July 27, 2009


I had a rather big squid for lunch today, and somehow got reminded of what a friend of mine told me (about squids) many years ago.

That friend’s name is Ah Lung (means ‘dragon’ in Chinese). We were on a vacation together with a few other friends to Phuket. It was one of the most memorable vacations I ever had. Anyway, there was a particular time during the vacation when we were talking about having squids for dinner (or lunch… I forgot), when Ah Lung said something about squids…

Ah Lung : “Whatever you do, guys… don’t order squids. Especially the big ones.”

Then somebody had to ask him why…

Ah Lung : “Fuck me! You guys haven’t heard what they say about squids!? What the fuck??”

A couple of us let out a snigger. But I was one of those who did not get what he was talking about.

Ah Lung : “Alright, let me tell you this. You know, a lot of fishermen nowadays hire stinking Banglas to help out at the sea. And when they go out to the sea, they go for weeks. That’s when these bad things happen.”

I think I was the one who asked ‘What bad things?’.

Ah Lung : “These Banglas, not used to being away from land without sex, would get horny and fuck these giant squids! They’d remove the head out, insert their penis in there and jack off! So if you ever see a squid with only the head part without the body, stay away!”

I didn’t believe him at first.

Me : “Come on, you’ve got to be shitting me! Why can’t they just jack off? Why fuck a squid?”

Ah Lung : “People would fuck anything that resembles a cunt! Think about it. What else could be as soft as a goddamn squid and has a harmless moisty hole for them to fuck?? You can choose not to believe this man, but what if it’s true? Can you imagine that? Maybe those whitish protein laden eggs aren’t really squid eggs…”

He was right. Even if there were to be a fragment of truth in it, we’d be fucked big time. I never looked at squids the same way again from that day on, well… until today… I got careless. I already finished the whole motherfucking squid when Ah Lung’s booming voice reverberated across my hollow mind… *cues in suspenseful violin music* Ptui ptui!

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 

15 Comments to “squids”

  1. Arkane says:

    The squid you buy from the market comes with the head one lah. Ah Lung is shitting you.

  2. Caroline says:

    omg. thats the most disgusting n interesting fact ive heard all day and i just cant stop laughing now! Sorry mike, im not laughing at ur misfortune, just the fact that squids are used to jack off!

  3. suanie says:

    fuck. i’m so regretting that i read this post.

    then i’m happy i read arkane’s comment :P

  4. ShaolinTiger says:

    Was it extra salty?

  5. Quinn says:

    Any eggy protein in yours?
    Fuck! Dragon can’t be serious!

  6. michaelooi says:

    Arkane / Suanie – Well, isn’t it a comforting thought that some of these fishermen might be considerate enough to STUFF BACK the squid body into its head after fucking it? Awesome.

    Caroline – What misfortune? The squid I had didn’t have any eggs in it, ok?

    ShaolinTiger – It was spicy. Btw, what’s with ‘salty’ anyway? You sound experienced.

    Quinn – Dragon may not be serious, but then, now that I have posted this, don’t you think it might give some people new ideas how to be kinky with our food?

  7. beriani guy says:

    Gosh this is a gross story.. No more sotong kangkung?? ..but wait a minute.. i heard almost the same story about roti canai mamak wearing a ring… must be from Ah Lung too.. so if you have roti canai..and it smells & look funny..take note about the ring on his finger.. hehe

  8. Quinn says:

    If I ever go back to Malaysia, point to note: not to eat roti canai which might have indian poop in it, not to eat squid which might have bangla sperms. Lemme know if there’s anymore. Thanks people!

    p/s: Thanks Michael, that’s so sweet of you to praise my Tiramisu and Aaron fucking doesn’t think he is the luckiest bloke alive, really.

  9. bongkersz says:

    Er.. is this a deja vu or what? I think I read this before!! :D You blogged about this back then no? Hmm.. I’m confused.

  10. Calvin Foo says:

    We should avoid eatting cucumbers, purple eggplants, or anything has similar shape, who knows some Vietnamese girl farmers used it as dildo as well.

  11. michaelooi says:

    beriani guy – ‘Sotong kangkung’ is actually made from soaked cuttlefish, not squids ler…

    Quinn – Well, it takes someone to miss something to be able to appreciate it… so… try stop cooking for your beau for the next 100 days, he’d change.

    bongkersz – No I have not written anything about this before…

    Calvin – Well I guess it is ok if it’s really Vietnamese girl farmers… but not those aunties who peddle laksa by the roadside… (who also would conveniently recycle the cucumbers for her laksa…)

  12. jen says:

    i love eating squid, but not anymore =.=

  13. toothless says:

    whoa.. now this can make one of the best starvation weight-lost program…

  14. beriani guy says:

    It’s a relieve to know Sotong Kangkung uses cuttlefish.. makesure squids come with heads intcat..but laksa aunties..hmmm very difficult to guess..’ …Skip the timun auntie pls..” hehehe

  15. Shar says:

    Suddenly I am glad that I am allergic to seafood.

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