Archive for May, 2009

May 12, 2009

full of shit

“Hee Yit Foong”, a name no stranger amongst us Malaysians. For Perakians, she’s even more well known than Shah Rukh Khan. Allegedly known as the lady who betrayed the whole state government because of a Toyota Camry.

She has been in the headlines a lot lately – from grabbing the State Assembly microphone (sounds obscene eh?), to tearing a 1 ringgit note. But the most interesting of them all, was the allegation that she used a pepper spray on one of the ADUNs in the state assembly hall.

Like a typical full of shit politician, she immediately came up with a half assed denial that she was merely using a ‘hotel key chain’ to point at the meanie who kept harassing her. Must be one hell of a scary key chain, isn’t it? Well, she held on to that claim until somebody came up with a picture (actually a video) of her holding a – tadaaaa! pepper spray! (see pic below) Or a key chain that looks like a pepper spray… (could be also an unusually short dildo as well… who knows?).

So, again, like a typical full of shit politician, she came up with another half assed damage control reply – this time, she said it was ‘not her pepper spray’ (hey, what happened to the ‘key chain’ claim? She can’t differentiate a key chain from a fucking pepper spray?? wtf???). Here is the article on Monday’s TheStar:

Hee: It was not my pepper spray
IPOH: Perak Deputy Speaker and Jelapang assemblyman Hee Yit Foong said the pepper spray device she had been accused of using to attack a Pakatan Rakyat rep with during last Thursday’s chaotic Assembly was not hers.

She claimed the device had been flung at her earlier during a fracas.

She said she does not know how to even operate such a device, and that she had held it up to Aulong assemblyman Yew Tian Hoe to demand if he was the one who had flung it at her.

Last Thursday’s Perak State Assembly had degenerated into a fracas, with Yew claiming that Hee — whose resignation from DAP was a key factor that ultimately saw the state falling to Barisan Nasional hands — had attacked him with a pepper spray device.

Yew has lodged a police report over the incident.

I wonder how hard is it to ‘operate’ a pepper spray. I thought it is just like how you would use a hair spray? You know, point nozzle at desired location, and press? You do not need to install software to do it, you definitely do not need to do whatsoever setup prior using it. Point, and press. And this ADUN made a ludicrous claim that she doesn’t know how to use a pepper spray… I don’t know, but somebody please tell me, is she downright motherfucking stupid or what?? She could have claimed that she does not own a fucking pepper spray because she’s born ugly – that would have been a much more believable excuse…

Then in today’s news, she came out again, this time, to make herself sound like the victim – that she was freaked out when she realized she was holding a fucking pepper spray instead of a hotel key chain/dildo/combo (or the key chain magically turned into a pepper spray much to her bewilderment, the opposition used black magic bla bla). I wonder what next, that the person in the picture is not 100% her? Anyway, here’s the article in TheStar today :

It was thrown at me, claims Hee
IPOH: Yet another version has emerged of the so-called pepper spray incident during the Perak State Assembly that involves Jelapang assemblyman Hee Yit Foong.

This time she insisted that someone else had thrown the pepper spray and a hardcover edition of the standing orders at her during the fracas at last Thursday’s assembly.

“I thought it was a key ring but when I realised what it was, I was scared.

“I was shocked because this was not something that everyone could bring in (past the tight security). Only when the assembly was over did I dare leave the hall,” she said at a chaotic press conference at the state secretariat here yesterday.

Asked on the video footage that supposedly showed Hee holding the device in the direction of Aulong assemblyman Yew Tian Hoe, Hee said that Yew had repeatedly harassed her.

She explained that when Yew approached her for about the fifth time, she held out the device and demanded to know if he had thrown it. She added that she would lodge a police report over the incident.

Well, she definitely doesn’t look that ‘SHOCKED’ and ‘SCARED’ in that picture (see above) to me. She looks like some enraged housewife who has discovered the thief who has been stealing her prized foot-long cucumber from her garden. Or someone full of shit.

michaelooi  | snippets  | 10 Comments
May 7, 2009

cut the poor little shit some slack

Emily : “That day when my colleague was sending her 5 year old daughter to tuition, she…”

Me : “Wait, did you just say your colleague sent her 5 year old daughter to attend a tuition class?”

Emily : “Yes”

And I went like ‘WTF???’. Yes people. 5 year old, tuition. Why would a 5 year old need to tuition for? I don’t know man. To prepare in advance for his/her STPM 13 years in advance perhaps. My take on this is – modern parents have became too paranoid to be rational nowadays.

When I was 5 years old, I didn’t give a shit about anything at all. I’d just play all day long, entertain my own mischievous ass and busy getting walloped by my mom. That’s pretty much about it. Tuition? What tuition?

And I’ve also heard from around that it’s a fad nowadays to send young children to some kind of center to train them how to do arithmetic at lightning speed. Or some flash card therapy that would make their IQ increase by 200% or something. I’m sure you’ve heard of them before. All these self-proclaimed ‘genius training centers’ have one thing in common – input $$$, output confused kid. But notwithstanding being expensive and redundant like fuck, people still flock to these centers to sign up their kids. (kiasu, as a lot of Singaporeans like to say…)

My take on all these is, they are nothing but a bunch of tactics to part your money from your wallet. The cold hard fact is – your child is not going to be any smarter by being able to read or do his maths faster. The point is to understand stuff, and get the correct answer. Nobody gives a fuck if he can solve some math equation with his sheer brain power. He’s still as useless if he couldn’t figure things out (talking about power, I bet no kid is able to beat the speed of a 100 bucks scientific calculator). So what’s the point? If you want to start something for your kid young anyway, why don’t you teach him/her plenty of common sense? Or proper manners (eg: not to eat so loud like a pig)? Those are definitely more useful than being able to ‘speed read’, or… ‘speed calculate’.

Another point to ponder: In the ancient times, people don’t have such classes to attend. But we managed to churn very bright individuals like Thomas Edison and countless of inventors who started the industrial revolution and changed the planet forever. But what do we have now? Bunch of tree hugging nincompoops, corrupted politicians, spams, conmen, terrorists, and motherfucking blue screens. And you still think we’re doing it better than our forefathers? Come on. So why don’t we let our kids enjoy their childhood happily? Just cut the poor little shit some slack.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 22 Comments
May 5, 2009

oh yeah

Me : “Wow, look at that. Smooth smooth, fair fair.”

Colleague : “Oh yeah.”

Me : “Her pubes must be very black. Accentuated by her glowing fair skin.”

Colleague : “Hahah yeah. Hey, check out that one.”

Me : “Oh, her. I bet that her’s is cleanly shaven. No hair.”

Colleague : “How would you know?”

Me : “Athletic maa. Active in sports maa. It’s gonna stink if too much hair, with all that sweat.”

Colleague : [chokes]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 12 Comments
May 4, 2009

I am goofy and I don’t even know it

You know, I heard from around that kids under 10 years and geriatrics over 50 years do not have the ability to detect sarcasm. I had the chance to put the theory to test today.

I was going through the Company X security checkpoint. The procedure’s like what they do at airports, put all your belongings in a basket, and walk through a metal detector. But after I put all my stuff in the basket, the housewife security guard in charge (of about retirement age) stared at me with a concerned look and mumbled something under her breath…

Housewife guard : “… wallet… . … ..”

Me : “I’m sorry, what did you just say about my wallet?”

Housewife guard : “I need you to flip open your wallet. We are conducting random checks.” [gestures to flip wallet]

She looked very serious when she said that. Her eyeballs were like popping out.

You see, the thing about my ‘wallet’ is – it isn’t really a wallet. It’s more like a credit card holder/case. It’s made of leather, about half the size of a conventional wallet, and it only has enough little slots to store a handful of cards. Nothing else. Very small.

And this guard, demanded me to flip open my ‘wallet’. Not the other guy’s big wallet (there was another guy there), but mine. I complied nevertheless.

Me : [flips open wallet]

Housewife guard : [stern look] “Ok, you may go.”

I then said this to her out of reflex when I was putting my stuff back in my pockets,

Me : “So, you suspected that I hid the company notebook computer inside my wallet huh?”

Anyone with half a brain would have figured that I was being sarcastic. But I overestimated her intelligence…

Housewife guard : “Nooooo, how could you fit a notebook computer into your wallet?? It’s too big, right??” [looks at me contemptibly and in disbelief]

She must have thought what a retard I was. Like, there’s no way one could fit in a notebook computer into a wallet, right? Even if that’s possible, it would have been a revolutionary feat… hmmppffff.

Well, at least I know this would give her a story to tell over dinner for many more seasons in her life… about a goofy engineer in her workplace who thought he could fit a notebook computer into his wallet. (ahhahaahh mahai)

Conclusion: Sarcasm don’t go down very well with AT LEAST ONE geriatric over 50 years of age, at Company X.

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 2 Comments