for you guys to warm up… (pardon my BeeEm. My vocab level is only about 100 words, and even that includes words like kongkek and baruah…)

1. Anda sekeluarga pergi makan di restoran, dan hendak memesan empat cawan kopi tongkat ali, tiga batang popiah dan empat gelas susu kocak. Harga kopi tongkat ali ialah sepuluh ringgit secawan, popiah empat ringgit sebatang dan susu kocak lima belas ringgit segelas. Berapakah yang anda kena bayar untuk kesemua pesanan yang disebut?

2. Tinggi Ahmad ialah empat kaki. Rumah Ahmad ialah seribu kaki persegi. Berapa Ahmad kah yang boleh anda masukkan ke rumah itu?

3. Seekor anjing sedang mengejar sebuah motorsikal. Anjing tersebut memecut dengan kadar dua meter per saat persegi. Halaju motorsikal tersebut ialah 40 kilometer sesaat. Jarak antara anjing dan motorsikal ialah dua puluh lima meter. Berapa lamakah akan anjing itu ambil untuk mencapai belakang motorsikal tersebut?

4. Sebiji tetek yang bulat, dibahagikan kepada empat sektor dengan luas x, 2x, 3x dan 4x. Apakah sesudut yang paling kecil yang mungkin dalam bahagian-bahagian tersebut?

Jawapan-jawapan selepas terjun…
Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 26 Comments
July 5, 2009


If you think the Pulau Ketam stunt was bad, wait till you see this one…

Reminds me of the many Khmer Rouge atrocities I’ve read, minus the killings of course. And our government is making so much noise about being inducted in some shitty human trafficking list, when we have much bigger problems like this to worry about.

‘Ray of hope’ that turned out to be a nightmare
KUALA KUBU BARU: We were hit by the stench of faeces and urine the minute we walked into the men’s block at Taman Sinar Harapan located in a secluded area of the town here.

Mr A, a volunteer from a non-governmental organisation who goes to the home every Sunday to clean and feed the residents, opened the locked door at the back of the block and we were stunned by what greeted us.

About 30 stark naked men were inside the room, either lying down or sitting on the wet marble floor. In one part of the room, we saw a pool of blood, still fresh and red, on the floor.

Half of the men were locked behind bars like animals in a zoo while the others were able to move about in the front portion of the room. Those in the “jail cells” were segregated so that they would not harm their non-violent roommates.

“Those who are accidentally placed inside the cells with the more aggressive residents would be beaten or abused,” the volunteer revealed.

Most of them looked no older than 50 but they were just skin and bones and some looked extremely frail. One resident was lying on his stomach on a wooden bench and had passed motion; we almost gagged at its stench.

Fans were installed inside the room for better ventilation but that was the only luxury the men had. There were no beds, no toilets and not even blankets to keep them warm on cold rainy nights.

Those who were not in the “jail cells” were given beds but without any mattresses or pillows. They were, however, chained to the bed frame with metal chains and a steel lock.

We were told by a volunteer that they were restricted to prevent them from hurting themselves. The volunteer also shared that the men were not given any clothing as they had used their shirts to strangle themselves or the other men in the past.

After a briefing by Mr A, we got down to work. We were put in charge of spreading mats and towels on the floor.

The volunteers were all given different tasks. A group of about six or seven men were in charge of bathing the locked-up residents, the women were in charge of preparing the food and feeding the residents while the rest (there were two children in the volunteer group) were in charge of cleaning up the place and washing their clothes.

The residents were hosed down with water and soap by volunteers dressed in construction boots and a water proof apron.

After that, the male volunteers carried the naked men to the front part of the building for us to towel dry them.

After sensing our discomfort, a female volunteer nearby said: “It’s okay, they’re just like babies, you know, they don’t know anything.”

We proceeded to wipe them dry one by one before we were told to feed them with the yong tau foo bought by one of the volunteers.

The food was mashed to bits and mixed with soup to minimise the need to chew and to make feeding an easier task. so that the residents only needed to swallow them.

As we fed them, some ate obediently while others were greedy and stuffed their hands inside the bowls to take out larger portions of the food.

Some volunteers reprimanded the greedy ones who crawled towards the table to help themselves to more food. We noticed that some of the mentally disabled residents liked to hit themselves repeatedly. When we tried to stop them, they would fight back or just hit their body against the floor.

Mid-way through feeding, some volunteers suddenly rushed over to a young resident whose head was bleeding profusely. We were told that the boy had slipped and fell.

The volunteers immediately dressed him up, put him on a wheelchair and sent him to a hospital nearby.

After mopping the floor, we took a break and noticed that the residents were taken back into their cells to be locked up again.

It was nearly 4pm when everything was done. The residents were all bathed, fed and the place was clean enough.

We asked the volunteers what would happen to the residents on weekdays when the group was not there to offer their help.

“The caretakers don’t do much. There are only two of them while there are 50 residents. If it’s time to feed them, they would just walk one round with a bowl and feed whoever wants to eat. Those who don’t are left alone,” answered a volunteer.

She divulged that another charitable organisation had brought food for the residents but it was thrown away. “When the group asked why they did such a thing, the caretakers said that the residents would create a bigger mess if there was more food because they would defecate more often,” she said.

After the voluntary group had left, we stayed back to check out the other blocks.

The women’s wing looked cleaner and did not smell as bad but a handful of the women were seen walking about in the nude.

The two caretakers stationed at the block were seen watching TV and chatting.

We noticed that the women’s clothes were laid out to dry on a dirty floor caked with fungus. We walked over to the children’s block which seemed to be the best kept part of the home. It was decorated and there were proper beds. But the children were curiously quiet.

A volunteer claimed that the children were fed with cough syrup so that they would be sleepy and docile.

I personally believe, no matter how difficult a situation may be, there has got to be a proper way to deal with it. This isn’t proper. This is just an utterly despicable way of doing things. Those who are responsible for this should be prosecuted for the crime against humanity…

michaelooi  | snippets  | Comments Off
July 2, 2009

rock and roll son of heaven

This douche bag commented in my MJ post in Chinese:

惊悉摇滚天王Michael Jackson刚刚逝世,令全球粉丝悲痛万分。那是一个时代的结束,宛若上世纪猫王离世!不过值得庆幸的是Michael不像Myspace那样来大陆卖身(我这次仍然未指邓文迪);Jackson也不学Yahoo那样到内地做共匪的干儿子!——摘自《何健语录》欢迎转载,谢谢支持!

Being somewhat illiterate in Chinese, I did what most English ed losers would do – I fucking slapped the whole damn thing into Babelfish for translation and here’s what I got:

Was shocked to learn that rock and roll Son of Heaven Michael Jackson just passed away, makes the global bean or sweet potato starch noodles sorrowful extremely. That was one time conclusion, if the last century cat king left the world! However what is worth rejoicing was Michael does not look like Myspace such to come the mainland to sell into servitude (me this time still not to refer to Deng Wendi); Jackson study Yahoo such is not the Communist bandit to inland the adopted son! – – picks from “What Healthy Collected sayings” welcome the reprint, thanks the support

I almost died laughing.

‘rock and roll Son of Heaven Michael Jackson just passed away, makes the global bean or sweet potato starch noodles sorrowful extremely’.

Fuck. *wipes tears*

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 12 Comments
July 1, 2009

bitter memories : mugged at the mall

The first time (and only time) I got mugged was when I was 14 years old at a mall (it was at KOMTAR, if you need to know). I was with 3 of my friends, and we were heading towards the bus station from the arcade center, when a Chinese guy in his mid twenties pounced on us and started screaming in Hokkien,

“Kanneh mah eh cheeebye lu lang!!”
(“Fuck all of your mothers’ cunts!!”)

The guy who did the shouting had a set of buckteeth, and he looked like someone directly descended from the apes, bypassing the evolution process. You know… protruding eye sockets, untidy clothes, greasy hair, unusually dark in complexion. With him, was a nerdy guy who looked a little bit younger, but both of them were definitely bigger than 4 of us skinny fucks.

“Lu lang pak lim beh eh sio tee si boh???”
(“Aren’t you guys the ones who assaulted my brother???”) *or something like that…

The 4 of us were needless to say, terrified and stunned. We had no idea what the fuck the guy was talking about and what was about to happen. Both of the thugs then threatened to have all of us killed unless we follow them to ‘clarify the matter’. Then Buckteeth guy proceeded to headlock one of my friends out of the area, and Nerdy guy herded the remaining of us to follow them.

We eventually reached an alley not far from the mall, and that was only when we realized that all the drama was just a trick to get us away from the public and into the alley to get mugged. I don’t remember seeing any of them using a knife or anything dangerous, but for some strange reasons, none of us thought of fighting back or to run off. So we kind of foolishly stayed and complied with everything they wanted – our valuables. (thankfully, they weren’t into screwing bungholes…)

Buckteeth was quick to take charge, and set to work on 2 of my friends and at the same time, instructed Nerdy to handle my friend William and I. Completely out of sight with each other, they worked concurrently to cut the time short. I could hear Buckteeth screaming at the top of his lungs to instill fear at the other side of the alley, but Nerdy was a little bit calm with his request… he politely asked that I hand out my wallet without raising his voice. After some rummaging, he found a 5 ringgit bill and asked me,

“Goh koh?”
(“Five bucks?”)

Yeah, I only had 5 bucks in my wallet. With a disappointed look, he turned to my friend William and made the same request. 50 cents – that was all he found. That was when he exclaimed,

“Hamilanchiau?? Goh puat??”
(“WTF?? 50 cents??”)

Apparently, my friend William had used up all his money in the arcade center, and saved just enough to take a bus home. That’s why he only had 50 cents in his wallet. Not knowing what to do, Nerdy turned away in what seemed to be an attempt to consult Buckteeth on what to do with us, but Buckteeth was too busy shouting and yelling at my friends. So Nerdy turned to give us back our money (yeah, my 5 bucks and William’s 50 cents) and asked William in utter disbelief – ‘what the fuck are you doing in a mall with fifty cents??’ – and the 3 of us then laughed like jackasses. Because the mugging plan kind of foiled on both William and I, Nerdy decided to settle for a casual chat (eg ‘you guys still schooling or something?’) and told a few jokes while waiting for Buckteeth to complete his mugging…

We chatted for about a couple of minutes before it was all over. Both William and I didn’t lose anything from the incident, but the other 2 of my friends lost a couple hundred bucks plus a gold chain to Buckteeth. And as if the afternoon was not bizarre enough for both William and I, Nerdy thug actually gave William a 1 ringgit note from his own pocket before bolting off and asked him to bring more money to the mall the next time, and bade us a farewell.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 20 Comments