Archive for May, 2009

May 27, 2009

goddamn porch hogger

It was raining heavily a couple days ago, and I had to get the car to fetch Emily and Regine at the apartment porch. Because they were still getting ready in the apartment, I had to wait for them at the parking lot. Then suddenly, a porcine Indian lady came along and shoved her car under the porch. She then got down and stood beside her vehicle, apparently, waiting for someone.

I thought she was going to be quick, so I did not confront her or anything. But she was still hogging the porch when Emily and Regine came out. Sensing something wrong, the Indian lady asked Emily

Indian lady : “Are you waiting for someone? You need me to move my vehicle?” [duh.]

Emily politely replied,
Emily : “Yes, my husband’s over there. I’d appreciate if you can move your car now”

Indian lady : “Now? You need me to move now?”

Emily : “Yes, please.”

Indian lady : “Are you sure? You want me to move now?”

Emily : “YES. NOW.”

And she kept asking ‘are you sure, are you sure, are you sure’. I don’t know if that Indian lady was really retarded, but it looked more like she was trying to buy time for her passenger to come out…

I, on the other hand, couldn’t wait any longer so I went to the porch myself with an umbrella. When I reached there, I remarked this to her,

Me : “You know lady, you shouldn’t have waited here. There are others that need to use the porch.”

She then retorted with a half assed excuse.

Indian lady : “I have a sick old lady to pick up!”

I noticed one thing about my Indian neighbors, every time they do something inconsiderate, they always would justify it with something to do with either a sick old lady or a sick old man. Nothing else (search my archive, blogged about them before). I bet if they were to be given a chance to rule North Korea, they’d launch an ICBM nuclear warhead to Pakistan with the excuse – “I am doing it at the behest of my old sick amma”. FUCK!!!

Me : “Whatever. Your old lady is not here yet. You could have waited somewhere else until she comes out, and let others use the porch.”

Indian lady : “You could have requested me to move my car, I would have done that.”

She smugly looked at me like she had just quoted something intelligent and was probably expecting an applause or something. But wasn’t that what Emily did before I came to talk to her? To ask her to fucking move her car? Anyway, I stopped talking to her after that, because I knew I couldn’t expect much to come out from someone as stupid as a box of poppadom. I then flippantly remarked something nasty about her in Hokkien and left the place with my family with the umbrella.

And yes, she was still standing there like a stump when we left. (I also saw another family had to brave through the pouring rain with an umbrella because of her inconsideration)

michaelooi  | experiences  | 17 Comments
May 25, 2009

my ex-boss Rob

In conjunction of the World Hepatitis Day on 19th May, I am writing this post to commemorate my ex-boss Rob (if you can remember him, I used to blog about this motherfucker like, a lot), who recently died of liver cancer from a hepatitis infection. o_O

Alright, he’s actually still alive, no hepatitis or whatsoever. I made up the story to make it sound better. He is, in fact, enjoying his life right now. Doing nothing. Last I heard, after he went to China, he got promoted to a senior manager. With his new handsome paycheck, he splurged his money on women, patronized brothels and posh nightclubs to satisfy his everyday perversion (he was already a well known whore hound back in Penang). Soon it got out of control and eventually, he hooked up permanently with a barely pubescent China doll, divorced his wife, left his children with her and moved with the doll to Singapore to do something of even less significance, but with an even bigger paycheck.

That bastard is sure a lucky son of a bitch. He’s progressing exponentially by not doing anything (while screwing someone who’s young enough to be his daughter) – while people like me (and you) who toil under the hot office fluorescent lights working our ass off get stagnant in our career. Life is certainly fucking fair. (squeezes mouse hard)

I recently found a photo of him while browsing my HDD, and decided to post it up here, in case any of you wants to beat him up for good or something (or put a face to that ‘Rob’ name). He’s the one with his mouth wide open, without a hat and sparse curly hair.

Read the rest of this entry »

michaelooi  | characters  | 16 Comments
May 20, 2009

boiling point

A couple weeks ago, I received a call from my ISP on my cellphone while I was analyzing a very important report at work. It was a young guy on the line and asked me if I was at home,

Me : “I’m sorry, but I am at work now. Just like you, earning a living to pay bills. Anything?”

Bloke : “Oh nothing Mr. Ooi, just wanted to check your router’s serial number, which you purchased from us 3 years ago”

Me : “I’m not going to be at home just for that. Why don’t you send me an email instead, I’ll just check and mail you the serial number tonight?”

Bloke : “Ok Mr. Ooi, I will do that, thanks”

And he hung up. A few days went by, no email. Then a lady called me on my cellphone to ask for the same thing, again, when I was busy saving the world at work. Like what I told the previous guy, I told the lady that I’m at work and I don’t conveniently carry my router’s serial number everywhere I go.

Me : “A few days ago, a bloke called to ask for the same thing. I asked him to email me, but he didn’t.”

Lady : “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. I will send you an email right away.”

Then she hung up. Again, no email, no sms, nothing. Fast forward a week later, which was yesterday, ANOTHER MALAY LADY called me up to ask for the same thing – my router’s serial number, when I was busy troubleshooting some intricate engineering work with a couple of engineers. This time, I snapped.

Me : “This is the third time you imbeciles call me! I’m at work and I couldn’t possibly provide you the details under my router, don’t you understand??? That’s why I asked your colleagues to send me an email! Why can’t you people just do it already??? You would have gotten the stupid serial number had any of you sent me a goddamn email!!!!”

Lady#2 : “Sorry sir I didn’t know that somebody had called you earlier…”

Me : “YEAH, NEITHER DID ANY OF YOUR STUPID COLLEAGUES! For the record, I so want to send you the serial number right now, just so that you’ll stop bugging me! But I CAN’T! I’m AT WORK! Why is it so hard for you guys to send out an email???”

Lady#2 : “I’m really sorry about that, so should I send it to your work email?”

Me : “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SEND IT TO MY WORK EMAIL ADDRESS!!? I already told you I can’t check my router’s serial number at work!!! What is wrong with you!?”

Lady#2 : “Sorry, sorry, but what’s your home email address?”

Me : “You’re my ISP and you don’t know my email address??? Check your records lah!!!”

Lady#2 : “Ok, ok…… got it got it”

Me : “Can you send it now? Now??? Do it now! NOW!!!! And please don’t ever call me again!”

And I remember I screamed at her somewhere in the middle of the conversation. Forgot what I screamed but, it was nasty. I was like, channeling all my cumulative frustrations at her through the phone and I shut both my eyes when I did that – much to the engineers’ bewilderment. I could tell that the lady was at the verge of crying, but hell, I didn’t care back then. I just wanted to let out. If there were to be a dog nearby, I would have grabbed the damn animal and bit it to death. (It’s been some time since I was this mad).

Anyway, I received the email that very night… and those idiots finally got what they fucking wanted.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | 11 Comments
May 18, 2009

the sushi king greet

I noticed a lot of restaurants recently adopted what I would call ‘the sushi king greet’ to improve their customer experience. You know, where the restaurant employees would holler out loud whenever you enter/leave their premise? “SUMAAMMAHSSSEHHHH!” (it’s in Japanese, but I have no idea what it means. Could be cussing at your mother, who knows).

It used to be only Sushi King that does this, but now, I experience it in roughly 5 out of 10 restaurants I visit. I can’t help but wonder, what makes them think that hollering a greet would make my dining experience any better (it does not, trust me)? Maybe it is just me but, each time I get hollered at like that, I get reminded of my mom.

“COME AND EAT YOUR DINNER!!! I’M NOT GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN!!!” [waving fist in the air]

I was at McDonald’s the other day… and noticed that the premise adopted ‘the sushi king greet’ policy. I guess the crew was still getting used to the idea, and as a result of that, they would just holler indiscriminately at anyone who enters the premise. I was eating inside there for about 15 minutes, and I had seen them holler at
– the janitor who works there going through the door,
– the guy who was on his way (from outside) to use the lavatory,
– a couple of Bangla laborers, who got freaked out and left immediately without ordering (and the crew hollered another “THANK YOU COME AGAIN!!!”).

I bet if there were to be a dog entering the restaurant, they’d holler at it too. No shit. So you can imagine the ambiance of the place when there were patrons pouring in for lunch, you’d get a bunch of crazy sohais yelling non-stop sending their spit projectiles all over our fries and burgers. It was just a brainless procedure that they follow without any value at all.

I mean, there are many ways that a restaurant can do to enhance my dining experience, but this is definitely not it. Give me boobies anytime, I’ll come back.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 21 Comments
May 14, 2009

where is Mark?

A Malay lady made a quick stop by my office cube, to inquire the whereabouts of a colleague…

Malay lady : “Hi, Mark mana?”

Me : “Kat rumah.

Malay lady : “Kat rumah?”

Me : “Ya. Emak saya ada kat rumah.

Malay lady : [feet in the air]

michaelooi  | dialogs  | 6 Comments