Archive for April, 2009

April 21, 2009

ABC’s about me

Another meme, tagged in Facebook…

You’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with the ABC’s of YOU. At the end, choose 26 people to be tagged. You have to tag me so really you just need 25 more people. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you – but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

(To do this, go to your profile. Choose “boxes”; click “see all” under “notes”; click “write a note” and paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your ABC’s of Me, tag 26 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

*****

A – Ass : I like.

B – Bitch : I don’t like.

C – Constipated : I never get.

D – Dick : I have one.

E – Enema : I never had.

F – Fuck : I mention a lot.

G – Gonad : I have two.

H – Horny : I sometimes am.

I – Idiots : Worked with many.

J – Jokes : I tell a lot.

K – Kamasutra : I never read.

L – Love : I have plenty.

M – Money : I have little.

N – Need : An early retirement.

O – Obnoxious : My middle name.

P – Pimp : My dream job.

Q – Q-tips : I use a lot.

R – Romantic : I am not.

S – Sins : I have committed.

T – Tits : Are my passion.

U – Underpaid : I always am.

V – Virgin : Not anymore.

W – Wisdom : I didn’t remove.

X – XXX : I have watched.

Y – Young : Many years ago.

Z – Zonked : I seldom get.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | 5 Comments
April 20, 2009

ISO 9000 2

It has been some time since I wrote anything dirty. With too much time at hands, I wrote another ISO procedure today. See if you guys can comprehend the whole thing.

*****

1.0 Purpose and Scope
1.1 This document defines the basic spontaneous fellatio between 2 individuals.
1.2 This procedure is only applicable to humans.

2.0 Reference
2.1 The human penis [Wikipedia]
2.2 The human mouth [Wikipedia]

3.0 Definition
3.1 Fellatio – The act of stimulating a penis to orgasm with the mouth.
3.2 Penis – A rod-like sex organ of a male gender. Usually flaccid but will erect and harden like a rock when excited/provoked
3.3 Mouth – A cavity located at the head with a primary function of receiving food, secondary function of communication, and tertiary function of stimulating a penis to orgasm.
3.4 Blower – The party providing the oral stimulation (fellatio) with the mouth.

4.0 Responsibilities
4.1 The male is responsible to
   4.1.1 get consent from the prospective blower before revealing his penis.
   4.1.2 provide the use of his penis for the fellatio process.
4.2 The male is NOT responsible for any potential gagging reflex that resulted from the fellatio.
4.2 The blower is responsible to provide the use of his/her mouth for the fellatio process, and undertakes any risks that resulted from the act.

5.0 Procedure
5.1 The male subject or the blower shall begin the process by removing all layers of clothing article covering the male penis.
5.2 The blower shall arouse the male penis to erection through following acts (if already erected, skip to 5.3):
   5.2.1 Stroking the nutsack gently.
   5.2.2 Stroking the penis gently between the glans and the shaft. (refer 2.1)
   5.2.3 Abrade the penis with all consented means possible.
5.3 Hygiene
   5.3.1 If hygiene is not intended, skip to 5.4
   5.3.2 Unwrap a pack of condom, and sheath penis into it.
   5.3.3 Or alternatively, the male can request the blower to help him wear the condom orally
   5.3.3 The whole process should be executed in less than 3 seconds, else start back at 5.2.
5.4 The blower shall insert the erected male penis into the mouth, and stimulate it repeatedly.
5.5 Stimulation shall include (but not limited to)
   5.5.1 Rubbing around the penis head with tongue
   5.5.2 Rubbing the blower’s teeth with the penis
   5.5.3 Controlled chewing of the penis head
   5.5.4 Sucking of the penis
   5.5.5 Sucking of the penis and massage nutsack with hand(s)
   5.5.6 Wrenching the penis simultaneously with mouth and hand(s)
   5.5.7 Sandwiching and stroking penis with breasts
   5.5.8 Foot fetish – Stroking the penis with toes
5.6 Advanced stimulation techniques
   5.6.1 If advanced techniques is not required, skip to 5.7
   5.6.2 Deep throat – inserting the penis deep into the oral cavity to touch the throat, causing a gag reflex.
   5.6.3 Turkey Slap – have the penis swat on blower’s face repeatedly.
   5.6.4 Tea Bag – blower positioned upside down during fellatio, and male’s nutsack pressing against blower’s face.
5.7 The blower shall continue to stimulate the penis until the male exhibits any of the following redflag indicator,
   5.7.1 Spasmodic twitching at the hips of the penis owner
   5.7.2 The penis owner starts to moan
5.8 Upon the identifying the redflag indicator, the blower can choose to
   5.8.1 Continue the fellatio until the penis ejaculates in the mouth, with the options to
      5.8.1.1 Spit out the semen
      5.8.1.2 Ingest the semen to reap any possible nutritional benefits
   5.8.2 Stop the fellatio but continue to stimulate penis with hands until penis ejaculates externally
   5.8.3 Stop the fellatio until penis becomes flaccid again and restart process at 5.2.
   5.8.4 Dot The Eyes – Blower to position penis pointing at his/her face, and stroke until ejaculation occurs.
5.9 Mouth / penis shall be washed.

6.0 Forms & Checklists
NIL

7.0 Records / Data retention
Not recommended

*****

Additional suggestions are welcomed.

Update:
Added 5.8.4 (Arkane)
Deleted 5.5.3 (ST)
Added 5.5.5 – 5.5.8 (chichicha)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 11 Comments
April 18, 2009

“The Wrestler” (2008)

This is a very depressing and emotional flick – quite contrary from what the title might suggest. I was expecting it to be a ‘Rocky’ style gritty tale about some wrestler fighting the odds to the top, but it appears to be quite the opposite. It was about a tale of a professional wrestler (the ‘entertainment’ type) who had been to the top, fighting the harsh reality to not stay at the bottom.

Bitten by old age and waning popularity, Randy “The Ram” Robinson (the wrestler, played by Mickey Rourke) finds life is not quite the same as it used to be for him. He is part time wrestling, and full time struggling to make ends meet. His daughter hates him, and he hasn’t got a family. All he has are a bunch of wrestler friends and a stripper he likes at a club. Then one day, after a straining routine at the ring, he gets a heart attack and everything comes crashing down on him when the doctor tells him he can’t wrestle again. And the flick goes on to tell the viewer about how getting old can be such a bitch if you don’t have a plan for yourself.

The plot’s simple and engaging. It doesn’t have much dialog. A lot of times, the viewer is brought around The Ram’s life by following him from behind as a second person, just like a documentary (minus the shaking though). It has been some time since I saw a movie this good. Thoroughly enjoyed it. And oh, as a bonus, they threw in a few titty scenes too. The Ram’s stripper love interest was played by Marissa Tomei, whose perky tits – despite being at 40 years old – are still as amazing as any adolescent chick’s. This alone already makes it better than that successful quasi Bollywood flick – “Slumdog Millionaire”.

8/10.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
April 13, 2009

power up

I remember when I was a kid, I used to love this arcade game called ‘Raiden’. It was an air combat fighting game (required very little strategy, but more of reflex), where you get to control a cool looking spaceship, creaming asses and dodging hostile fires as you go along. One of the coolest things you can do in the game – I remember, was to ‘power up’. Kill a commander ship, and you’ll be rewarded with a floating blinking ‘power up’ icon. To get it, you just need to ram into the icon, and your weapons will be automatically upgraded (wider canon, twin laser beams) – which allows you to take on bigger and nastier bosses. Good times in arcade centers.

I was thinking, wouldn’t it be awesome if there are indeed such ‘power ups’ in reality? You know, like… walk up to your boss, punch him in the face, get a floating icon, then ZINGGG, you are automatically upgraded to take his place… and then move on to take on the next level? If things are that simple, then surely we’d all be brawling our asses off. Any retard knows that this is just ridiculous.

But one of the technicians in my lab seems to be delusional enough to believe in that ‘power up’ bullshit. He was sustaining his technician job fine until he got himself an engineering degree recently, which gave him the alleged ‘power up’. The engineering degree, in some weird ways, made him think that he is all that smarter, and more competent overnight. He began to diss his own job all of the sudden, citing that it was too substandard for him, and demanded for something better. Metaphorically, you can imagine that this is akin to a baboon who just got hold of a pair of pants, and demanded to get out of the zoo to work in Google.

Little did that technician realize – that his engineering degree, isn’t going to help his current state of employment (let alone his experience and knowledge). A technician having a degree is still a technician, because he was hired to be a technician. A KFC manager is still a KFC manager even if that guy gets a PhD during his tenure. However, it will be a different story if the person QUITS, and applied elsewhere for a better position (which he should have done, since he despises the job so vehemently). But sadly, that technician thought that his degree was his ‘power up’ pill, and therefore, he is exempted from needing to work hard, gaining the rapport/trusts at work and achieving his given goals to gain a promotion – to become an engineer. Makes you wonder what are the kids learning these days at college, doesn’t it?

*FYI – I did assign the technician to take over some of the ‘low level engineering work’ a few days ago as a trial. Guess what happened? The guy freaked out because he was totally clueless (he was bad even for a technician level) and couldn’t handle a shit. Suffice to say, his engineering degree is nothing more than a piece of paper to adorn his empty wall…

michaelooi  | characters  | 18 Comments
April 9, 2009

hit a bird

I always prefer to look at people in the eyes when I am in a conversation. I believe it makes me sound confident and believable, even when I’m goofing around. And I thought, it is somewhat more polite too, to maintain an eye contact when talking.

But there are times when I find it difficult to do that. Like talking to ‘cross eyed’ individuals. In Hokkien, it is known as ‘phark cheow’ (which literally translates as ‘hit a bird’). It is a condition where both eyes are out of alignment from each other, with each looking at a different direction (like Cookie Monster here.)

God I hate talking to ‘cross eyed’ people. No I’m not saying that I hate them, I just hate the talking part (it’s different). I always find myself in this situation that I am not doing the ‘eye contact’ correctly. Like, how am I suppose to know which eye to look at? The one on the left? Or the one on the right looking at another direction? Gosh they’re all over the place. Or should I look at their nose instead, because that should be the middle part of his/her vision? You certainly can’t ask them about it, right?

“Hey, should I look at your right eye, or the left one? Can you even see me? Hello?”

That is just rude.

I happen to have a ‘cross eyed’ colleague here in Company X, and every time that guy talks to me, I’ll be caught in that miserable state that words can’t describe. So in order not to risk looking in the wrong eye and save myself from a potential embarrassment, I usually resort to pretending to rub my eyes or engross myself scratching an itch I can’t reach, just so that I don’t have to maintain the eye contact with that fella.

So far, it has worked for me, though the ‘cross eyed’ guy might think that I am some kind of a weirdo. But it’s better that he thinks I’m weirdo than confirming I’m an asshole, right?

If you guys have any trick to deal with this, please share the secret. You’ll be heavily rewarded.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 27 Comments