My 3 year old daughter has been going around the house lately to ‘claim’ stuff as her’s. So far, she has claimed her writing desk (of course), her book rack, our room door, the dining table, a couple of dining chairs and the wall.
Then yesterday, she came to me, flashed me a quick smile and ‘claimed’ one of my most prized possessions…
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I had a rather big squid for lunch today, and somehow got reminded of what a friend of mine told me (about squids) many years ago.
That friend’s name is Ah Lung (means ‘dragon’ in Chinese). We were on a vacation together with a few other friends to Phuket. It was one of the most memorable vacations I ever had. Anyway, there was a particular time during the vacation when we were talking about having squids for dinner (or lunch… I forgot), when Ah Lung said something about squids…
Ah Lung : “Whatever you do, guys… don’t order squids. Especially the big ones.”
Then somebody had to ask him why…
Ah Lung : “Fuck me! You guys haven’t heard what they say about squids!? What the fuck??”
A couple of us let out a snigger. But I was one of those who did not get what he was talking about.
Ah Lung : “Alright, let me tell you this. You know, a lot of fishermen nowadays hire stinking Banglas to help out at the sea. And when they go out to the sea, they go for weeks. That’s when these bad things happen.”
I think I was the one who asked ‘What bad things?’.
Ah Lung : “These Banglas, not used to being away from land without sex, would get horny and fuck these giant squids! They’d remove the head out, insert their penis in there and jack off! So if you ever see a squid with only the head part without the body, stay away!”
I didn’t believe him at first.
Me : “Come on, you’ve got to be shitting me! Why can’t they just jack off? Why fuck a squid?”
Ah Lung : “People would fuck anything that resembles a cunt! Think about it. What else could be as soft as a goddamn squid and has a harmless moisty hole for them to fuck?? You can choose not to believe this man, but what if it’s true? Can you imagine that? Maybe those whitish protein laden eggs aren’t really squid eggs…”
He was right. Even if there were to be a fragment of truth in it, we’d be fucked big time. I never looked at squids the same way again from that day on, well… until today… I got careless. I already finished the whole motherfucking squid when Ah Lung’s booming voice reverberated across my hollow mind… *cues in suspenseful violin music* Ptui ptui!
I was at the lab working on something, and was unreachable by phone. There was this Malay auditor, who wanted to check some stuff I had in the lab. He first shot me an email that goes like this:
Michael
That ### Core LF solder, What is the quantity you kept at your work area
For example one roll, what is the weight and total kept for one year as below
6 roll x 1kg = 6 kg/year
Alright, the guy basically wanted to know, how much Lead Free solder wire do I have in my lab. It was a simple and straight question. I replied him with a very short sentence:
### Core LF solder on-hand qty = ½ kg
So the guy wanted to know how much solder do I have, and I told him ½ kg. Case closed… so I thought. About a couple hours later, the auditor popped up in my instant messenger, and asked me this…
Auditor : “for ### LF solder we need to know, what of the roll or in weight you plan to keep. As U mentioned, the remaining is half kg”
I don’t actually know what was he trying to ask there. I thought he probably wanted to know my consumption rate because I conveniently left out the ‘per year’ request in his email. I explained to him,
MichaelOoi : “The ½ kg is the weight for 1 roll and that’s the only 1 roll we have. This roll will be kept until it is eventually depleted (which is not likely to happen due to low consumption… )”
I thought that was all, but he came back to ask another question,
Auditor : “I need to record down how many rolls you want to keep for month or year”
I told him 1 roll, didn’t I?
MichaelOoi : “Plan to keep forever. Only that 1 roll.”
But the auditor still couldn’t get the message. More questions.
Auditor : “I mean what is your plan to store that solder at your area. how many rolls, may be 2 roll for one year like that”
That was when I had enough typing to explain this to him. It was like explaining to a wall. The communication barrier we had was hindering our productivity. So I picked up the phone, called the auditor and fucking explained everything to him verbally in one breath, with BeeEm.
Auditor, saya hanya ada SATU GULUNG solder sahaja. Dan saya ingin simpan itu solder sampai 100 tahun, kalau saya tak mati terdahulu. Ok?
He then replied a short ‘ok got it’ and we hung up.
*puke electrons*
My wife and I have been trying hard to teach our 3 year old daughter the difference between singular and plural. You know, one bird, many birds.. shit like that. You know how difficult it is. But for Regine, it is simply by conveniently adding an ’s’ to a word to make it plural.
Yesterday, Emily was making a remark about a horse on a TV program and Regine heard her. With the same corrective tone and expression she learned from her mother, she was quick to correct the ‘mistake’…
“Mommy, only ONE. You don’t say ‘horse’. You say ‘whore’. Say it.”
Apparently, my daughter thought the ’s’ in ‘horse’ is the marker of a plural word (she actually pronounced ‘horse’ as ‘whores’)… So, naturally, the singular of ‘horse’ should be ‘whore’. You know, she would have been right if she’s actually referring to a real prostitute there… but that’s just overly optimistic…
*smacks head*
My friends and I were leaving from an important event, and were in the same car. Bitten by exhaustion and fatigue, none of the guys was talking much. Thinking of lightening up the mood a little, I playfully remarked about a certain girl whom we saw at the event earlier…
“Man, that Jane sure has a huge pair of tits, don’t you guys think so? I can imagine them being so firm and bouncy…”
Just as I was about to vividly detail the various imaginable fun things I could do with Jane’s pair of well endowed funbags, I suddenly realized that I was getting this seriously disgusted stare from all the guys – like I was the sickest pervert on the planet.
A moment of silence ensued, with myself heavily processing what the fuck was going on. It was then dawned on me, that none of the guys knew the name of that big tittied girl we saw at the event (I know her though). And coincidentally, the name ‘Jane’ is also shared by another friend’s wife… who was ALSO at the event (and also, *cough*… well endowed *cough*).
So, it was a gross misunderstanding there. My friends thought I was slobbering on another friend’s wife! The disgusted stare was all about my reputation being put on the line there…
“NOOOOOOO YOU SICK BASTARDS! I was referring to the OTHER Jane… ” and I had to explain the whole thing to them… the right Jane, and the wrong Jane. Which Jane’s tits I was referring to. Fortunately, their exhaustion did not dampen their cognitive ability, and manage to get the facts straight, which they then laughed off like a bunch of sickest perverts on the planet.
What a fucking close call indeed. Who would have thought that a simple case of mistaken identity could nearly go terribly wrong like this?